My step kids aren't that old, but we haven't seen them in 3 years. It had been a guessing game even before that as to which of his scheduled visitations the ex would let him have. My husband talks to them on the phone (only because ex was recently ordered by a court magistrate to have scheduled phone calls) and send email, etc but no visitation. The weekend he decided he couldn't handle it anymore, and didn't go to try to get the kids, she had the nerve to call my house and ask why he didn't come to get the kids as they were looking forward to seeing him. This was after the weekend before she refused to let him have them because the oldest had a hair appt and she wouldn't send the youngest without the oldest.
I don't know what to tell you, other than if she's anything like my husband's ex, she now wants to talk about why the kids don't want to go to your house so that it can somehow become someone else's fault. My hubby's ex would "be the bigger person" after months of being nasty by calling and telling him she didn't want to fight so much for the kids sake, than turn around and tell the police that he pushed her (total lie-she pushed him).
I'm pretty cynical on the whole situation...maybe someone else has had a better experience?

My kid are the same age 11 & 13...visitation with the 13 yr old is becoming a problem. She doesn't want to go anymore. It started last year. I also don't know how to handle the situation.

My assessment of how the situation end up this way is this...

For the first 4 years "Dad" had a room at his sisters.. when the kids visited..13 yr old..didn't stay/visit with Dad..she stayed across the street at her friends house..and spent the entire weekend playing with this girl & the sister's boy. Same with the 11 yr old...he visited his cousin .. more so than Dad. Of course Dad was there..but their was limited one-to-one interaction. It was mostly playtime with the surrounding kids..and eating meals with Dad. They often complainted that they had to "go out & play" and didn't want to go out, etc..

Then for the last year..(when the trouble seems to start)..Dad buys a house..in a neighborhood with no kids, friends, family, etc... and moves in his new girlfriend. Begins enforcing "formal dining manners"..when she's present only.

Now the kids..more so the girl..(the boy sits in front of the TV & plays video games endlessly so he doesn't care so much)..go absolutely crazy locked up in jail with Dad & GF. She has never had to "visit with Dad"..her weekends were "playtime with her friend/cousins" and being in Junior High School..hanging out with her parents is not where she wants to be.

She refers to her bedroom...as the storage closet..because they pile their clothes,suitcases, boxes, etc in on & around the bed..and don't clean off a place for her..when they know she's coming..she gripes about it constantly. Aslo the walls are paper thin...and she has heard the goings on in thier bedroom..and doesn't want to return there. (It took her 4 months to tell me..she was so embarrassed..but I informed x of what I was told)

Last year..she was invited to a sleepover at her friends house..but it was Dads weekend..so I said "ask him..he's the parent on duty this weekend" She asked him by phone ..he said yes.

Then the next day..when picking up the kids..he FLIPS out on me on the front lawn. Sreaming, cursing, F* this..F** that, accused me of interferring with 13 yr old..& him..etc.

The kids were hysterical!! They were sreaming at him to stop..and were crying..etc. I didn't say a word..I was in shock for starters..I had no idea what provoked him and I wasn't having anything to do with upsetting the kids more.

My daughter has never forgotten that display. She knows that he accusations were not true.... There are many more "incidents". He prefers to blame me for them not getting along...that way he doesn't have to "fix" his behavior.

I've explained what's going on with her.. He doesn't listen. I've recommended daily contact through msn..e-mail..cause many times their conversation is strained..and I suggested that he contact her daily..keep it light..send her jokes..maintain contact..build the relationship.. He send 1 e-mail...that's it.

So I don't know what to do...... a Counsellor....
I'm on the other side...but getting teens to visit seems to be a common problem....

I don't know if my perspective helps or not....but basically we both are open to suggestions...

I feel bad for your husband not being able to see his children in a normal way not in a hotel... I guess w/ex being remarried now and being a bit nicer is a good thing and she was horrible I guess when she was not married. She was probably jealous or mad at your husband to discourage the children not to come and visit you guys. It is so typical, they use the children to fight deal with their problems or battles. How can she say that the kids do not want to visit? It was her in the background encouraging it and not doing anything to have them see their father. It is not the kids to blame it on it is her the parent. She could have easily sent the children to see your husband even though the kids didn't want to, I mean "who is the parent here?" I just hope it is not too late for you both to develop a relationship with the children. The children need that support emotionally. I would be careful how you carry on your relationship with the ex now even though she is a bit nicer to you. You'll just never know. Trust doesn't happen overnight, to me a good trust relationship would probably be more visible in about 5 yrs or more. Keep us posted.