10 year sentence
I'm sitting in a hotel room by myself right now trying to decide whether to go back to Stepfamilyland or not. Been married 5 years to a wonderful man that I love dearly. BUT 3 years ago, he unexpectedly got full custody of his 3 adolescents. My kids were grown (BD 25 and BS 19 now), and now I have to continue to make these parental sacrifices for another 10 years. Don't get me wrong, I loved every minute of the sacrifices for my BS and BD; but another 10 years for someone else's kids?? The skids are great kids; they don't sass, they don't disrespect, etc. because DH would never allow it. Authoritarian. In fact, the skids are great little robots. They do whatever you say. As long as you say it. Don't expect them to remember anything at all, though, for longer than 10 minutes. Shut the door. 10 minutes later, shut the door. 10 minutes later, shut the door. They don't know how to think for themselves. It's incredibly frustrating. I'm a teacher, and these kids are at least 2 years behind their peers in emotional development. I'm trying to encourage them to catch up. I try to teach them how to do things properly. For my efforts, DH chastises me by growling that "Everything doesn't have to be a lesson." I'm not a cuddler, but I'm not a screamer either. I've never EVER yelled at skids for anything. My crime? I'm "vicious" because I don't love them. I wish I did. I wish I felt like a birthed them. I wish I didn't feel resentful for having to give up my plans and dreams for the next 10 years of my life. I feel incredibly selfish and petty, like I must be some kind of spoiled brat. Truthfully, though, I was enoying the independence that comes after you've raised your kids, and I was looking so forward to being able to do what I wanted for a change. It's like telling a toddler to stop walking and go back to crawling. I've already passed that stage and now I have to go back. Every day. For 10 more years. Does anyone out there have a magic potion to fix my pissy attitude?
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That is my sentence too but I
That is my sentence too but I am raising my Sd28 daughter. My granddaughter. All because spoilt entitled Princess can't be bothered because she is too busy chasing boys or scamming doctors for pills.
Not too long ago I sat in a motel room pondering the same things as you.
I'm still pondering.
ETA: I'm pissy too but towards my SD. The granddaughter I adore.
My baby graduated high school last year and as hard as it was seeing her go, I got used to having my own life. 2 months later SD dropped the kid at my doorstep.
I am her ONLY chance at being anything in this life. So I keep leaning on the side of stay. I may be saving a kid from being a BM.
My crime? I'm "vicious"
My crime? I'm "vicious" because I don't love them. I wish I did. I wish I felt like a birthed them. I wish I didn't feel resentful for having to give up my plans and dreams for the next 10 years of my life. I feel incredibly selfish and petty, like I must be some kind of spoiled brat.
Your DH is wrong on this one. What you are feeling is natural. Read StepMonster. It may not help everything for you but it will explain what you are feeling and why and that its perfectly natural not to have any bond with the skids, they are not your children, you didnt' birth them and well, it just plain not there. A bond can form under the right circumstances, but I know in my case its unlikely. Partially I don't even want the bond and it was never there to start.
At least know you are normal for your lack of bond.
As for the rest. Sigh - I hear you, no advice. Its a long time. My bios are the exact ages of the skids and I don't know if I'm going to make it either.
You would NEED a magic potion
You would NEED a magic potion to totally change your attitude. No matter how hard you may try, deep down the resentment is still going to be there. I just had to end a relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years over this 12 (almost 13) yr old son and my BF's lack of ability to parent/discipline him. They will be moving out of 7/15 and it's not soon enough. I loved BF but finalized realized I loved myself more than to continue to allow the stress the relationship was putting on me. Although they aren't out completely yet, the weight that has been lifted off my shoulders is amazing. I feel so much better! BF went to his dads for a few days and his son is away at camp. My house feels comfortable and peaceful once again...the way it should be...the way it was meant to be. 10 years is along time to wait for happiness and contentment and with kids that aren't your own, things usually get worse (often much worse) before they get better. Love YOURSELF and do what is best for YOU!
I'm glad you've found peace
I'm glad you've found peace again. Thanks for the wisdom. I'm leaning that way, and I figure it's only a matter of time before the relationship is irreparable. Tick tock. Good luck to you; it sounds like you have found your path.
Thanks everyone for the
Thanks everyone for the support and advice. I know D-day is inevitable. I hate it, though. He really is an awesome mate, sans the skids. I have another question to throw out there. Many of you said that I should disengage and let them do their thing. You realize we're talking about 3 adolescents (SS11, SD13, SD15) doing their thing full-time in MY house, right? How much parenting am I "allowed" to do considering the house and 90% of the furniture belong to me? Also, how much weight should my diapproval have on things like teenage string bikinis, etc.? I mean, do I just sit back and let the SD15 wear provocative clothing when DH is oblivious? The skids are angels who won't unlock their chastity belts until they hit 40, of course.