Join the club my friend! I believe it to be an endless battle and so do many others. Sad. I wish you luck!

I called off my wedding for those reasons.

It is very hard. My DH ended yelling at SD when he got fed up. Saying she is not trying to be your mom. She doesnt want to be your mom. You already have a mom. Then he said until you can be respectful in our home, you will not be allowed back over. BM said he was choosing me over SD but it was nothing like that. I hope it gets better for you but honestly it could also stay like this until her dad puts his foot down.Good Luck

I would cancel the wedding myself, but...

How long have you been together? I would not marry until enough time has passed that she realizes you are not taking him away. And HE needs to remove her authority over making the everyday decisions. If she has any say, then all the kids get to pick restaurants, movies, etc. Either all kids have input, or none. I have a daughter like that and I have to constantly put her in check. They are just bossy, critical, always have an opinion, want to know what's going on, etc. I did not raise her that way, it's a personality thing. And it drives me NUTS.

She is the wife. Dad put her in that role and she is comfortable there. Unless dad will work at changing that relationship with her and establish you as the alpha female (and her as a DAUGHTER) then yes its a never ending battle. She's only 9, she will get worse. Just wait until she's 13-14.

http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/10/22/princesses-princes-daughters-and-...

Trying to do the right thing sucks lol especially when you want to just grab SD by the shirt and say I REALLY DONT GIVE A F*CK. lol. Just tell him how you feel and let him know you need him to be a man and if he loves you and cares then he needs to stand up for whats right.

Is this kid going live with you or just weekend visit. If its live cancel the wedding. I'm not kidding - Dad is not going to change her and Dad is not going to change either.

If its visitation only you need to not get involved with the raising of his kids - no discipline - no setting of rules - no nothing. Daddy is completely in charge of his kids and if you don't like sitting in the back seat just don't go. After all the point of the visit is to see Dad not you.

Listen - do NOT try to turn this into one big happy family. It's not going to happen, guaranteed. The best you can do is work a truce with this kid and leave it at that.

This is what I did and I hope you get the point. It's called disengaging now-a-days andin your case it will be non-engaguement.

I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:
The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.
First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.
Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.
You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be amazed at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.
I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. But they could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.
I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.
Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".
Their mother slowly came to realize that I wasn't overreacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.
With that things got much easier around the house.
Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me and turned out just fine.

You're getting married in 24 days and the kid is still throwing a fit if you Hug? And Dad does nothing?

What's he going to do when she starts throwing a fit every night when you guys live together and you're sharing a bedroom? Is he going to go to sleep with her every night? Is he going to pretend you sleep in a different room? If he won't even talk about the wedding in front of her then, he is absolutely putting her ahead of you and yes, it will be never ending.

I had a bit of this issue with my DH, he didn't want to talk about our wedding in front of SD and I told him if this is what it was going to be like, don't worry about it, there wouldn't be a wedding. I never told him to choose between us (though she did), but I did tell him that if we had to basically hide our relationship when his kid was around - even though she was supposed to be In the wedding - I wasn't doing this, I obviously didn't mean that much to him.

Print out the article Helena gave you and give it to him - tell him how interested you were in it because of whatever - your kids, nieces, blah blah and have him read it.

I would also seriously consider putting the wedding on hold until this is solved because this girl will make your life and the lives of your children a living hell. She will expect Everyone to bow to her wishes, that's what she's been taught. So unless you're ok with both yourself and your 3 kids taking a backseat to princess, you and your fiance need to have a talk about how you aren't moving forward until she's no longer running the show. It's not fair to anyone else in the 'family' and you expect to be the only wife in the house. If he can't handle that, then yes it will be a never ending battle.

ignore that crap and put her in her rightful place as a 9 year old every chance you get. Dad needs to grow a pair and quit being wierd and remember his child is a CHILD and treat her like one, not like a mini wife. If he can't/won't grasp this, prepare yourself for a nightmarish hellscape. just sayin'

My SD 10 tried to control her dad while we dated but luckily he stopped her little tail. She tries now again for some reason but we're married now. She tries to say she don't like the restraunt my husband and I agree on but it doesn't matter. She has no say in anything. She gets back handed by her dad now when she pops off with the mouth or popped in the back of her head! Lol. Its great to see he doesn't allow her to run stuff. I admire him for this and I think if you just tell your fiance that his daughter needs to understand your taking him away but you are going to be his wife and the adults come up with the descion then maybe he will talk with her and things can change?.

My SD 10 tried to control her dad while we dated but luckily he stopped her little tail. She tries now again for some reason but we're married now. She tries to say she don't like the restraunt my husband and I agree on but it doesn't matter. She has no say in anything. She gets back handed by her dad now when she pops off with the mouth or popped in the back of her head! Lol. Its great to see he doesn't allow her to run stuff. I admire him for this and I think if you just tell your fiance that his daughter needs to understand your not taking him away but you are going to be his wife and the adults come up with the descion then maybe he will talk with her and things can change?.

Dont cancel your plans, dont allow this child to have that control over your lives! If you put this wedding on hold she will think she has won and will have complete control over everything. Your husband definitely needs to put a stop to her behaviour and he needs to explain to her that you are not the enemy, you are not there to take her Dad away. I personally wouldnt cancel, i just think that allows her the power she so desire.  She is a 9 year old child and should be firmly put in her place!