FDH still has relationship with EX FIL
I'm not sure if I'm being too sensitive here or not but I'd really like some input. My fiance has a child with his ex wife whom he only married after 5 years of being with her figuring he "should". He accidentally knocked her up after being with her one time and was trapped ever since. They divorced and were apart for a year then got back together because she's a sorry excuse for a mother and he couldn't stand being away from his son that much. After a year of THAT mess, he finally decided he was done for good and that's when we started dating shortly after that. His ex father in law likes to fish and so does my fiance. He's going to go fishing tomorrow and he is going with his ex father in law. He KNOWS how I feel about this. It's so hurtful to me and I feel very disrepected. My fiance doesn't have a relationship with my father since my parents aren't super approving of the "situation" and so maybe that's why it hurts my feelings too. It's almost like he's cheating on MY dad or something....I know that probably sounds ridiculous but I'm not sure how to put what I'm feeling into words. I'm just very very hurt and he tells me that I have to deal with it. His entire family is like this though...his sister has a very close relationship with her ex husband's parents. I think it would be different if this was for the good of his child with his ex but it has absolutely nothing to do with his son. He's even told me that his ex father in law has done more for him than I have...which was really unfair and cruel to say being that I offer him a completely different relationship than what a father in law does. How should I verbalize effectively that this is not okay with me so that he understands better. I'm assuming he just doesn't understand and I'm not communicating my feelings properly and that's why he continues to think that it's okay to do this. Help??
Yeah, I know. I hated my DH
Yeah, I know. I hated my DH having anything to do with his ex wife's family. He didn't understand the problem, but to me, it was like he couldn't totally let go of her. Why on earth would you even want to hang out with relatives of someone you are no longer with? It makes NO SENSE to me. :?
*deeeep breath*...lol. I am
*deeeep breath*...lol. I am trying sooo hard to get to that point where I don't care but I'm obviously not there yet. I'm honestly glad that he's not the only one who thinks this is okay though.....just because I HATE being mad and feeling this way. I realize about myself that I'm a bit overly sensitive at times. Another small worry in the back of my head is that his ex wife loves this because it means that she's "better" than me in some small way....which she isn't in any other way. I know it's not a contest and nobody is "better" than anyone else, but seriously, I'm better at certain things than her and I know her parents have completely quit supporting her because she can never get herself together and makes terrible decisions. So in a way, I do agree with her father on some fronts, but I guess I just really really wish for the one thing that will not happen anytime soon at least and that's a relationship between MY dad and my fiance. My parents have know my finace since we were gradeschoolers so it's not like he's a stranger. They just don't think it's a good idea for ANYBODY to get remarried while there are children still in the house. They're very old fashioned...and miserable in their 30 some odd year marriage.
I guess my thing is, is that if a relationship with my ex husband's parents bothered my SO, I would honestly figure it was time to move forward with relationships and have increasingly less to do with them other than what was necessary for the children. I guess I'm just willing to sacrafice more and give more than he is.
So...I'm a little confused
So...I'm a little confused why you're marrying him. If MY fiance (I'm engaged to a man w/2 SK) actually said to me that "...his ex father in law has done more for him than I have."....are you kidding? This does not bode well.
You feel disrespected because he is disrespecting you. This is not okay. Are you saying that out of all the men out there - you choose to marry - for the rest of your life - a man who says his ex father in law has done more for him than you? By staying with him when he says/does things like that you are "telling him" that it is okay to do so in the future - that you don't expect him to respect you or your boundaries.
Yeah that wouldn't fly with me. You are worth more than this sweetie. I know it is hard. But move on and find a man who would never dream of saying such a thing to you. I'm 36 and at 35 I FINALLY met the man I want to marry. I've been dating since I was 15 - but never settled. It sucked, but was WORTH THE WAIT. He understands me and respects me. I hope you do the same.
^^^THIS!
^^^THIS!
I think you should look at
I think you should look at his relationship with this ex fil as a blessing. I have three older kids who are all i serious live-in relationships. I really really like/love all of their SO. All of them. If they were to break up, chances are, I would maintain a relationship with all three. I would want the best for them. Even if the best isn't one of my kids. I can handle that. I've told my son's fiance, she may be better off finding someone else. (some time ago, but still) and I was being sincere. I'm not in denial about the flaws of my kids, and alot of others are the same way. Maybe this ex-fil is a man who can look at your guy and say, whatever's best for you, go for it!
Antoher thing, I am very very very close to my ex fil. I love the man and his whole family. He wants what's best for me always. When there are kids involved, it's forever for alot of people. For me, it is. It's absolutely not a reflection on my current husband. I love him madly and my feelings for these other people don't change that one little bit. He accepts it. Or so he says. I guess I never really gave him a choice in the matter, it just was.
agreed, there has been plenty
agreed, there has been plenty of times my DH's xfil has been an the voice of reason between him and his ex wife and he has told his daughter off.
I think the relationship your
I think the relationship your So has with his father in law
is beautiful..
Now what your husband said to you about the FIL doing more
than you is another topic.
Fishing buddies are
Fishing buddies are important. I want my DH to have someone with him in case something happens while fishing, people are always falling off boats, etc. around here.
I too would be more upset about being compared, to a man? much less a man from ex life??? I would seriously make him explain that and it better be good. You don't need his ass and be sure to let him know that.!!!!! imo
My DH still has a
My DH still has a relationship with his exFIL too. At first, I thought it was weird but now it's fine,he's a pretty cool guy and he is really nice to me also. There has been plenty of things we have done together, gone to his house to hang out and have some drinks, even when my SD isn't there. My DH is still friendly with his xbil and xsil too. They also treat me as part of their family. It's funny, they still introduce my DH as their inlaw and I'm his wife, you should see the confused look on people's faces. My DH ex is remarried, she left him, and they are mad at her for that, they do not like or respect her new husband. He knows them for 16 years, who am I to get in the way of that. I, on the other hand, cannot stand my ex's parents and was more than happy to get them out of my life for good.