Sometimes it just hurts and sometimes it's jealousy of BM
For eight years BM was more interested in spending time with her BF (that she was seeing before she divorced my DH) than she was her kids. She would always put BF first over the kids and when they needed something instead of paying for it out of the large CS payment she got each month, she would tell them to ask their dad for it. Guilty dad (my DH) although he was struggling at the time to make ends meet, would buy them what they needed. All the while, BM was using that money to make BF happy. The kids hated BM's BF and never gave him a chance.
During this time, I met my DH five years ago. I have always tried to make my DH's and skids lives better during this time. The skids are now adults, but I tried to do whatever BM wouldn't handle and they even got to where they would ask me for help instead of her (because she would always say that she didn't have the money or time to help). The skids have always thought she is awesome mom, but was mad at her because she wouldn't see how her BF really was
Flash forward to today. BM and BF never got married, but lived together. They are now separating and going their separate ways as soon as BF finds a place to live. Well now the kids are back to absolute awesome mom because she is showing them attention. Although this shouldn't bother me, it does. It hurts a bit, because I feel like I did so much for them that I rarely got a thank you for. And I guess I am jealous, because I do not have kids that feel that way about me.
So many of you have worse situations as I do not have to live with any of the skids and maybe I should not be venting at all. I am 43 years old and never wanted kids of my own, but now find that I am jealous of how BM was not motherly to these kids and now that she is acting all loving they go running back to her and that I have no one who will do that for me. Maybe I made a mistake by never having kids of my own. I don't know.
I just find myself very resentful at these adult stepkids for it. I use to enjoy doing stuff for them and now I just want to say in a very snippy tone to get your mommy to do it.
Ugh, I am sorry STalkers. I just needed to get this off of my chest, because DH tells me that I shouldn't let it bother me and I should have known that as soon as she showed them attention they would think she was the best again.
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Comments
Just because someone "should
Just because someone "should know" doesn't make it any better. You put yourself out there for those kids of course its gonna hurt when they show more attention and affection to someone that couldn't be bothered.
It really is natural though. I still feel that way sometimes with my youngest BD. Her dad is such a waste and yet she still longs for his attention and his love. She is 23. I raised her by myself since she was 1 1/2 years old, yet, when it comes to some achievement or anything special she is doing, she looks for him.
Even though I understand it. It still hurts. That's where you are. Let yourself feel it. It's ok.
How long will the good mommy
How long will the good mommy act last for? My guess is until she finds some new slimeball to latch on to then she will be gone again. I think it is normal for the kids to want to latch on to mom and hope things will magically be better now, but past history suggests this will only last so long.
I know the feeling hun,
I know the feeling hun, totally.
My skids clung to me like glue during the divorce. BM left DH for Homewrecker and TOLD them (7 and 3 at the time) that she was doing it. My SD especially totally wrote off her mother and even though she still saw her 50 percent of the time, she hated her and I got put on a pedistal.
Well now, five years later, SD has grown and let a lot of that anger go, which has resulted in her letting her mother back in.
At first, I was hurt, after all, look at all I had done for her while her worthless mother was being sucky and now it was just like nothing happened. It took me a little bit to realize, that's her mother. Regardless of HOW I feel about her, that's their mother. It doesn't mean that SD appriciates me any less but that is her flesh and blood (and yes, it sucks, but it's the truth) and there's always going to be a bond there.
It doesn't mean the skids have written me off, and while SD may not come to me for advice as often as she used to, I know that if she needs me, I'm still here. They still know that they have to treat me with respect in my own home (thanks to my DH's efforts) and they are both really good kids (straight A's, mind their manners, they do dumb crap but they are kids and they are gonna do dumb crap).
Don't be angry with them, parental bonds are always going to be there, even if she left them out to dry. They remember everything you've done for them, they are just trying to reconnect with her.
Awww. Thank you! It's taken a
Awww. Thank you! It's taken a bit, I was quite pissy for a little while. LOL.
I love your idea about the "me" time. I do a lot of crafts now but it's just a little hobby. I need to start doing something outside of the house for just me.
Thanks to you all. I
Thanks to you all. I appreciate the advice and comments. They are definitely helpful. I use to take horseback riding lessons (actually helped me lose a lot of weight) a few years back but gave it up because of the cost. I think I am going to look into that again as some me time. What a great idea. And I also need to start looking at things in the manner of I know I did right by them and even if they don't see it now, someday they will realize that I was there for them (and still am). Once a new man comes into her life, it will be interesting to see how things will be. The skids have always felt as if BF was the cause of their parents getting divorced.