Raising the SK. How to make the Dad help.
So I do everything for my step kids. That includes; feeding, cooking, teaching, getting them to school, changing the youngest's diapers, baths, putting them to bed, disciplining them, homework, and anything else a parent is suppose to do. My problem is my fiance does nothing to help out!
My fiance did just start a job, but since before then he never helped out. I would always be doing it or it wouldn't get done. Now that he has a job I get up wake him up, make him breakfast, pack his lunch, and send him on his way. Then 30 minutes later I wake up the kids get them ready for preschool, take them, and when I have the youngest I come home and take care of him and clean up EVERYTHING. Then at 1:30 I go get the older two and come home, give them a snack, and let them play after we do any school work that needs to be done. Then at 4 or 4:30 (depending on what I'm cooking) I start dinner, keep an eye on the kids, and set the table. By 5 their pawpaw is home (we live with his parents till we save up for our own place) and we start eating. My fiance comes in anywhere from 5 to 7. & what does he do? eats, watch tv, and goes to sleep. He sees me having a hard time with the kids, usually I'm at my wits end & I have to give them a bath, read them a story, and make sure they go to sleep. Then I wake up the next day & do it all over again.
It just bugs me that he don't try to help out. Any advice to make him realize, though I love the kids they are his responsibility? I'll help always, but he should be too. I'm pretty fed up with it.
Here is one
Here is one way
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
^^^Thank you for sharing
^^^Thank you for sharing this!! I love it! She explains the way I feel so much better than I do
Why are you in this
Why are you in this situation? You're not married, don't have kids together, boyfriend treats you like crap by never helping out and leaving everything to you?
What are you getting out of this relationship?
Sometime I ask myself the
Sometime I ask myself the same thing, but he is a good guy on his own and the kids are really loving and sweet. The kids have been hurt and left so many times I can't bring myself to do it again to them.
then its time to lay down the
then its time to lay down the law and demand he help, or you leave things for him to do.
If their parents don't care
If their parents don't care about them, why do you? If you want to help some kids in trouble, foster some kids after you get your college degree and get a career.
And trust me, a guy who is sweet on his own, but does no work and doesn't help you gets old real fast.
This guy is bullshit. You're too young to settle for this.
I'm sorry if I'm coming on strong, but I just don't think this is a good situation.
I've really thought bout
I've really thought bout foster & adoption & having my own kids all after college he doesn't want any of it. His mom and I have been talking bout the parents signing their rights over to her and her kicking him out. That would mean though the kids would be straight up my responsibility most of the days & some weekends. I don't know if I could handle that.
You fix the problem by
You fix the problem by packing your stuff and moving out.
If you want to continue dating him,fine. But you can date without living together. He has no reason to change. Right now he has a nanny and maid who he gets to sleep with.
Those are not your kids. Put yourself first. Move out, go to school and get a job. Do not allow him to tie you down with his kids.
He's using you (and his parents). It's bad enough that he's living at home with 3 kids. Then he has the nerve to add a GF.
There's nothing wrong with loving yourself more than you love him and his kids.
Sometimes I think about
Sometimes I think about leaving. I just feel guilty when I think of the kids & his family because I know if I leave his mom will have to quit work to take care of the kids. I don't want that to happen. I think some of the issues would be solved if he'd leave and me and his mom had a talk bout me "babysitting" the kids while she worked & me getting a job n paying her rent till I can get my own place because I love his family & I love the kids. I wanna be in their lives just not to the extent of being their full time mom. & I don't want to just leave and dump the family cuz they haven't done me wrong, he has. & His mom always says I'm the daughter she never got to have. I think it'd brake her heart if I left forever.
I haven't left because of the
I haven't left because of the kids yes. Honestly I dont want to raise them. I think that they'd be better off with their grandmother than either parents. Right now not having no where to go this would be the only place I could stay till I do get a job and rent my own place. & I told her I'd baby sit while she worked, so that way I wouldn't be raising them just being someone steady in their life & being able to have a life of my own too. I do love the kids, but I question sometimes where I'm going to be if I let my fiance keep doing me wrong and using the kids to get me to stay. Were suppose to get married this year & after that it'll be even harder to leave. I don't know what I'm doing right now..
I met my SO 2 & 1/2 years ago
I met my SO 2 & 1/2 years ago so I was 16 & with my dad until I moved out last year & moved in here. now my parents are back together & traveling. So I can't really stay with them.
Omg! No no. You are barely
Omg! No no. You are barely 18 and have a whole life to live. Do not get married. You need to be experiencing life!!! Oh your parents should never have let you get this far with this man.
I got a job lined up. First
I got a job lined up. First step in the right direction I hope.
Honey, you are 18 YEARS OLD.
Honey, you are 18 YEARS OLD. You've barely put down the Barbies and the baby dolls, and already you've picked up 3 real live kids that aren't even yours! You don't mention how old they are...but I think it's funny that your signature mentions "Checkout Time is 18 Years"...sounds like 1) you're already counting down the time til they're gone....and 2) your boyfriend never checked out - he still lives at home!
I understand where you're coming from, that you don't want to hurt the kids because they've been left before...but....they have been left before. They'll survive it, they'll get over it, in a couple of years, they may not even remember who you are. They'll be fine. You, however, won't be.
By staying in this "relationship," you are abandoning any hope you've ever had of going to college, landing a job in the field you want, etc. You're a stay at home mom for kids that aren't even yours! And he doesn't agree with your plans to have kids of your own, or foster, or adopt? Why are you staying with this guy if the future he wants doesn't line up with yours?
As long as you're living with him, and doing everything for him and his kids, he's going to do as little as he can get away with doing. And it sounds like he's doing absolutely NOTHING. Between you and his mom, is someone wiping his ass for him too? How old is this guy, that he still can't support and take care of himself?
I don't want to sound harsh, but you haven't even started living your life yet - hell, you're not even old enough to drink yet, assuming you're in the US - and you're going to wind up resenting him and the kids for holding you back and keeping you from doing what you want.
You need to disengage...and you need to do it NOW. Move out. Find a roommate or two, or three if you have to. But get out of that house. And once you're out, back off your relationship with him a LOT. Then you'll really find out if he loves you for who you are, or if he "loves" you because you keep him from having to own up to his responsibilities....just like his mom has been doing by allowing him to live with her.
And if she chooses to assume full responsibility and adopt these kids and take them away from their mom and dad, that still makes them HER responsibility, not yours. It's going to be very, very weird if she keeps you on as a nanny, and allows you to live in her house while kicking her own son - her own flesh and blood - out. He'll still be around. You'll still have to see him. And I would bet money that you won't still be together after something like his mom choosing you over him.
But if you're willing (and wanting) to see these kids taken away from him, so you can raise them with his mom....something's not quite right in your relationship with him. It's like frickin Jerry Maguire. He loved the kid, liked the mom. You're not in a relationship with the kids. And while he got the Hollywood Happy Fairytale Ending...it doesn't always happen in real life.
Bottom line....you need to do what's right for YOU. Personally, I think you need to take yourself far, far away from this family. Any chance your mom and dad can take you traveling with them? You need a vacation...and it would be interesting to see what your "fiance" does while you're gone.
Best of luck to you...keep us updated. I hope the job works out well for you and you can get out on your own