Partner hiding monet and spending it on daughter....lies and dishonesty
Hi all
I am new to this, but I really need help and advice please as this is really hurting me and causing problems.
I have a partner who has recently moved in with me (May), he has one daughter who lives with her mum and I have 3 children, 2 live with me, 1 with his dad.
Before my partner moved in he we discussed the issues of having joint finances, we both agreed, and we also agreed that in regards to all the children we would not buy them anything or give them money without discussing it with each other, we wanted to be fair to them all. I sat my children down and fully explained that decisions regarding money and what I buy them is no longer solely down to me, my children were happy with this and had no concerns. my partner he told me he had done the same with his daughter.
Heres the massive problems.........am really sorry if this a large post.
His daughter lives 160 miles away from us, he sees her every two weeks, which means driving to collect her and then bring her back here, this costs us £300 per month in fuel. I was fully aware of the cost and i agreed that this would not be a problem.
When he collects her and brings her here, he takes her out but doesnt invite myself or my children. When he comes back she has alway got her something new. He tells me she buys it herself ( 10 years old). I later found out that he was buying her things. So he lied to me and his daughter lied to me. We had a massive argument and he promised me he wouldnt do it again. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. two weeks later when he was seeing her again, I checked the bank and discovered that he had spent £130 on himself and her. So, after we had this massive argument and he gave me his word he ignored it.
There are times when I cant afford to give my daughter £1 or times when we run out of food because we have to make sure the fuel costs are covered for his daughter. I agreed and was fully aware of the petrol costs but part of the deal did not mean my children have to go without, and this is whats happening. he has also been living with me rent free and bill free, he hasnt paid any bills, he says he has no money just yet, but he makes sure he has fuel money. I am finding it really hard and very upsetting seeing my children go without things. My children are also noticing this and they have been making comments.
As i type this I am sat on a sofa which is ripped and falling apart, he can afford fuel costs for his daughter and spend stupid amounts of money on her but yet we cant afford a decent sofa. He has also told his daughter she can have a new laptop for xmas without speaking to me, therefore we are all trying to be equal but yet he giving the same vibe to his daughter even though he told me he would.
My kids are going without the basics (my daughter is wearing ripped shoes for school)
We often run out of food
He hides how much he spends on his daughter
He says she can have things without us speaking to each other
He hasnt paid towards any bills since he moved in
Due to no bills being paid he has now got me in debt and i am being chased by companies
He provides for his daughter but doesnt provide for me and my kids
I feel really guilty, as i have now had my name removed off the joint account as I no longer want to be part of him spending money on his daughter and my kids going without. Our relationship shouldnt be like this, I am a very honest and trustworthy person and it hurts me so much knowing he has done all this.
I just dont know what to do.
xxx
Kick his ass out NOW. He is
Kick his ass out NOW. He is using you for a free ride and you will never get paid back. Kick him out before you are evicted and your kids are taken from you. You do not need this selfish man it his child and you certainly do not need the headaches he us causing you.
THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS.
THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS. Separate all finances and cover your rear before you clue him in to what is coming. Cose any jint accounts, take back your money. and kick.hiss.ass.out.
Why would you sit down before
Why would you sit down before he moved in and talk about spending on the kids but not talk about splitting the bills?
He has the perfect set up. He gets to live rent free, which allows him extra cash to spend on his daughter. Since it isn't his job to provide for your kids, he doesn't have to concern himself with what/if they eat and if they wear torn shoes.
He's using you. He won't stop until you kick him out.
I AGREE...kick him out! He's
I AGREE...kick him out! He's never going to put anyone above his precious child and his own self. Set up your own account and manage it on your own, like you did previously, and let him see how he's going to manage without you! If he does not want to move out then you are the primary resident and the provider so you can dictate how much he can spend. NO MORE joint money deals!
Do some research on the mileage per type of car etc. I may be wrong...I think he's spending excessive amounts per trip.
How much is fuel a gallon? What sort of mileage does he get with the car? How many trips does he make?
It's not going to be very long before you have your own kids complaining, bitterly, about his daughter getting way more than them...I would not blame them one bit! If he's doing this now then there's no end to the ways he can take advantage of you, this has to be nipped in the bud (so to speak) or there will be huge issues further down the line if you stay together. Who pays the child support for his daughter? If he's not paying any right now because he is not working then it's going to become an issue when he finds work. He does need to find some work, in the meantime if he's not working then he needs to do his share around the house too!
I get that these things can 'creep up on you' in the initial stages of a relationship people do tend to be in denial about the partner's shortcomings.
It's time for you to make a stand, good job with the taking your name off the account for one! Let him discover that you first of all have to put money in if you want to take some out! Damn! What planet does this man live on?
It could be guilt, he can't
It could be guilt, he can't see her as often as he would like so he throws money at her, I don't think its right myself, after all he made the family a promise, I would be furious, spoiling a child does them so favours and for your children to see girl be spoiled is not fair, my Bf has two children with two mothers both unplanned, not his fault, we are so skint sometimes, however he does not spend money on the children without talking to me, his son asked for an Ipad, we had to say no, this situation is terrible and I would be furious about it, I can understand the fuel costs, that is unavoidable, but he dos'nt need to buy her so much, you could all watch a dvd together or go to the park, thats what we do, he needs to show you some more respect, after all if it was'nt for you, he would have no money to see his daughter at all, he would have to pay rent and bills, I know what I would do, I just can't take being lied too, I would throw the lying bastard out, he's gotten you into a financial mess, you cannot trust him either, you can't have a relationship with someone like that, I hope things get better for you soon.
You need to get him out.
You need to get him out. First of all, he is dishonest. Second, you are supporting him. Of course he agreed to joint finances, he has it made!
You are in debt because of him and your children are doing without. How many more reasons do you need? What is he contributing to this relationship? You and your kids deserve better.
My husband and I have been together for 16 years, both of his children are adults and we still have separate finances.
Thank you all for replying. I
Thank you all for replying.
I think I need to clarify a few things due to my mistake of not mentioning it.....
Disneyfan........Hi, we did speak about the bills, and because we agreed to have joint finances and a joint bank account we would both automatically contribute towards the cost of the bills. Also, I dont expect him to provide for my kids, but, we both said we would do what we can for my kids and his daughter in order to be fair and treat them all equally. I recently bought his daughter new pjs because she needed them and i put credit on her phone. I doen this because I was keeping to my word in what we agreed to. Shortly after i bought the pjs and credit for her phone my daughters school shoes ripped, I had no money then and now i cant afford to buy them. I am a very considerate and caring person and i try to do the right thing, in hindsight i know now.
Bookishworm.....Good question, i honestly dont know what he is bringing to the relationship.
Giveitago...........He does have a full time job. He also has a house which he rents out, he also has another daughter which he doesnt see but he pays £150 a month on child support for her. When you add the cost of the fuel, child support to other daughter and the money he is spending on his daughter he does see there is nothing left for bills on the house we are living in.
The problem i have is that i want this relationship to work, I am a very trying person and a hopeful person, I just hope that now my name is off the joint bank account he will start to change. It hurts because he told me how much he wanted to provide for me and support me, help me and love me. But all im getting so far is pain and tears seeing my children be without.
Why do you want it to work?
Why do you want it to work? He is not contributing AT ALL to you and your kids are hungry? What would he be doing if he didn't live with you? He should be paying half the rent (or at least 1/3 if you count your kids) etc.
This is all one sided. Did he scramble to buy YOUR daughter new shoes? Thought not.
We understand that you are a
We understand that you are a "trying & hopeful" person BUT you and your children are SUFFERING and going without!!! Why would you ever allow that to happen just because you want a relationship with a man who has to spend the vast majority of his money on HIS KIDS and fuel etc. to work?
Please do not be so niave, trusting and hopeful, we realize that you love him and want this relationship to work BUT AT WHAT COST ARE YOU WILLING TO SACRAFICE YOUR CHILDRENS NEEDS TO MAKE IT WORK?????
Please dont be a fool for this man....you are being taken advantage of...
Is your own source of income
Is your own source of income sufficient for your needs? If you are still not getting sufficient income from your joint finances then you had problems before you met him. His expenditures for his kids are his business really, like you said he's working. He got a morgage, rented out a property so I am guessing he's had it good before, got a good credit rating etc. The income from a rental property usually covers the morgage payments with maybe a little left over...this guy is shrewd so look into that a bit more? How long has he had the property? Is it owned free and clear or is there still morgage on it?
This guy didn't get to where he is by just giving away all his money!
One more mouth to feed seldom creates a problem, I am bewildered as to why your kids go hungry, or why they go without shoes? This relationship is fairly new so adjustments can take time. He really should consider the cost of running a home and at least pay something towards it. Even if he's on minimum wage he has money left over! Double check the fuel consumption of his car too! It sounds a lot to me, I've driven hundreds of miles on a lot less! I have an older SUV which is a guzzler too!
Many SPs could care less
Many SPs could care less about keeping things fair between bio and stepkids (I'm one of them).
No matter what he says, his daughter and your kids will not be on equal footing when it comes to his spending habits.
He's telling what you want to hear, but doing something else.
This is a classic example of actions speak louder than words. He showing you the type of SP he is~ the needs/wants of my BK will always come ahead of the needs/wants of my SKs.
Forcing him to move out doesn't mean the relationship has to end.
"Many SPs could care less
"Many SPs could care less about keeping things fair between bio and stepkids (I'm one of them)."
LMBO!!!!! ME TOO...ME TOO!!!!
That bitch (BM) gets $230.00 per week in child support for ONE FUCKING KID so FUCK YEAH I COULD CARE LESS IF THINGS ARE FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AGREE WITH YOU 150% DISNEYFAN!!!!
Time to separate finances. If
Time to separate finances. If he doesn't want to agree on how to spend joint money then he can't have joint money access.
Make an account for bills that you each contribute house bills too, then each of you keep the rest for your own needs (I clouding your own kids). You can control your money.
Stop financially supporting someone and their baggage. You didn't create his problems and you werent put here to save him.
The major problem? That he
The major problem? That he buys her stuff and OBVIOUSLY is telling her to lie to you, which means that IF it stops, she will blame YOU now...that is absolutely ridiculous. It's as if had said to her "I bought you this, but don't tell such and such because she'll get mad". Watch out, this guy is putting HIS needs above yours and that's not good.
Even if he only gets 20 miles
Even if he only gets 20 miles to the gallon it's only (give or take) 8 gallons per journey. 20 x 8 + 160 (his mileage is 150) If petrol is a fiver a gallon that's only forty quid! 5x8+40 so two trips would be 80 quid...has arithmetic changed since I went to school?
There are not very many vehicles that get less than 20 MPG.
THIS LOSER IS TAKING
THIS LOSER IS TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU...PLAIN AND SIMPLE!!!! DUMP HIS LOWSY ASS AND GET A REAL MAN THAT WILL HELP YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN NOT TAKE FROM YOU AND MAKE YOU GO WITHOUT FOR HIS FRIGGIN BRAT CHILD!!!!
Hi All I really do value all
Hi All
I really do value all your comments and it really does help. I have spent many a sleepless nights over this issue and after thinking aobut it for awhile and coming on here i have decided..........
The bills are due again on the 27th of this month, if he doesnt come up with the money to contribute towards the bills then hes going. His bags will be packed for him ready for when he comes home from work.
There are other things I was thinking about...........
He gets £625 ($1300 APPROX) per month from his rent for the house and the mortgae on it is £300 ($700 approx)so that leaves quite abit left over, but i havent seen a penny of that.
Also, if my daughter asks for £1 (50 cents approx) and i havent got it, he doesnt offer it out of his wallet, so because he wont offer my daughter views as him not wanting to give her anything so she wont ask.
Someone made a point about his daughter lying to me as well, in regards to my partner saying if "sharon asks dont tell her I bought it"..........this is exactly what i think, i reckon that is what hes telling her, therefore i could never ever trust him or her in regards to finances.
This daughter of his.........gets gifts given to her on a monthly basis by her grandfather, gets money given to her from her extended family ( she has over £1000 in her own bank account), she goes to activity clubs every night after school, goes out once a week for family meals and on top of this my partner feels the need to spend more money on her. I dont think she has never gone without.
But as from today......not one penny of my money is no longer going on her, not a penny of it will be contributing towards the cost of fuel for her.........nothing!!
Thank you, i guess you have all confirmed what i was always thinking deep down..............here i am cooking, cleaning, washing, loving him and respecting him when in actual fact im getting nothing back...........just lies and my kids going without.
I will keep you all updated in regards to whether he coughs up with the money for the bills on the 27th...
I must say......I am VERY
I must say......I am VERY PROUD of you for realizing this!!! We are not trying to be jerks or get you and your boyfriend to break up or fight we are just LOOKING OUT FOR YOU!!! I know that may seem weird as none of us really "knows" eachother BUT we are a support group for eachother!!! We try to help and look out for eachother and we can see things that you may not see or are blinded by because you love this man.
I sincerely hope that everything goes well for you and your children. I also hope that you stick to your guns and DO NOT LET THIS MAN TRY TO LIE TO YOU OR MANIPULATE YOU ANY MORE!!!
Please keep us all posted!!! We are hoping for the very best for you!! You and your children deserve better, and I REALLY HOPE & PRAY that you find a wonderful MAN real real soon!!!!
Girl I feel for you. I Am
Girl I feel for you. I Am having the same problems here. Why should my kids suffer for this immature behavior. I wish I could tell you to just kick him out but I can't. I ask myself repeatedly what am. I doing? AT what point do I call it quits. Its hard to do that even though it may be the right thing to do.
I'm very pleased you are
I'm very pleased you are doing the math! Seriously, does the excess go into his account? What does happen to it? Does he drink? Gamble? Something has to be eating his money, that or he is stashing it and using all your recourses to scam his way through. Where did he live before he came to you? I'd have you and your kids fed before he came in from work. Those who bring to the table eat from the table! Incidentally, split the expenses into 1/3rds because you really do need to provide for your kids and his kid does not live with you. Do you get child support? Even the child benefit, which is for the KIDS is what, forty six quid a week? you can manage shoes for your kids, and to hell with what he says about the kids getting something ahead of his, after all, his kid does not go without ANYTHING! When he tells you about the petrol money I'd challenge him with the math on that one! Why did you not use the account when it was in both names? Did he put much into it? He really does need to cough up some cash though, seriously! These days keeping an extra body full time is not cheap! I know it's nothing to put an extra plate out now and again, and you'd still have your utility bills to pay etc. whether he was there or not, however, he does need to pay his way. Let him know he can pay rent as a lodger or he can take responsibility for being the man of the house and get all the privelages that go with that.
Congrats for doing the
Congrats for doing the math.How does he dare to spoil his already spoiled princess, why does she need a phone with 10 and new gifts every time whereas your kids shoes are falling apart and there is no food.Where is all his money that he wanted to contribute?How can he look at himself in the mirror doing all that after giving you his promise to be in a partnership?
Hi Once again, thank you. You
Hi
Once again, thank you.
You know the list is endless really.........The other saturday morning he left here to go and see his daughter, due to the cost of the fuel we decided that it would be cheaper for him to rent a room down south in a b and b. the room for the night cost £30. The saturday morning he travelled down there and spent the day with his daughter. He told me how skint he was, i later found out he spent £130 while he was there plus £20 on the card to take his daughter to the cinema.
heres my issue..........He left me here knowing I had no credit on my phone and i couldnt afford to buy credit for it. He didnt have the decency to but me credit, instead he spent all that money on his daughter. I had no way of contacting him and anything could have happened to me.
Also.....I dye my hair myself, in order to save money, it costs £5. Apparently there was no money to have this done. My hair has not been cut for 6 months, it costs £20 but i have doen without in order for his daughter to get whatever.
Yesterday and the day before i noticed some changes. He has told me to keep all the money he gets form renting his house out in order to pay the bills here. Last night he bought me and my children a takeway instead of me cooking. Am just hoping these changes stay and he doesnt go back to how he was. But for some reason i think he will return to his old ways, and unfortunately i can no longer trust him in regards to his daughter and spending habits.
Also.....I feel guilty saying this but I REALLY DONT LIKE HIS DAUGHTER............i think maybe its because hes drving a wedge between me her and him by doing things behind my back. before i knew any of this i liked his daughter and would anything i could to help her, but now, i want nothing to do with her. Is that wrong?
My kids are so loving and respectful to him even though he has done all this and i really dont think he realises how lucky he is in this aspect and it frustrates me.
x
I am a father and agree with
I am a father and agree with the posts...boot his ass out now!!!!!