Prolems with husbands adult kids

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I have been married for 10 mths.My husbands wife pased away 5 yeras ago.I was divorce.He has a son 36 and a daughter 48.I have a daughter 49 sons, 47,43 and 37.His daughter lives up the sStreet from us and does my daughter.His and my sons live out of town, but not far away.
The problem is.He bought the house we are living in for us( I am not on the deed).His daughter especially thinks I have no right to call it my house as her mother worked all her life and this is why her dad has what he owns, because of her mother.Of course her worked too.His daughter htinks I have no right to call this my house as I did not put nay money into it.Iam just recovering from cancer and have had radiation treatments and still recovering from the side effects.I am under so much stress that his daughter has caused, that I am afraid for my health and mine and husbands relationship.When we moved in, she help us, she made sure her mothers table was put in the diningroom and my antque one was put in the basement for her dad to do his models on.She picked up a pic that was in a box and hung it on our wal saying" that's a good place for it because her daughter had taken the pic.She has picked up mail off the table and read it.I couldn't find my laundry basket, she went in our bedroom and looked in the closet and everywhere.She tells us what to do and asks personal questions, buts in to conversations.She is very loud and controlling , she bullies her kids and thinks she can bully me.I stood up to her and now she is standoffish with me.She contantly reminds me about her mother and what a grea person she was..She gave us a callendar with birthdates of her cousins and families and the date of her mothers death( her dad knows when that was)She put pictures of her mom and dad together on Facebook on what would have been thier anniversary and said" would have been 45 years mummy" I understand her loss,but and it bothers be so much.My husband says he is over his 1st wife and wants to be happy with me, but how can we be when there is constant reminders everytime she pops in."Dad remember when mom did so and so, remember when you and mom..remember when you and I and mom did..those are my moms pots and pans, that was my mothers, those are my moms dishes.....I ask if she wants them, she says no..we put things out for a yard sale and she went through my things to make sure we didn't sell her moms things.my husband says nothing..just lets her do as she likes in our home.She never asks, she just goes into our cupboards, pours herself a drink.She has a 12 year old son who comes in, goes in the cupboard, in the fridge, grabs a pop without asking,wonders through the house, helps himself to whatevery he wants.His sister who is 21 came by and went upstairs and looked around..I wanted to say" excuse me, what are you doing?' but kept my mouth shut. I taught my kids to respect others.To say please and thankyou and respect your elders.They would never go in someones house and open thier fridge( not even ours without asking)If I say anything ,my husband gets mad at me.I am having a hard time getting everything down I want to say, but I am to the point where I am considering leaving, if hubby does not start stinking up for me.I am not that well and need his support.His daughter says things to me like" what about me and my brothers inheritence? Well, everyting is left to them.He won't show me his will or discuss it with me...there are other problems going on as well.
We have tried to gradually ease her mothers things out that he kept because he was basically single for 5 years.She notices when something is gone and asks where it went.
At first his daughter said she was pleased that her dad was happy again, now it's a different story since I told her one day not to lecture me.Someone please help, I want to be happy ,but can't tolerate her interference.Her brother has been to our house 2 times, he can't except that hsi father is with me either...they text each other and say things about me and then call thier dad and get him all upset...more to come..

Thank you ..good answer..if I

Thank you ..good answer..if I confront my husband, he always sticks up for hi sdaughter..always..he has an excuse for everything..her mother died, she is my daughter,no big deal,what do you want from me..yeah..a backbone would be good..I love the last line..when I refused to change my plans last week to drive her daughter to work, she asked me for my daughters phone number so he sould get her to drive her.My daughter said later" she doesn't even bother with me mom, why would I want to drive her daughter to work" My SD got snotty with me and said never mind, I know someone else " haven't seen or heard from her since.If I tell my husband,this will be his reply " you take everything the wrong way.

At first things seemed great

At first things seemed great with his daughter.I really cared for her and her children.Then the fun began when I planned a birthday party for her, my daughter and my son-in-law ( BD's all within days of each other) I just wanted to do something nice. We reanted a hall in our small town and I invited realatives and friends of all the kids. I posted it on facebook and my husband agreed " Please no small children'..it was an adult party and would be late into the night.Next thing I was told his son adn his wife would not even come if thier 2 year old daughter was not invited...so I resent the invite and personally told his daughter-in-law that I was sorry, please bring the baby. I meant no harm,I an from the old school I guess and think that children do not need to be at adult partys with booze and loud noise. ( I was overjoyed when I could get out once in a blue moon without my 4 kids) These young parents today take thier kids everywhere. to baby showers and bars..
Anyway, I talked to said daughter-in-law and she told me the damage was done , her feelings were hurt adn they would not be coming..and get this ..she was told there would be dope at the party brought by my youngest son ( my son could not even make it to the party as he was playing in a band that night) the lie came for my husbands 18 year old granddaughter.Husbands daughter comes to the house and starts lecturing me about dope and the party.She said hse wouldn't be there if her neice was not invited..I said" No where in the converdation in our house was dope ever mentioned..it did not come from here.So then it was" are you accusing my daughter of lying? All I said was."well it did not come from this house" Should I have said "yes, your daughter is lying?"
I told her to stop lecturing me and I was not going to kiss anyones' @ss becaue I did nothing wrong..so hse went outside and beaked off to her father about me and told him to straighten me out..I heard her talking about me in his workshop.he never once stood up for me.All he said was" I think it was me who mentioned the dope" it wasn't, he was not even in the house that day his granddaughter was here...he just tried to cover his granddaughters story up.
So about 20 people showed up to the party of my daughter and son-in-laws side.No one came for his daughter,because she made sure she told everyone that I was being mean..after saying she would not be coming..who showed up about 10 pm.. hubbys daughter, son-in-law, and 2 of her kids.
I paid for eveything,bought the food, made chilli, ordered the cake with 3 names on it( including hers), bought the gifts, all with my own money, not my husbands..I never got a think you..never again..lesson learned..
I have tried sitting him down, he will not discuss anything about his family and just says" you take things to seriuosly or you dwell on things..I doubt very much tha twe will be together in the near futer..I can't take it anymore! I am not the type of person who deliberatly hurts people. I try to do good.Always been a people pleaser, I gues that's my problem !

I'm so sorry I have no advice

I'm so sorry I have no advice on how to deal with adult steps.

I'm sorry you are sick and hope you recover quickly. You need rest and less stress to recover.

Your husband needs to grow a set.

I never understood adult steps. you were not married when they were minors, therefore you are not their step mother you are their father's wife and you deserve respect. They have no right to come in your home and take things and snoop. Your name may not be on the deed however the law says if you've been living there/get mail there/etc for more than 30 days it is your primary residence (depending on the state) and if your husband wanted to boot you out he would have to go to court and file an eviction if you refused to go. You have every right to ask what someone is doing wandering around your house. You don't have to be as blunt as I am when I ask my stepson what he is doing. You can be nastynice just ask if they are lost or if you can help them find something. If they are hateful then tell them to leave. I never understood why people let their adult children run their lives.

I wish you the best of luck.

Thank you for your thoughtful

Thank you for your thoughtful words.
BTW..I don't actually call these adult kids my stepchildren.I call them my husbands kids..
I think my husband is afraid to say anything to his kids and grandkids because his daughter didn't have anything to do with her dad for 2 years adn would not allow her kids to see him either shortly after thier mom died, because he was with another woman she didn't like.Probably she stuck up for herself and the daughter couldn't deal with it..She still calls her a bit@h.And..this woman was on the deed to his other house he owned when we met.He had to give the woman $10,000 and keep her on his medical insurance( yes, she is still on it and I have no coverage)
If I was to say anything to his grandkids, there would be a huge fight with me ending up frustrated and crying.

) or he would have had tosell and give her half.She owned her own home and he was not on her deed.

I only wish we could..the

I only wish we could..the perfect answer. I have suggested northern Ontario as well as we are in Canada.

LOVE this idea!!

My grandkids never help

My grandkids never help themselves to anything without asking.They have good manners and respect.I brought my kids up that way and they have done the same.
on the other hand, his are totally different..they think of our house as thier grandfathers because I know his daughter tells them it is not my house.

So they were married about 40

So they were married about 40 years? That is a Looooong time. The family dynamics were well established at that point. You have "children" who are in their forties with teen/adult kids of their own.

You say you put no money into the house. Do you have ANY money? And income? Anything? I ask because it's likely your DH has his income/retirement, his deceased wife's retirement, and whatever they may have worked for and saved for together.
If you brought nothing into this very established family/financial situation, it's likely the kids are going to see you as nothing but an opportunist.
I don't see that you can change that perception.

Also, as far as his kids and grandkids go...I think you are expecting these people to act a way you think is acceptable, when they act in a way that has been acceptable in their family for some time. Getting a drink from the fridge without asking? Shoot, I KNOW my kids do that at their grandparents' (my parents) house. They are welcome to. It would be "weird" and formal to ask for permission from their grandparents. It's an established, acceptable thing in my family. My parents have been married for 46 years.

You are the "new" kid on this block. I'm surprised that this didn't come up prior to your marriage. It seems like it would have been noticeable earlier. You and your DH need to work on a compromise on some things. I think it's very fair to restrict the kids from going through your things. I think it's fair to know what is in his will. I'm actually rather surprised this fella married you, as it seems he really isn't wanting another, brand new partnership. Was he lonely? Was he tired of cooking/cleaning for himself?
I dunno. I feel for all of you in this situation.

Yes, they were married 42

Yes, they were married 42 years when she passed..a very long time.and apparently the kids were allowed to do whatever they wanted at the grandparents home.I understand that the rules were established, but my kids and grandkids would never go in our fridge without asking.A child does not need to get 2-3 pops out and leave them all over the house and not drink them.Thi is rude. It is polite to ask..that is how I was brought up, that is how my kids were brought up, that is how my kids have been brought up..just ask..I am old school..it is my house too and we all need rules and to be respectful..I do get your point..the parents just let the youngest boy do whatever he likes..no rules at home either.

Another point you made..my H was lonely and needed soem one to look after him the way his 1st wife did.People tell me she waited on him hand and foot.Did everything he wanted to do and said nothing.A couple of people have told me he did not treat his wife that well.She gained a lot of weight and he has no respect for overweight people, says there is no excuse..thanks for your help!

The problem is your husband.

The problem is your husband. He need to tell his children that they're not to do certain things and to keep their nose out of "our" business.

I'd toss a kid out on their ear if they stuck their face in a closet without explicit or understood permission (i.e. asking them to fetch something).

Work on your husband.

Thanks, yes I agree..the

Thanks, yes I agree..the problem is my husband..he has no backbone..why would a grown man be afraid if his kids?? oh right, if he takes my side, they will keep the grandkids away from him..his punishmnet..sad:(

I feel for you. I can

I feel for you. I can certainly understand this dsysfunctional situation and you are out numbered. They will band together and think they are right no matter what. They feed off each other. I am sorry you have been so sick. I was in a similar situation myself and actually still am. I have made some clear boundaries and am planning my exit in the near future. The stress of living under those emotionally abusive conditions are NOT GOOD for your health.

You need to be very, very

You need to be very, very careful here. If something should happen to your husband his kids would do everything in their power to kick you out of that house within the hour. Best you find out exactly where you stand legally before you worry about anything else. Why is your name not on the deed, surely your husband knows what his children will do to you should he pass before you do.

What they are doing is rude and wrong, but your husband is allowing it, and by his failure to address it, by leaving the photos were his daughter put them etc., he is encouraging it. It seems very odd to me that he has not put your name on the deed to that house, and in my opinion, he has not done so, because he wants his children to have it. Fine, but what about you in your old age. Does he not care that you could finish up in the street because of this.

You had better start to make sure your long term security is secured, because your husband I do not think is or ever will be prepared to stand up to this woman, and she will never change.

His children will never tolerate you let alone accept you, why, because you are standing in between them and their inheritance, they see everything their father has as theirs, and YOU are going to get something of THEIRS, not their dad's, THEIRS. Because that is how they see it.

When the house was purshased,

When the house was purshased, I had to sign a paper to say I agreed as his wife to buying the house. I asked the lawyer what are my rights.He told me that if my husband passes before me, the house will automatically be mine, but I still worry about how agressive his daughter is and her brother goes along with everything she says.They could make my life even more miserable.

My husband is afraid that my kds will get his "things" they have their own father and do not care, need or want anything of his.If I die, I don't want his kids to have my "things" either.I have a Living Will which I am adding who gets what. I have antiques and things I brought into this marriage that will go to my kids.
His daughter had the nerve to ask who is going to pay for my funeral expenses.
My husband has a small insurance policy from his former employer.I am the benificiary.She was upset about that because she said "my brother and I used to be on that" It is to take care of his funeral expenses not for me to spend for shopping or whatever..geesh!

Yesterday, his daughter and her husband came by for a visit( unusual) I bought a puppy, she saw it and all she said was "why?" I said" don't even go there, I bought it 'cause I wanted him and I paid for it."She gave me a look and didn't say anything more.She has a rude comment about everything.She just can't say "I'm happy for you or anything nice, always a smart remark"

Next time she asks "why"

Next time she asks "why" about your personal business, just smile silently in a mona lisa way, look over her left shoulder and say... NOTHING AT ALL. Her comment did not merit even a reply, never mind attention from you.

When someone asks me a

When someone asks me a personal question that I feel is inappropriate, I use this line that I learned from my Mama (My dad is a minister, and it's amazing how church people think they are entitle to know everything about the minister's business.)

"I'll forgive you for asking that question if you'll forgive me for not answering."

Say it with a smile.... you'll be the gracious rose and let someone else play the role of wicked witch.

I hope your recovery continues to progress well. Take care of yourself, stay healthy, and don't let stress prevail. Stress is not good for recovery!

Your husband needs to sort

Your husband needs to sort this out, and now. If he does not then you need to re think this entire situation. I am sure your husband is well aware of what will happen to you if he passes, and he is doing nothing to protect you from his kids. This is not right, it is not fair, and it is not how husbands and wives are supposed to treat each other.

You are going to spend years in court fighting over this because his kids will not want you to have a speck of dust from that house let alone the house itself.

Friends of mine have a friend in your exact situation. Her husband passed away and she was entitled to live in the house until she passed. Well, that didn't happen. At the age of 78 they started a war against her, they made her life hell, there was not a week went by were she had any peace, she had to move out because the two adult children of her deceased husband made it impossible to live there. What is worse, they each were already living in a property supplied by dad. The girl had an inner city large apartment, and the boy had a home somewhere. Even with this, they fought this old woman till they wore her down. Then they had the nerve to go to the property where she was living with coloured stickers and proceeded to put stickers on all the items they wanted....she had a fight on her hands just to keep the furniture that she had brought to the marriage herself. Anyway, it took her 2 years and by the time she broke free of the mess and free of the kids she was 80.

There was no reason for these people to kick her out, except ONE...........The day she agreed to move out, they phoned the real estate agent and within a week the house was on the market. It was sold while this woman was still living in it. She moved out the day of settlement. All they wanted was money. While she was living in the house it was stopping them from selling it, and they wanted the money. This is going to be your future if you don't sort it out now. They will not let you live in that house once their father is gone.

Thank you so much for

Thank you so much for responding.I feel so bad for what your friend had to go through over selfish , thoughtless people.
The only thing I feel I can do is leave this situation and force my husband to sell the house and split 50/50 now.Hate to even think about the consequences of doing this to thier kids father.I know his daughter will threaten me and cause heartache and pain until she gets her own way.
I think I'll put color-coded stickers on my things before the fact..
You can't tie a man to a chair and force him to talk about it.He just refuses.
I am beginning to think I made a big mistake getting involved in this family and getting married was a worse mistake.I cringe just thinking about starting over at my age It dosen't feel like a real marriage anyway, no joint bank account, no joint credit cards,I don't even know how much he owes.He brings in over $3,500 a mth income, mine is $552.This is what I live on.Yes, he pays the bills and the mortgage, but I have to buy gifts for 4 kids and 8 grandkids, birthdays and Christmas, my meds, my person stuff like shampoo, toothpasate, clothes ect..oh and I put gas in his truck when I use it, and then phone calls to drive his grandkids to soccer, work, pickup from school with gas I put in it..If my daughter and I go out she puts gas in his truck..always..his daughter thinks he spends all his money on me..that is a joke.I bought a puppy, he paid half..she came over, pointed at the puppy shook her head and said "why?" I reacted with" don't even go there, it's my puppy" and she shut up.She questions everything we do..he needs to tell her to butt out, but he says nothing ..if I comment he'll say" she's just concerned, and it's no big deal, just ignore it"

Unreal! You step dtr needs

Unreal! You step dtr needs to be sat down (by H) and told she is a guest in Your home. This is not even the home she grew up in. She is just territorial and giving you the clear msg that you are illegitimate... she and deceased wife are the Real family. That may be true for her but it isn't for your H.

I would start out by looking for a counselor familiar with step family dynamics so he or she can help you and DH navigate through this. Frankly, I would forbid the dtr from coming in the house unless she can abide by certain rule that include not entering certain rooms, going through your things, feeling she has a say in how you arrange your house, asking you to explain yourself (puppy) .. What??. Mainly she needs to respect you in your home, period end.

My MIL would angrily ask me to explain myself a lot. I finally started asking "Why do you ask?" instead of explaining myself. If you explain yourself you are accepting her premise that she is in a position of authority over you.

She must stop this behavior to be allowed to enter your sanctuary or else DH can run down the street to see her. You need a break, you need to heal, you probably need to disengage. She sounds really toxic and myopic. She has no right to arrange your furniture or go through your things. I would package up all the old things of his deceased wife and put them in boxes for the kids to take. Not to dishonor her memory but to start your own.

If you could move, that would be great. Still, than you'd be moving away from your dtr. I think if you put up good boundaries you may be able to stay there so you can stay by your dtr. My SD lives out of state but she does not come to my house, neither does SDIL. When we move I will ask my H to visit them, I will not host them due to the stress it brings. You may want to give yourself this option.

I agrree with you.How can I

I agrree with you.How can I forbid his D from coming to our house? It would start WW3 with me being the bad guy, but if he would just say" look "Mary" ( not her real name) this is mine and my wifes house and when you are here you will respect her and keep you comments to yourself.You will stay out of our fridge and you and the kids need to ask permission before you help yourself.Her son brings in his friends and fill thier pocckets with candies and gum from a gum machine that I bought for treats..I said" please , just one at a time" I was ignored.One day his grandson cmae over and sked where his grandfather was I said" out shopping" he said" where. buying things for you?" and laughed. Th echild is 12..does this sound like he picked this up from what his mother is saying in front of him at home?

Hubby bought me flowers for a clear checkup at the cancer clinic 2 moths ago..his D and S-I-L both asked who bought me the flowers and when I said "dad" they both said "oh really, he did? They all seem to want to take away any pleasure I have in life.What gives these adults the right to think they can say whatever is on thier minds.
I have finally refused to go to anything in thier family that includs his rude daughter in law and son anymore.I have been hurt too much by them.
And about moving..we can't sell this house until one year is up ( capital gains I am told) so it would be Dec before we could..and I know he won't sell anyway..he has everyting he needs here.It was a mistake moving so close and my daughter would be really hurt if I moved away.She moved from the city an hour away to be with me..
There are no family photos on the walls of my kids , his kids or grandkids, because his 1st wife is in most of his.At the old house I didn't say much although it bothered me, he said" that is my past" so I came back with " is it ok if I put photos of my ex on the walls" he was obviously upset but said sarcastically" if you want to" knowing I wouldn't do such a thing

I think you need to either

I think you need to either ban the whole damn lot of them from coming to YOUR home, or go about making this home yours too and make them see it. Photos on the wall are an excellent idea, so get some of yours and start putting them up there. The ex would be a nice touch, but we know you won't go there, but you do have a daughter and I presume other family = get some wall space and start putting some of yourself around this place. It is too comfortable for them. If they drink coffee, buy tea. If they eat biscuits, buy cakes, do whatever you can to not make them feel so welcome and that would include the candy, if you buy it, stash it away so they don't have access to it. You are too scared to make this home your own and they know it. Time for you to move in or out my friend, which will it be.

I like your answer..If I put

I like your answer..If I put up photo's of my kids and thier kids I will have to put up photos of his too, which I would do, but I am not allowing photos of his family with his 1st wife in them.They drink booze,gone are the days when you sat down and had a cup of tea..it's beer,whiskey, wine, coolers whatever they drink, he buys.My daughter comes up for a cup of tea..they don't ofer booze to guests/visitors/family.
I have hidden the gumball machine and plan on selling it,..bad mistake and I don't put candies out anymore for his grandson to eat them all up in one day.
Today while we were out, he told me he had to drive his 19 year old grandadughter to work again.I am trying to decide which is best.It is obvious that his family comes first.I do not want to take 2nd place ever again.I said very nicely,( not accusing or nasty) Since Katey ( not her real name) works , why can't she offer you a bit for gas to drive her back and forth.He said at first "well, that's what we do for our grandkids I guess,then went on to say" what about last week when you drove Holly ( my GD, and not her real name)to school becaue she missed the bus? I had already told him my daughter gave me gas money.He is always complaining that he is broke and gas is so expensive.He tehn got upset and accused me of being redicules ..so I got out of the truck adn started walking..only problem it is 10 miles home and there is no way I can make it tha t far with my health issues..he finally came along after 15 or so mis and I got in relucently and came home.I thought my suggestion might teach his GD some responibility..afterall if she had her own car, she would have to put gas in it.The parents pay for everything for the kids...they bought the oldest girl a car and they will buy one for Katey too and pay the insurance..apparently they pay over $8000 a year for insurance on all the toys they have, thus why the parents each work 2 jobs.How will these kids ever learn resposibilities if everything is paid for them?

You know what, it is not your

You know what, it is not your job to worry about how these kids are ever going to become responsible. Also, your daughter is a grown woman so if your husband drives her or her children or anyone in your family anywhere, let him work it out about the gas money. Don't get involved. Just leave them all to sort this out between themselves. You have more than enough on your plate, so let's just deal with you and your home.

By all means put up photos of his kids, I never meant to suggest otherwise, people who are in his life now, are in his life and there is no harm in putting up their photos, HOWEVER, a partner from a previous marriage whether divorced or deceased should not be up on the living room wall, nor the bedroom for that matter. If there are kids living inthe house, then of course they can have those photos in their bedroom, but anywhere that is a common area or you and your husband share ie; the bedroom. NO, photos of ex's, it is ill mannered, inconsiderate and disrespectful to the new partner.

Now if he chooses to drive his 19 year old grandaughter to work, then that is his choice, and he has a choice, he does not have to do it, but he chooses to do so, okay, but you can choose not to listen to him moan about the cost of pertrol or wear and tear on the car. So, when he complains just tell him, look, you choose to take A, B, or C, to work or whatever, you do not have to do it, so if you don't have petrol or enough money to buy it, complain to them not me.

I would if you intend to stay there start getting equal wall space today. You need to mark your territory here in a very visual manner. Your husband is never going to help you or support you with this so be prepared for resistence, but if you really want to stay in this situation then you will need to stand your ground or you will go slowly insane. This is so toxic it is not funny.

Your husband and his daughter will not change or try to change the way things are, so you will have to start making the changes yourself. Start with the photos, then move that table of yours back upstairs, make this YOUR home too. Yours and your husbands. Tell SD she can hang whatever photos she likes in her home, not in yours.

Just re read one of your

Just re read one of your posts, financially you'd probably be better off if you did leave him. He'd have to sell the house then and there would be nothing his daughter could do about it. I truly am sorry for you, but you really do need to stand up for yourself here because they are all running right over the top of you and this so called "husband" of yours is leading the charge. A husband is supposed to love and honour his wife, is this what he calls honouring you.

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Prolems with husbands adult kids