How much do you live your lives around skids?
I'm the type of woman that wants to live my own life with my husband and soon to be child. I want to include my stepson honestly as much as we can but his bio mom makes it hard with the visitation schedule.
When planning a family vacation do you live around the CO or just plan when the time is right and if skid can go then skid can go but if not oh well?
Does DH switch visitation time in order for skid to play sports with his friends or just have the skid miss out becaus bio mom doesn't want to drive up and stay?
Truly sometimes I am in such conflict with myself because most of the time I can to include stepson but now it's getting to the point where I just want to live my life according to my and DH schedule and not skids visitation.
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we plan everything around the
we plan everything around the skids visitation/activities. i don't have any other children but i imagine it will be the same after i do.
we don't do EVERYTHING according to what BM plans, but most of it we do because we feel it's best for the skids.
i'm very independent too and it's hard to get used to. being married is hard to get used to for that matter. however, i was a skid and i always ask myself what i would have wanted/needed from my bios and steps if i were in that situation.
i would have really liked to go on the big vacations, especially, as a family and it would have hurt me to be left out.
Just out of curiosity did you
Just out of curiosity did you go with your BM? I plan my vacation around SS11 but in a way that it doesn't hurt his weekend with us but we never include him to go with us. He goes with his mom, so we feel he gets his vacation time. My BS14 never expects to go on vacation with his dad or his SM or sisters, he goes on vacation with us, he doesn't expect two vacations.. Funny it's a question I always struggle with, because I want to do the right thing, but just as I feel that it's my responsiblity to go on vacation with BS i feel it's SS11 resposibility to go with him (cheaper for them too, since it's just her and him).
No, I went on vacations with
No, I went on vacations with my BD and SM and separate vacations with BM and SD.
I lived far away from BD and only saw him in the summer, but was there for the entire summer. He would go on vacations every summer that I was included in. He also went skiing in the winters, since I didn't see him in the winter, I did not go on those vacations. Looking back, I wish he had made an effort to get me on a Spring Break and take me snow skiing. I've still never been.
I lived in the mountains with my mom though, so maybe he thought she took me snow skiing since it was a short drive away. But I digress....
From a skids point of view, time with mom and dad is valuable. We don't think "since mom takes care of us more I'd rather go on vacations with her." We want to spend time with both of them and go on fun vacations with both (not at the same time of course).
Your son might not expect to go on vacations with his dad but I don't think he'd mind at all if he did and he'd probably value the experience.
Blended families are so
Blended families are so complicated. It's good to hear your side. My son also sees BD once a year for the summer. My BS son thinks his BD is the best dad in the world, I often think it's because I do not say anything negative about him, sometimes I like it because he doesn't have resentment or has any "daddy issues" at other times I wish he opened his eyes and see that he doesn't do much to see him. Also when my son goes see his dad I tell him to talk to his father if he wants to do something, like fishing, I don't fish so he always asks his dad.
Good for you! My parents did
Good for you! My parents did this. They kept their personal problems and opinions to themselves and let me love the other without bias. I value them so much for that gift.
Your son will see his dad for who he is in time, when he's ready to face it. I know from personal experience with this.
I know how you feel. I would
I know how you feel. I would just try to ask the BM if you can switch a day so the skids might be included in the vacations every once in awhile. But honestly if she isnt willing to work with you there is not a whole lot you can do about it. I am in the same predicament BM doesnt budge on anything unless it benefits her, but you dont want to penalize your kids for something that you have no control over you know. Just make sure you always tell your skids that you really wish they could be there so they dont feel left out. One day they will understand.
I would only include Step
I would only include Step Kids if they live with us because they are 100% part of the family, but since my SS11 does not live with us I do not include him on vacations. I dont' think its our responsibility to take him. Things are so complicated.
Yeah, I'm certainly afraid of
Yeah, I'm certainly afraid of this happening. But thank goodness a teenager is not "done" yet. I hope they see the light. I think my skids will do this when they are teens, or at least the oldest. It will break DH's heart. I'm trying to prep him for the possibility. We have a jerk BM who PASes the kids.
I will do my best so that my conscience is clean. I have made the choice to love them even when they don't deserve it. I have a theory the more you love the more you are able to be hurt. I will love them the best that I can to give them the best chance at developing a healthy family. If they spit in my face and reject me I will know that I did my best and if that wasn't good enough, nothing will be.
I hope your skids come around.
When we didn't have full
When we didn't have full custody we planned everything around ss visitation. Now that we have full custody ss is involved as a part of all our decisions. I take care of my ss just like a biom takes care of her kids. I probably have him more than DH. Sometimes it does get on my nerves, just because I have already raised my 2 biods, and would like more of a break. But I love my ss and he needs me.
I see how some without BIO
I see how some without BIO kids can possibly re-arrange schedules so that skid can go, etc...however, once you have bio-kids, sorry, I don't think it's always fair to have to plan everything around skids. The skids get two families to take them places, the bio-kids get ONE family...period. They need to learn to live with it.
Second herewegoagain and
Second herewegoagain and serendipity. Life does not stop, just because the skid isn't there that week. I think for large vacations, it's nice to extend the invite, but if he can't make it (or in many cases, BM won't let them go), then we still go. If the child freaks out, tell him that his BM made the decision, not you. You always invited and that's what counts.
I don't know, me and SO (and our families) think that vacations are more for adults anyway. We were often given to our grandparents to look after while our parents vacationed. Went to disneyland once, and we'd go skiing in the winter. That was it... until we reached an age where we could cruise, but only if the cruise fell on our vacations. Otherwise my mom would take her parents to them all the time but it never revolved around our schedule. My dad goes to asia a lot--this year his trip to tibet coincidentally fell on the week my sister had off from her internship, so he's taking her. I work, so I can't go. No jealousy or any issues whatsoever. Parents are sending me to japan in may, sister still has school. No problems there either?
Lol, so for us, vacations and time is based on money, not when or whether kids can go or not unless it is a present specifically for us. Eh. That's just my 2 cents.