The Great Divide!!
I have been a SD now for over 9 years. I married my DW when my SS was 4 1/2. The relationship between my SS and me has been strained from the very beginning, even while my DW and I dated. We didn't date very long, only a couple of months before we were engaged, and then a couple months later we were married. My DW has always said that I'm too strict and hard on my SS. We now have 2 other kids together, and even when I'm just as hard on them, my DW says it's different because I love them, but I don't love my SS. While it's true I don't love him the same as my own bios, I do care for him.
Anyway, recently my SS dropped the bomb to my DW that he is moving in with his BF. He's threatened moving in with BF quite often the last 6 months when he's not getting what he wants. I've always just shrugged it off as his way to try and manipulate us since he's never mentioned once to his BF or SM he wants to live with them. I also shrugged it off to the fact that when he is at his BF's house, all they ever do is play video/computer games, camp, hike, rock hunt, etc. No chores, no bedtime..just do whatever you want whenever you want. My DW has always been on my case to be more kind and loving to my SS, and I feel that I really have tried, but she says I'm not doing good enough, and now it's my fault that she is losing him. My SS is going to stay with his dad for a month, and my wife is certain he won't want to come back.
Have any other Step/Bios had this issue...what was the result..what worked/didn't work....HELP!!!!
My SS and SD went to live
My SS and SD went to live with their dad...OMG life is so much better now! I can deal with my SDW missing them now and then, but what a gift from god to get them out of my life!
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth lol
To me... I find it unfair
To me...
I find it unfair when a Bio parent says a Step parent doesn't care...
or love the same...I am sure there are plenty out there that don't care...
BUT...
It certainly matters to me if Any child "NEEDS" parenting...
And I am firm in my Belief you don't need to be "Blood" to be a parent...
Or else... WHY WOULD anyone Adopt... BUT you NEED to be Patient, Caring, Reasonable,Forgiving and willing to listen and pay attention... YOU NEED to realize raising any child especially TEENS is WORK...
Being strict... is tough love...but it is still LOVE... and if you are treating him the same as your own... for punishments...and hopefully rewards... Then I don't understand how you can be told you "Love" differently? Because you are Parenting the same...
Maybe you have said you love him differently..."Which I don't understand why you would say such a thing" it CAN only create turmoil in the boy and BM...
I don't get from your writing you have been looking at your SS and saying "HOW can I mess this kid up?" you are saying... How can I correct a behavior I don't like, as well as a behavior which I feel will produce a negative future for HIM, My wife, and Me...
And it also sounds like he was your first step into the world of "Parenting" and mistakes get made...
I find many Bio Parents Try to "PROTECT" thier children from "Strict" Step parents...
I read it all the time on this site... the Guilty Bio Parent from a divorce, and we the step parents complaining about unruly children and "Bio" Parents "Not Parenting" which in turn creates trouble in the NEW adult relationship...
Seems your DW... has done this with you... and now...
Claims it's ALL your fault the boy wants to leave...
I would remind her "We" have been parenting and if the boy is not comfortable here then I am ok with him leaving, but it doesn't mean it's all my fault, or that I haven't or don't care about him... He has reached the TEEN years, and his opinions, attitude and behavior will magnify... We need to agree how to deal with parenting him.
This is what has happened with my girls...
My significant other has reliquished all matters of "Discipline" to me... and my two new SD's 15 & 18 of a 1.5 years... have been told... Bio Mom makes the rules, and has final say... but I am the enforcer I make the punishments and follow though on everyone to make sure they are MET... Mom loves it... because she went from Chaos, to structure... and the kids especially the 18 year old has started to move forward rather than spiral...
Mom went from Yelling, and screaming instantly when something happend, and providing no consequences for the child...
To letting me handle matters...
I take my time, think out what REALLY needs to be said...
I lecture them to DEATH... after things have settled down and people are LISTENING
I usually provide a warning with a Significant punishment for the next time "IT" happens what ever "IT" is... and the punishment is AGREED upon with mom in advance of the actual lecture given to the TEEN...
If TEEN does it again... and this is the KEY...
There is NO other option...
The punishment is INFLICTED 100%,I also OUTLINE the NEXT INCREASED Punishment,
IF THEY EVEN THINK of doing "IT" again...
My first battle (took almost 7 months) was GETTING bio mom to stop going SOFT on her OWN punishments...
Cause the kids were walking all over her...
I actually had to come up with punishments for BIO mom...
For not sticking to OUR agreement of the discipline...
Yes... I know... I might be a control freak... but if the kids are doing well in school, we are having conversations, and they are signing birthday cards saying love, from the nicknames I call them... I am thinking...
They love the structure I provide...
It's not that unusual for a
It's not that unusual for a boy to get around this age and want to live with his father. Add in that Dad's is all about fun stuff while Mom's is all about ordinary boring every day life and it looks irrestible.
Then comes the day father and son realize that they are now in ordinary boring every day life and life is not fun anymore. But that is life and let them deal with it.
Oh dear it sounds to me as
Oh dear it sounds to me as though she is just to soft on him, kids need discipline, if my skids said they were moving out I'd say ok I'll help you pack, thats what my parents did with me, anyway surely he is'nt old enough to move out? It is hard enough to love a well behaved skid let alone one that has no respect for you, you cannot force these things, it dos'nt work, it sounds to me as though you are a fair step dad, you say that you discipline the same way and for the same things, if you were more loving to this boy, would he even like that? Bio parents expect us Step parents to feel the same way about the child as they do, but that is not the case, most of us on this site have really tried, we don't need it forced down our necks, at the end of the day we have agreed to take on someone else's child and we do our best, what more can they ask?