I was talking to a stepmom I work with about a problem we’ve been having with DS13 and SS9 fighting and she brought up an interesting point about birth order. Both of them are the eldest sons at their main custodial parents. SS9 is trying to boss DS13 around and DS isn’t putting up with it.

I was looking online and there’s some things about blended families and birth order such as:

http://christina-gregoire.suite101.com/birth-order--remarriage-can-there...
http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2009/nov/08/remarriage-blending-fami...
http://voices.yahoo.com/birth-order-blended-family-dynamics-guide-unders...

But these experts take this as a one-time event when you get married and your family “blends” like the Brady Bunch. But haven’t seen any analysis of the impact kids constantly going back and forth has.

In my case:

- My DS13 has been an only child for most of his life. My DH’s 2 sons (SS7 and SS9) only visit every other weekend and when they’re off from school, so DS is very accustomed to being the center of attention and the oldest of 3 boys when his stepbrothers are here. When SSs are here for summer break or when SD15 lived with us, it takes DS a long time to adjust and he frequently gets territorial and acts up for attention.

- SS9 and SS7‘s BM had a baby girl a few months ago. So, now SS7 is the youngest at our house and the middle child at his BM’s house.

- SD15's (DH’s illegitimate mistake) BM has a 21 year old girl and a 18 year old boy. SD15 only saw her dad 1-2 times a year, so she was a non-factor before, but when she came to live with us full-time last year, she became the oldest here. SD15 has been babied her whole life and used to everyone around her catering to her needs and never having any responsibilities.

I believe these type of dynamics are having an impact with the boys. But since SS9 and SS7 are only her 4 days a month, it’s not like the family is permanently blended.

SS9 is a little alpha male in training and wanting to assert himself over DS13. SS9 is very athletic and we spend most of the weekend taking him to soccer and baseball games and DS13 is at an very awkward stage and is overweight. It’s not a fair fight and I feel DS is getting bullied.

Any time DH takes DS’s side over his sons, his boys get angry, so he wants to stay out of it and let the boys settle it themselves.

It’s interesting that with adoption, agencies typically won’t allow you to adopt children who are older than the children currently in your home because it simply doesn’t work and creates far too many problems. Yet, people remarry and create this same situation...