Meddling Father!
I'm new to this, but I'll give it a shot...maybe someone has some good advice.
My wife and I have been together 10 years, she has a son who's now 20 and lives on his own and a 16 year old daughter who lives with us...this is the cause of my high blood pressure.
She and I actually get along great, with very little problems. I've never tried to be her parent and know my place as I was once a step-child.
My problem is this: my step-daughter will frequently go to her father if something doesn't go her way at home. And he, being the asshole that he is, send threatening email about me and how I had better watch myself. He is contsantly telling the child how she has a "terrible excuse for a mother" and that he is a wonderful father...because he pays child support.
There's a lot of history, but suffice it to say I am at my wits end with this non-sense and am ready to give up on all of it.
Anyone have a similar experience with good advice???
Thanks,
Pissed in PA
Touchy situation
We had a similar situation, except that the kids were younger. We ended up having the ex served with a harassment order. It literally got to the point where we felt that she couldn't behave like an adult so contact was off limits. At least with the harassment order there were going to be legal repercussions if it didn't stop. That was enough incentive for her to stop the 4am phone calls, etc.
I don't know if that's too extreme for you all, but obviously something has to happen if you're this upset.
Good Luck!
clarsen30
What does your wife say/do when this happens? What are the dynamics b/w her and the ex? I’m just trying to get some insight on the situation … we’ve not reached the teenage years yet (my SD’s are 5 & 6) but I too was a stepkid so I can speak to it from that angel…your SD is “playing” her dad as well as you and your wife…she’s a teenaged girl and that’s what we do if and when we know we can…you and your wife have to put it to her straight that “your dad does not run this house and you cannot “tattle” on us to him!” and let him know as well that you and your wife make the decisions in your house…if your wife is willing to put her foot down with the daughter you’ll have to say…”hey, these are the rules here, if you don’t think you want to live by the rules of this house, then maybe you don’t want to live in this house” and at 16 that is a decision she is old enough to make…I went to live with my dad and stepmom for a while…after a year or so I decided to move back to my moms…there cant be too much back and forth allowed either…if/when you move…your moving for one school year at a time…so when dad’s grass isn’t as green as you thought, don’t think your just packing up and coming back…life doesn’t work that way…of course this ALL depends on how united you and your wife are on this issue…I almost forgot...WELCOME TO OUR WORLD! STEPTALK is a little slice of stepfamily HEAVEN!!!
Thanks for the comments! My
Thanks for the comments! My wife and ex have a "strained" relationship. He has always tried to control the way she parents and her life in general, but I've always let her handle him. As a one time step-son, I played the angles too (was pretty good at it too), so I know a lot of that is the age/situation. He makes a good deal of money and has preached to my SD that $ is the most important thing in life, probably why he sued to reduce hihs child support/alimony by 70%! He sees her as an expense...a liability.
I wish there was a way to make him aware that a decent parent would explain to her that he has no control over our house, our rules.
Now, her mother is a little skittish because my SD wrote a paper last year for school about what a "sorry excuse for a mother" she had. Which, we have since discovered, he has been telling her for 10 years. She is nervous that it's so imbedded in her daughter, that she is trying to make her daughter "like" her by trying to be her "friend" and not her mother. When I mention it she tells me not to tell her how to mother her daughter.
Now, her son...he's amazing. I would classify him as one of my closest 3 friends. We talk frequently, email jokes, etc. He grew up in the exact environment as his sister, but had a different father (they divorced when he was 9 months old).
The fact that my SD is playing both sides...I can deal with that. I just wish her father would man up and keep his nose out of our business.
This really is a great way to vent!!!
I think I would be telling him..
I am a woman, so its a little different..
But when I was married to the father of my two children he had a son from a previous marriage.. Well the ex and I did not get along at all. We tried very fakely at first but that did not last long.. I was buddies with the SS first.. I did not try to dicsipline him until we were living together for awhile. But I remember one day his mom called the dad and proceeded to tell him that his son had came home and told her that I made him call me mom and spanked him. So that evening we went and picked him up and I made dinner and stuff. like normal. When we all sat down to eat I said real calmly to him so I hear that you told your mom I spank you and make you call me mom.. I will never forget his face, his mouth just hung open like he did not know what to do. He was very young but I said to him well I know what we will do from now on.. His dad a dairy farmer and in the winter months, every morning for 3 weeks I made that kid go to the farm from like 6 am till like 9:30 or 10 pm everyday he was with us. He did not like that, but as I told him there was no way I was going to sit and take care of someone who wanted to lie about me to his mom. Needless to say his mom was mad at me for making that all happen as well. SO I did not win there either.. But I know that later on before we actually got married this woman used to call about everything and mail letters and all this.. SO one day she called and I had a feeling she would be but I answered the phone and she proceeded to tell me she wanted to speak to the ex and I told her he was not there well long story short she finally got the picture that there was nomore dictating our lives to us..
Put your foot down. You obviously love your wife and her children and by the sounds of it do not have to many issues so you need to step in. This guy needs to grow up no matter what your ill feelings are against the ex you never bad mouth them in front of the children. That is doing major damamge to the SD..
Sticky but if you love your wife you will hang in there..
Vent here I know its really helped me tremendously..