Help! I can't stand my SK and I am taking it out on my husband
Hello, So my husband and I have been married for 2 years and we have a 1 year old son. He has 2 kids 9 and 6 from his first marriage. I can not stand them!!! They live with their grandparents because their mom got sole custody in the divorce and then gave them away because they were too much of a responsibility. They have NO discipline and are given everything they ask for. They have cell phones for godsake! My husband babies them just like everyone else but says he doesnt want our son to end up that way so is hard on him. This has been progressively getting worse for quite some time now. But now my husband wants to bring them into our lives more and says he is going to resent me if I can't be a good stepmom and have a relationship with them...Heres the problem. I don't want one. I just want to get through the days they are here and get back to my life. They are a huge irritation and I am a different person when they are here. My husband says I make him feel guilty for having those kids because I can't be happy because of his past. Here's the thing I am happy until they are here. How have you guys gotten past these feelings? Or do they never go away you just put on a smile and deal with it and vent later? I just don't want anything to do with these kids and I don't want them to influence my son at all. He is not going to be a brat! As far as I am concerned he is an only child and as little as he sees the other 2 that shouldn't be a big deal. Its not like they are growing up together. Is that awful of me? We battle these issues monthly and I don't know how much longer either or us can take it. Please help with any advice! Even if you think I am wrong I need to hear it!!
Try to remember this is not
Try to remember this is not their fault...they didn't pick for any of these events to happen. This is easier said than done, but let's face it. They live with their grandparents. Grandparents tend to spoil their grandkids. And in most cases, that's ok and to be expected because the parents are actually raising the kids. But the problem is these kids live with them 24/7. They went through the days of child rearing, and probably didn't want to do so again. Why didn't your husband take them when he found out they were dumped with the grandparents?
You don't have to love or like them one iota. Just like they don't have to love or like you. But you do need to treat them with respect as human beings, just like they need to treat you with respect as an adult in their lives. They do deserve to have a loving, active, caring dad in their lives. If he wants to do that (and he should) he should be able to do that. You're just going to have to sit down together and come up with house rules, who will enforce what and when, bedtimes, etc. and be on the same page about them.
Why didn't he get custody
Why didn't he get custody when he found out they were living with the grandparents?
^^^THIS, 100%^^^
^^^THIS, 100%^^^
He was only granted
He was only granted supervised visitation in their divorce because he didn't get an attorney and didn't know what she was doing. When she dumped them he didn't have the money to get an attorney and she wouldn't let him have them. Now that we have a family and when I signed up for this it was every week for 1 day. I don't want them full time.
I agree that they deserve a loving father, my problem is he doesn't feel like a father so is treating them like more of an uncle. They just do whatever the hell they want. We have had many talks about this and basically he feels like he can't discipline because his time with them is so limited. I guess I just need to get over that and make sure my son knows that he is loved by both of his parents because we discipline and respect him.
As far as my interaction with the kids.. I cook for them ( which they don't eat because all the get is fast food so my healthy cooking is not good enough) I clean up after them, we watch movies, or play cards occasionally. But most of the time my husband takes them to do something so they are not bored. So my son and I sit at home, really I would rather him leave with them, but I don't know how he expects me to have a relationship. I am kind but I am not their mom and not their friend. I am just another adult in their lives.
What I am struggling with is his whole "resentment" thing. I do not ever foresee myself enjoying the times they are here. And now they are starting sports and he wants me to go to the games. Well they live an hour away and games don't get over until 7:30pm. That is my sons bedtime and to me it is more important that he have structure and regular bedtime than me going to a game that I would not even enjoy. Am I being selfish here or does my husband just need to loosen up on his expectations? And how do I get him to see that?
Thanks again.