I grew up a stepkid...and now I'm a stepmom. Lessons learned.
I grew up a stepchild. Parents divorced when I was 7. Both remarried. My stepdad was a friend and he was good to me but not overly instrusive. From my stepmom, I learned what not to do if I was ever a stepmom.
Now I am a stepmom. I guess for my stepkids sake, they are lucky to have a stepmom who knows and can empatize with the situation they did not ask to be in but are in anyway. I know how hard it is growing up a stepkid with a step parent who despises them and wants to (and will eventually) start a "new family" with their father and be left to be the other kid in the backround.
I wasn't the perfect stepkid either. I had resentment issues, most of which began because I did feel like stepmom was "taking my daddy away" when they started dating. I never had an issue with other women my dad dated though. Another start of the resentment was when some inappropriate things began happening with another family member and when I finally tried bringing it up to dad when I was only 8, stepmom thought I was just seeking attention and the issue was never properly addressed. That paired with little things like the fact I never had any alone with my dad made it hard, example: Dad would have to run to the store for a gallon of milk, I would ask to go with him and he'd say ok to which stepmom would then chime up that No, I couldnt go bc I had to do clean something or it would take too long or whatever.
Dad never seemed to speak up or challenge her, likely because he did not want to get in the middle of anything or catch crap from her and have to deal with that.
While there's so much more, here are the lessons I've learned to being a stepmom:
1-Your husband needs time alone with his children just as much as he needs time alone with you.
2-Not everything your child does is to demean or despise you. Sure, there are some kids like that, but not all and not in every instance is that the reason.
3-If your child is one who makes alledgations routinely just for attention, don't dismiss all of them as just that. Liek the boy who cried wolf, there may be one time when they are truly seeking help and not attention.
4-Children are not as mature as adults and there are many adults who not as mature as adults should be.
5-Don't hold a grudge against the kids that will endure their whole lives....there are some kids who will mature or try to be the better one day and try to form a more favorable relationship with you when they're older...but they can not if you shut them out and don't give them a chance to prove themselves and hold on to the mentality that they still have the personality of the young child they once were.
6-You don't have to love your step kids are your own. But try to let them know they are part of the family and include them. If they do something good, tell them you are proud of them or happy with them. Compliments here and there can go a long way. There should be equal rules for all kids in the family and in a perfect world, discipline would be the same too.
Those are just a few. I don't mean to defend all stepkids bc from reading some of the posts on here, there is no way I would ever to effectively deal with or handle what some of you are going through. I just mean that eventhough you are emotionally involved with the children, wether it be anger, love, frustration etc..., do try sometimes to take a step back and be objective or imagine what things are like from their end. I know the way a BM is does not help either bc she plays a role in how the kids are, and that is not their fault. They only know what they are surrounded by.
I have never understood the
I have never understood the reasoning that because a stepmom wants to have children of her own that she is trying to start a "new family" and that this is somehow leaving other children in the background, leaving them out of the family or otherwise done to create some schism. That's crap. A woman wants children because she wants children, not to try to hurt some kid who's already there. If that were true, everyone would only have one child, because what mother wants to hurt her own kid that way by having a second?
Maybe I have a different take on this because my SD has chosen to purposefully exclude herself from our life and I imagine, will have no interest in our children, but that's 100% her choice. I have been accused of "stealing" her father. This has never been my intention. I worked very hard to let them have "alone" time - but me being there with her dad the other 28 days of the month that she was with her mom, was enough for me to be "stealing" him. I get that they need (or at least desperately want) alone time with their parent, but does that mean the step parent needs to be completely excluded from the whole visit? Because that's exactly what my SD wanted. Well that and for Daddy to spend more money on her than we could possibly afford.
We don't start out despising these kids or wanting to hold grudges against them. It's funny - there's a friend of the family that has a girl that my DH says is Just Like my SD. Very similar personalities, behaviors, etc. This kid and I get along great. Somehow she doesn't think I'm an evil she-devil. SD on the other hand, never even gave me a chance - she hated me from minute one. So apparently, it's not so much.
I get that you had a situation that was hard for you and kudos to you if you have a great situation with your own step kids. But for a lot of us, following your suggestions would just get us kicked in the teeth some more and I for one, want no part.
I agree with 1-6...
I agree with 1-6...
I agree with you Draco. The
I agree with you Draco. The BM to my skids has been dating the same guy (and has had a baby with him) within the last 2 years, he takes barely no part of caring for the kids that aren't his. We are not sure if the BM wants it that way because her baby with him was an accident and she feels temporarily stuck with him, or if he genuinely doesn't want to take care of them.
The BM gets mad at me for having an active role in the kids life and frequently says I should stay out of it. I live with them, how am I suppose to stay out of it, in my home? The BM's boyfriend, the skids seem indifferent about. They say they barely see him and when they do he plays video games all the time. I don't think they dislike him at this point, they just have minimum interaction. I could say he was "a friend" and not overly intrusive, because 1. he leaves it up to the mom to raise her own kids and separates himself from it 2. He gives them piggy back rides, buys them trinkets once in a while, then hangs his hat up for the day in his co-parenting. It's a lot easier to be cool about it when you don't live with them. Heck, if these kids didn't live with me, I'd be cool taking them to museums every other weekend and sending them home to their mom to talk about how fun I am.
It's really due the
It's really due the difference in men vs women. Women can/do take on the full role of raising kids. To have a man step back and let her call all the shots is perfectly fine for alot of us. We are comfortable with that. We are more involved in the daily crap and the daily crap bugs us much more.
Men, on the other hand, take a more backseat role. They are more comfortable to do nothing. Let kids run around and do their thing. Men are much more likely to just want to be a kid's friend.
So smoms get a bad rap. We naturally get more involved and are told to butt out when we have opinions.
Sdads stay uninvolved and no one gives a rat's ass. They let women call the shots mostly. They have it easy.
I would be willig to guess that alot of our husbands who we are trying to pull along, really think that we are just over reacting most of the time.
I can completely relate to
I can completely relate to the OP. I had a better relationship with my step-mom than she did though.
Maybe it made things easier, but my step-dad was gone a lot. He was always traveling or working long hours. There were weeks and months we would not see him. And for reference he has been in my life since I was 3. I am now 35.
But my sd was/is a great man. He adored my mother and he was a great example. He was affectionate and kind to me, he never made me feel left out. I was always included. He took me on little dates and we'd go to the movies, or shopping. Now we go out to eat or coffee, just us. I always enjoy my time with him.
He rarely punished me. If I was disrespectful to my mom he would, however, step in with a firm voice and tell me not to talk to his wife like that. I was a pretty easy child and a scolding from him was enough to straighten me right up.
I knew his triggers and he had rules in the house, but he left most of the decisions about parenting me to my mom.
He always took care of me. If it was catching a glass I had scooted off the table before it spilled (he got really good at that!) or driving me halfway across the country to see my dad, or fixing my toys, or car, he did it.
My step-mom, by comparison, was just more jealous of me. She didn't want to share money with me. She didn't agree with my dad's lacking discipline habits. And in some ways I can identify with her frustrations as a SM myself. Our relationship was more stained, maybe because she had insecurity issues and she and my dad had more relationship problems then my mom and sd had. But to be fair she really took care of me when I was there and taught me so much.
My SD is the man I look to as the example of how a man should love a woman and care for her. Looking back with a better sense of things I think he should have been a more active father to his son and my half-sister. He let my mother deal with most things across the board. This was really hard on my mom when dealing with his son her step-son. But his style was really the perfect blend for me.
But as I've said in past posts, there are no cookie-cutter relationships. I have 2 step-daughters now and they are like night and day. I let them determine the relationship, the only thing I demand from them is respect. I am affectionate and loving with one and I am just friendly with the other.
The only thing I can say is be consistent, take care of them, and adore their mom, these are the things that will stay with them when they grow up and this is how they will see you as a man and parent figure in the long run.
Very insightful post OP,
Very insightful post OP, thank you for your perspective!
I wanted to give my take on this and let me know your thoughts?
"Just out of curiosity, Original poster, you mentioned that when you grew up, you had resentment issues. It seems like you only resent your stepmom for "stealing your father" how come you did not resent your stepdad for "stealing your mother?" I am not trying to attack you in anyway, I am just trying to learn proper boundary in my relationship with my stepdaughter."
This is just my take but I THINK what could go through a girls mind is because of the custody issue. She live with mom, a stepdad is an 'addition' to her family/home-more income, emotional support for mom which makes her a better bio mom, etc.
But dad isn't there, the relationship gets strained just based on distance and visitation, add a step-parent that takes MORE time in their mind from them, while giving to step-mom and possibly her children-easier to resent because he's the one gone already. So a step-mom creates an 'obstacle to dad' instead of a bigger family when at dads. It's a lot of jealousy and resentment, some of it understandable even.
OP-does this theory make sense at all?
Glad your situation is better
Glad your situation is better than most on here. Tread lightly though, we don't have a lot of tolerance for "step-child advocacy" here. Like Aeron wrote, we didn't start off despising our skids, but we have come to this point over a number of years. For most of us, it just gets worse and worse until the skids finally move on with their lives.
"I have never understood the
"I have never understood the reasoning that because a stepmom wants to have children of her own that she is trying to start a "new family" and that this is somehow leaving other children in the background, leaving them out of the family or otherwise done to create some schism. That's crap."
Look at it from the child's perspective. Perception is reality. Also, I've actually read women on here stating as such...they can't stand their skids and hope that when they start their "new family" the skids will just go away.
BlueButterflies has made a VERY introspective and helpful post. I've never been a skid, but have been able to see things from their perspective due to my age and ability to look back and admit mistakes. Seeing some here in the midst of their mistakes and looking like fools is just so sad. Truth is, there are lots of "grown" children with skids here who have no clue what they're doing and acting too much on emotion rather than logic.