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LOSING MY MIND>>>>

newmanohouse's picture

Submitted by newmanohouse on Sun, 03/25/2012 - 5:05pm

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New to this and need to vent. Input would be helpful. I am less than 2 yrs married. I have come to love my new family. Please regardless of what may pop out here please remember that. I'm just a wits end. I've tried talking to my wife about these things and it always either comes out wrong or I'm the bad guy, which is a considereable reason why I don't share anything anymore.
I have a new wife and 2 (8-12) stepdaughters and a stepson that is now at a relatively prestigous college.
7-9 months after being married I was informed by wife that the she was going part time to take care of the children. The reason for that was because the grandmother, although with the best of intentions, was not taking care of the children mentally. It wasn't child abuse, it was just the "NUTTY NANNA-isms" that was infiltrating into the youngest mind (back talk, disobedience, not listening to us since "nana said... nana said... nana said...". YOu get the point. I had realy no say about this the kids come first. She was working full time in the medical feild, children's health care cost was $0... yes you heard it folks $0 dollars. Now I am flipping the bill for that. It is not $0. I just found out that SHE has the bonus "AFLAC" insurance if she loses work. She has had it for years. I am not part of that policy.
THe stepson bio-dad passed away when he was two. I feel bad for him, but there is a catch and I'll get to that.
The guy who showed up between the bio-dad and me is dead beat. Sired the children, quit a VERY good job, didn't worka after that nor change his lifestyle.. thean cheated. Now he is 25,000 in the rear which I seemingly have to make up for too. She doesn't want to have anything to do with him, which I understand. But she just waits to for the courts to catch up with him rather than holding him to the child support.
My s-daughter just got out of a back surgery and my youngest has OCD.
My s-son just inherited a SIZABLE amount of $. My wife is mad at me because I said that he should pay, in part, for his part in trip to Disney, that we can't afford. This was after she initialy said that what was she was going to do in the first place... since the boy berated the concept of family vacations, like the one I squeeked out for us to MB, NC. Now our household has to pay for the that sizable difference... and if yu haven't ever crunche the #'s it is a big difference from 4 to 5 people going there. She said the traditional, "After all he has been through", speech again. I'm sorry while I was working full time, providing the $, the health care, sacrificing lunch, working overtime, and she is poolside with the girls, AT CRAZY NANAS. And the boy won't mow the grass, take out the garbage, do the dishes, get a part time job... doesn't even have enough motivation to get his friggin drivers license. Just sits there and eats the food and poops and plays video games... I mean really. I don't think recntly he has been through a hell of a lot.
I admit what I am about to say next is out of frustration, I wish i could be a little more PC but I am at whits end. Since the bio-dad passed away in an accident, and he never after 2-3 yrs, did right by my wife and marry her. He was uin and out of jail I guess... why I don't know. Should he at least take the kid to Disney? Is that cold hearted? I mean really that is what the moiney is for... to do the things he couldn't do since he wasn't there.
I am constantly hearing from my wife how I'm failing. I forget the cat box for a couple of days or miss the dishes one night... I'm nailed to the cross. However, since for the summer that she went REALLY part time (10-hrs week), we agreed that the hhousehold could afford me going to subway for lunch... so she would pack me one. That lasted a week. Everytime I think there is an agreement between us... either that crazy mother of hers, or one of the kids change her mind. THE ONLY PERSON SHE CAN SAY NO TO IS ME.... THE ONE WHO IS FIXING EVERYONE ELSES SHORT COMINGS.
I admit I am feeling a little better. I would like to say if there are any men out of thinking of becoming a stepfather... It isn't jst a metaphor or an exageration.
IT IS TRUELY A THANKLESS JOB!!!!

Hatecopycats's picture

Submitted by Hatecopycats on Sun, 03/25/2012 - 5:19pm

You wont probably wont like what I have to say but my advice..."Run Forest, Run." It sounds like you are being used and abused. I dont see it getting any better unless you grow some balls and flat out tell your wife what you will and will not accept. Im sorry I also think it was really shady she all of a sudden is working part time....sounds sketchy to me. You seem like a great guy and deserve SO MUCH BETTER!!

Hatecopycats's picture

Submitted by Hatecopycats on Sun, 03/25/2012 - 5:21pm

I re read your post again and you are MOST definalty being USED. I am really pissed for you!!!

newmanohouse's picture

Submitted by newmanohouse on Sun, 03/25/2012 - 5:54pm

I know what you mean. It has been a growing consideration in my mind. She was in tears today, because I was voicing my frustrations. It suddenly became her. Everytime I do that, that thinking thing. She crys. I think with the next time it happens and she starts saying things like I'll go back full time and put the kids on WIC and get the "expensive" daycare... I think my answer will be different this time. Instead of me going "whoa this is me just talking about my frustrations"... I think it will be "oh good it has been decided."

I don't know... right now I don't know if I coming or going.

As far as the reasons of her going parttime I get them. To use analogy "If she was polaroid that wasn't developing right, there was a tempatation to shake it until it did." We had to do something. It was jst not the way I wanted which was dropping the child off at daycare in the AM. So the method sucked not the reason.

Don't get me wrong most of the days, in fact 98% percent of the days are good to great.

newmanohouse's picture

Submitted by newmanohouse on Sun, 03/25/2012 - 6:12pm

The day care would have been the better solution. That and not going of to NANA's house cause she had a pool. If she would have stayed fulltime... we could've afforded a pool. and the day care. Unfortunately that didn't answer the who is watching the children while we are at work issue. I don't know.

Just a man without a country right now.

Catch 22's stink.

midnyt's picture

Submitted by midnyt on Sun, 03/25/2012 - 7:19pm

I agree with the above poster, you need to grow some balls, nothing will change until you do. It sounds to me as though you do alot around the house even though working full time, I think the biggest key here is rational communication. I have to admit I am a little guilty of ignoring the housework, I dont mind mess, I dont like dirt, so as long as my house is clean I am ok with my bio kids toys being out or clean washing in the basket by the couch. My partner on the other hand, not so much, he dislikes mess as much as dirt and we have rationally discussed this a number of times, and have developed new rules. The kids now pitch in not only put their toys away when finished but help with other things as well. It hasnt been easy and we need to work at it constantly but we are getting there. I think you really need to be a team when it comes to parenting, even when they arent your bios, having said that your DW needs to be willing to be a team.
If your DW pitches a fit coz you have forgotten a few things around the house, push it back on her, something like "well, you are here more than I am now that you are working part time, how come you didnt do xyz?" ask rationally and dont get argumentative, tone of voice is very important.
Here is Aust health ins isnt mandatory so I cant really comment on that. The pool and daycare thing, perhaps you could mention that if she were working full time you could afford both, or you wouldnt mind so much if the housework was all done before they went to Nannas? I dont know, i dont understand some people, my partner does alot around the house and he works full time, I try to do most of it coz I only work part time and dont think its fair on him, just my opinion though!

newmanohouse's picture

Submitted by newmanohouse on Sun, 03/25/2012 - 9:33pm

Thank you midnyt. There are some take aways from that. I do wish to say, that other than the "summer" with the girls. She does do a lot. The laundry for her and the kids. Getting the girls off to school. Does the physical paying of bills, since they are in her name, not all her $ though. Also she does make the most of meals. Her hours are closer to 25-30 after the summer. It still cost the household 10 to 20 grand but hey it is just money right (sarcasm oozing).

I'm not really trying to throw my wife under the bus. It is just that she is seemingly blind to what I'm going through and when I try to express that, and yes accidently poorly. I get nothing but greif. Plus if there is any suggestion I offer.

I'm just having trouble of knowing when to hold them and fold them.

newmanohouse's picture

Submitted by newmanohouse on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 7:39pm

wife speaking here!!!!!! just typed st and what a surprise the little women has found...the computer age has really changed things...so heartwarming, so much for communication, these people are strangers, try talking to the "wife" you know, the one that just barely works and just does a few things around the house, with the loser son and crazy mother that offers free child care. not only have I been thrown under the bus I have the tire tracks to prove it.