1. I think its amazing you read stepmoster and you sound like you have been making a huge huge effort. I commend you for that! In addition, you are really looking at both sides here.
2. Your fiance may have some built up resentment that wont' go away. I think couples therapy is in order.
3. I was a grouch in the mornings, so I understand your daughter. My grandpa (who would take me to school every morning) would get so mad because I would say "I don't feel like talking right now" I was never a morning person. Maybe try to explain this to fiance and tell her just don't talk to daughter if you don't like the response you get.
4. Maybe your fiance needs to get some of that built of resentment out on this website??
5. Just from what you have explained I would agree that fiance sounds a bit harsh. Again, though I would love to hear her side. I think that she probably has some things she just can't let go of due to the past.

I wish you tons of luck!!! I wish my SO was so insightful and motivated.

congrats on reaching out and validating your fiance's feelings.

maybe your daughter's grouchy mornings and bad days ONLY seem to happen when fdw is there and it seems to be a constant. maybe bd only loves fdw when fdw takes her places and spends time & money on her.

i don't know either, so i am just guessing. i am a sm to a sd & ss, i tried like hell in the beginning to make it a happy "blended" family. but i could only try so hard for so long and finally said fuck it. now i here "you didn't try long enough". my reaction to that is, "if all i did was ever respected and appreciated at the time other than EXPECTED, i may have tried longer"

also, i don't know if your in laws have any part of this, my mil & sil made it almost impossible for me to tolerate the sights of skids. and the bm in our situation was no help either.

i think you are taking an excellent step in addressing this before you seal the deal and it's awesome that fdw is so open and honest with you about how stressfull it is for her.

i wish you both the best and have faith it will all work out, especially if you keep these lines of communication open!

Well I can understand having a bad day; I them all the time, and mornings you just don't talk to me till I am fully awake. Your DD might be the same way. Don't get to upset with fiancee she might have just been having a really good morning and did not see DD not wanting to be talked to. Just try to explain to fiancee that mornings are not the best time to try and have a conversation with DD. Maybe just have the normal hello, good morning, blah blah blah, but a full blown conversation about this and that needs to wait till after school or something, just an ideal. IDK ....

Just remember this; your daughter is your daughter for life; Your fiancees is not a grantee in your life forever and that is something all us SM I am sure deal with at times.

Maybe it was a bump heads kind of morning. They happen with woman live together.

this may be true:

"your daughter is your daughter for life"

but i would hope she would grow up one day and LEAVE dadddyyyy to have her own life.....

i would not recommend using that phrase with your fiance or you might solve the problem pronto with out the end result you were looking for.

Welcome, and behalf of all step-parents thanks for actually listening to your fiance's concerns.

At this point it almost sounds like she is nit-picking about your daughter, and we've all done it from time to time. Yes, she is definitely competing with your daughter for your time, but it doesn't have to be that way. Now that she has voiced her concerns to you with your acknowledgement, it is now her turn to listen to you.

As a step-parent you have to pick and choose your battles. Some things you just have to let go.

As a stepmom with no biokids of my own I can understand both sides of the coin. First the competitive portion. Easily solved. Pick 1 night a week. Make it yours together. Just the two of you. Pick another night of the week make it family night. Doing stuff together as a family where all are involved helps smooth over the extra attention you maybe giving your D when she is there since you only have her half the time. Little biology lesson. Between ages 7 to 11 years old girls start competing with their mothers and testing out their sexuality (not gross way) with the first real male they have interaction with which is - ta da!- You! so they extra affection your D may be giving you is really her way of trying out her womanhood and could be alienating your fiance. None of this is wrong, just hard. This helps me on rough days - I remind myself that feelings aren't facts and how i feel now is apt to change fairly soon. Sounds to me like fiance is having difficulty adjusting from single non mom life to married mom life. Its extremely hard without kids of your own to understand and be patient with some kid behaviors. Remember your ex had 9 months to adjust and expect your baby girl, you had 9 months to prepare and each of you has had 8 years to learn the inside and out of what makes your daughter tick. Non biomoms don't have maternal instincts to understand and be patient through crappy moods, whining, poor behaviors etc. We haven't raised a child and dealt with it on a permanent basis! Those things just don't come natural to us. That being said with TIME we learn how to adapt. How to understand your child, their behavior. If we want to. Remember that up until she became a part of your lives your fiance was used to dealing primarily with adults who can reason and with her own feelings. A child who is crabby for no reason or cant explain why throws us for a loop! Your fiance should join a support group such as this, read a book about stepmoms and really decide if the juice is worth the squeeze and if she is really committed for the long haul to you AND your daughter. Something tells me your daughter doesn't need 2 broken homes. The part she is having a hard time understanding is that what she puts out is what she gets back in return and that how she feels now isn't permanent. It'll pass.

It sounds to me as if your fiance is expecting you and your daughter to make all of the changes. It really doesn't sound like she is altering her own behavior in order to blend.

It also sounds to me like she may be using this to get out of the relationship. I know as a parent, I would not like an email telling me my SO couldn't stand my kid and it would make me a little defensive and that is no way to try to resolve issues. A conversation like this really needs to be had face to face.

I think you have jumped through enough hoops to try to make this relationship work. Your fiance has to reciprocate or it never will

Thank you for reading "Stepmonster" that in it self is a huge step. My FDH is stuck in the hospital so I am forcing him to read it now

As far as the nit picking that your SO is doing. Try to take some of the responsibility off of her. A lot of us on this site have adapted the saying "not my kid not my problem" and we have disengaged completely. If you dont want that to happen and you do want a good home life take the responsibility back. Drive your own daughter to school (what would you be doing if your SO wasnt there). Cook more dinners when your DD is present. Have a special date night with your SO, get a baby sitter for a few hours if you have too. Trust me, when my FDH choose to get a sitter for his two girls and I got to go out with my FDH alone it was the best night. Because I knew that he wanted to spend the time with me. As females we tend to hold onto things. We tend to hold really bad grudges and not let things go. So your DD not taking to your SO in the car might have been going on for months but today she was sent over the edge. Women tend to let things fester and blow up (so it is in our DNA)

Nothing about blending is going to be easy. there are going to be a lot of arguments and a lot of disagreements. the trick is to work together. make time for each other, and make time for your kids. If that means that they get an early bedtime and you and you SO get a movie night, or you start a hot bubble bath for the two of you.

But my biggest tip for you too is to ALWAYS communicate even if it is a Flatt out scream out never stop communicating.

Hmm, that's a toughie but it seems like there are more underlying issues than just this since she shouldn't have such strong feelings if everything is as good as you say they are. Improvement does not necessarily mean "good" and very often people end up relaxing because they think they improved and now things don't need to be changed or pushed any more.

By the way, how come your fiance is taking her to school? No offense but I believe raising your daughter should be your responsibility as it is your daughter but it seems that a portion of raising her has fallen on your fiance's shoulders? If she does help out, it is only a favor and by no means should it be her responsibility.

There are also fundamental differences with how women see things and how men see things: women go for the general picture, shall we say "fruit?" and men try to solve the individual issues "apples and oranges." So it may feel like she's bringing more and more issues up but chances are she's talking about one issue, just different situations it's manifesting itself in.

For example: My FDH thinks tjat "she's mad this time because I was late when I told her I'd be there in half an hour and instead took 3 hours. I won't do that again."

"Oh no, she got mad because I said I was going to go to the dinner with her parents but ended up cancelling last minute. I won't do that again!"

"Oh no! She got mad because I forgot that we planned the day together and decided to schedule a bunch of my work stuff on this day. I won't do that again!"

He finally ends up thinking "It's just one thing after another!"

Whereas here I am, fuming mad because of ONE issue: His lack of conscientiousness.

Lol, hope this gives you a little insight to how women and men operate. As my psychology professor said: Girls, please forgive us, we suck at generalization. It's biological!

This is just food for thought. You already think she is overreacting even though you said her points her valid, I think you need to know that everyone's perception of how severe an issue is is their own, and that if you undermine it, you will lose their respect and love.

Maybe getting to the root of her issues will be more helpful than just trying to tackle one situation at a time as they pop up. I wish you luck!

i would like to hear what she has to say. i wonder if there's pent-up frustrations/resentments that she's not telling you. how old is your fiance? what issues did she originally have that you have made major improvements on? does she agree those improvements have been made? i would tend to say that most of us in the step-mother role are very generous and loving, not so prone to childish jealousies. if you've been with this lady for 3 years, you must not see that in her, either. i think we would need more information in order to help you.

IDK-I thought it sounded as if she was trying-she took the kid to play laser tag, she is communicating honestly with her fdh about her feelings-these are good things.

One of my issues is the whole "falseness" of stepparenthood. I am not sure that is the right word-but when my own children get on my nerves I let them know. If they were being noncommunicative with me in the morning-I'd probably get annoyed with them when they werent really ansering me as I woudl perceive it as rude. it's not the end of the world or a major issue-but I would feel free to address it myself right then and there-like, "Hey! I am helping you get to school and trying to make pleasant conversation with you-I would appreciate if you could at least give me a solid answer!" or "your grouchiness makes me feel like perhaps you should try to find a different ride to school in the future!". My kid mgiht mumble a little but then would probably say, "oh, sorry, I was just tired" or whatever. But maybe your fiance does not feel comfortable giving your dd this normal feedback so instead she is telling you about every little minor issue then her blood boils about because she is not addressing them herself when it happens and maybe there are alot of little minor issues that build up and she doesnt share all of them?

I know with my ss-he annoys the hell out of me. Truly. He is ADHD and ODD and is really just an annoying child-not just my opinion. However, I rarely ever comment on all the annoying, obnoxious, things he does because I feel like there will be backlash. Number 1-he would not accept it at all-it would really piss him off and he could potentially scream at me, Number 2, my dh may have very poor judgement and perceive me as picking on his child-which either way a huge blowout with ss or dh is oftne not worth correcting his annoying behaviors. But then my frustration builds as he continues with this behavior constantly, dh doesnt notice, or doesnt address it in the way I feel he should, so resentment builds.

She may not be fearful that your child will lash out at her, but she may very much care that your child likes her and feel like she cannot correct her in anyway. I dont know if any of this makes sense-but it is just some of my experiences as a sm.

Did your fiance also read Stepmonster? Also, how old is your finace? Did she offer to take your daughter to school, or did you ask her to?

It sounds a little bit like your fiance is trying really, really hard and expecting a grand response from your daughter in return. If your finace is young and inexperienced with children, perhaps she just isn't aware that kids are not like adults. They are not going to reward you for trying harder--they might not even be aware of it. It's a bit like studying your butt off for a big exam, and then never getting the results. I think she may have built up her expectations and is letting little moments feel like big let downs. Sometimes kids are just tired in the morning, even with their parents.

However, it is possible that you are missing something. I feel awful saying that, because it does seem like you're trying very hard. Unfortunately, it is difficult to know the whole story without hearing her side as well. Perhaps there is something more going on that you are unaware of. I do not think you're doing anything wrong though. You sound like you're being open and you are really trying to be aware of your fiance's perspective. If there IS more going on, then she needs to talk to you about it and be honest.

My recommendation is to sit down and have a very honest discussion with your fiance. Maybe you should both exchange letters to each other about how you are feeling before you sit down; some people express themselves better on paper, where they feel less confronted.

I wish you the best of luck.

It's soo hard to say anythng without hearing her side. So I will say this:

Sometimes the things we are upset at are not really the things we are upset about.

What concerns me is she opens her email with "I love you sooo much BUT.." then the rant about your daughter not wanting to talk in the morning. Just as your fiancee isn't there to constantly attend to your daughter neither is your daughter to have good manners 100% of the time and give answers that meet your fiancee's criteria. What would have happened if she had said "The Magic Box sucks." or "I hate school, it is awful, I hate it and the teacher is a crab. And I hate you for taking me there." Is your fiancee ready for any answer she gets? Or she just doesn't want mumbles?

She wants to slap your daughter for NOT talking to her? So you go home and say to Miss8 "You have to be nice to fiancee and ALWAYS answer her in a tone that is respectful and don't you forget it!" Win to Fiancee. She gets what SHE wants. And DD feels that she has no control over her life.
I am all for well behaved polite children but you can dislike asparagus politely without spitting it all over the floor. DD made it clear she didn't want to talk to her FSM this morning. She didn't want to talk. EVERYONE has moments like that. So FSM pushed the issue and now she is pissy because she didn't get the response she wanted.

Obcviously the woman never learnt to argue properly. Say a nice thing, the thing that annoys you and then another nice thing. "I love Kayli's hair. It is so shiny and wavy. I wish she would keep it tidier so it doesn't get so many knots in it for us to comb out. I am sure she would love some hair detangler spray of her own." Dad hears "Buy Hair Detangler for Kayli. She will look better."

Getting a babysitter WHILE Kayli is there is a good idea. This gets Kayli used to the idea that plans do not revolve around her and her appearance in your home.

Also ask your fiancee for some GOOD things about your daughter. By asking her to verbalise some good things about your daughter will reinforce the good things in her mind. If she cannot think of anything then the problem is bigger than you think.

I'm nott sure about this, if SD is only there 50% of the time, they FDH and fiancee have 50% of the time alone to go out to dinners etc., if SD were there 100% of the time then of course I would understand getting babysitters and arranging "alone" time with fiance, somehow I think it is a big ask in this case. The idea of FDH and SD doing something special ie: cooking dinner, setting the table and doing the washing up together while fiance sits back and relaxes as stepmomma has suggested makes far more sense to me, and I think it kills two birds with one stone, fiance' gets to feel appreciated, and SD gets a couple of lessons, like gratitude and being appreciative and showing that appreciation to people who are helping you. Fiance is certainly taking on a huge role here and is very much helping SD, and given that fiancee is not the bio mum she deserves to have it recognized that whatever she does for this child is a favour, and is done out of love and respect for FDH taking the child to school and everything else she does is not her job, not her responsibility, I am sure she does this for dad, beacause she loves dad, however, maybe dad it could just be something as simple as dad forgets to say "thank you" to fiance for all the things she does for SD. Sorry dad, not picking on you or blaming you here at all, you sound fantastic, but most of us on this site who have problems with SK have these problems not so much because of SK but because of DH/SO who cannot see the forest for the trees.

Fiance is not your childs mother yet she has clearly stepped in and as your future wife and partner has assumed a whole lot of responsibility for a child that is yours and BM's, she deserves credit for that. There also seems to be an assumption that people LOVE their SK's as they do their own, and that is not biologically possible. Sure, we can treat them as we do our own, but they are not our own, and as one poster said, we feel more able to tell it like it is to our kids, and our partners don't have a problem with that, but all too often, we are expected to love, and treasure our stepkids as though they were our own, we do and say all the good stuff as though they were our own, but God help any of us, should we dare to raise so much as our voices to our SK as if they were our own, now we have suddednly crossed a line. So the expecttion really is, be good to them as though they were your own, but when they misbehave as any kid does, well, you cannot discipline them as though they were your own, because you are now just picking on them because they are not yours. Maybe Fiance knows she had better not suggest to SD that she is grumpy in the mornings, maybe SD and Fiance are both not morning people, but if fiance is not free to express to SD you are a grumpy sod in the mornings, she is going to take her frustrations out on you and rightly so, she shouldn't be taking them out on th child. Maybe your expectations are too high, you love your child in a way your fiance cannot possibly love her, that does not mean your fiance does not love your child, but she would love her as you would a neice perhaps, and it is different, still love but different, so as a wise old man once said to me, your own children make music, other peoples' make noise. Remember that and remember to fiance this child is other peoples' not her own. No matter how much she loves her, this is not her child. I would certainly take th route as suggested in the previous post of you and SD having an occassional "thank you SM night" and both of you showing your thanks for all SM is doing here.

Well done to you for making such a huge effort, not many men would do what you have done and it can only benefit, your child, your fiance and most of all you.

It sounds to me like she's telling you that she does not enjoy having to start out her day by driving your grouchy daughter to school. "What are we going to do about it?" I think you should start driving her. Your fiance should not be made to transport your child to/from school. If your schedule doesn't permit, then you should arrange transportation and/or before/after-school care for her.

PS In case you are not aware, sometimes as bio-parents we TOO have days that we can't stand our kids...or moments...but nobody really cares if we do, or should I say, if we do, society as a whole just accepts it that we love our children but they do indeed just wear us out somedays or that somedays we have bad days and anything our kids do is wrong and gets on our nerves...sadly, for stepmoms, this is not really an option.

But I do commend that you are trying. I think that you need to make your daughter your responsibility at all times vs. expecting anything from your wife when it comes to her. If you were not with her, who would be taking your daughter to school? Nothing should change. If you took her before, you should continue...otherwise, that resentment will continue to build.

As cantwin said, sometimes the things we are angry about are not the things we are angry about. Your fiance sounds like a reasonable woman who is trying really hard. It could be your daughter's crabbiness may have been the straw that broke the camel's back and you need to have a talk with her to get to the root of the problem.

For instance: I HATE when SD5 wakes up at 6am on Saturdays and proceeds to bang on our bedroom door until DH wakes up and entertains her. I might tell DH that I don't like when SD5 wakes us up early. What I really mean is that she hasn't been taught "don't wake daddy" and doesn't know how to self-entertain which is more deeply rooted than knocking on the bedroom door.

I understand wanting your fiance and DD to get along and encourage their girls' night outs, but is this something your fiance is interested in or is she just going along for your sake? It sounds as though she has some built up resentment and that is what you need to focus on. Also, I agree on having a weekly date night with your fiance. I realize you only have your daughter 50% of the time but by having a set date night, your fiance will have something to hold on to and look forward to and perhaps that may curb some of her jealousy. Another thing that DH and I are doing to help with the constant competition is implementing a set bedtime so that we know after a certain time we have our time together.

Before you do anything or assume anything an honest discussion with your fiance about her feelings. It may be that your DD is not doing anything wrong but your fiance is having a hard time adjusting.

YOu've gotten lots of great advice here already. All I can add is that when I read your fiance's email to you it registered with me. Knowing how resentment has built up in me regarding my SD.

I'm sure she doesn't expect your daughter to be all 'on' and smiling every second of every day and the grumpy mumbling responses of this morning just stuck a nerve of a behavior that happens often and is adding to her resentment.

I often tell my DH. It's not the behaviors of SD that bother me. The things she does are 100% age appropriate things that ALL kids her age do. What sets me off is his response to it - or lack of response. He is a parent and it's his job to correct these behaviors and teach his child to become a better human being. Every time he ignores the mumbling, grumbling response to me it grates further and further on my nerves and causes more resentment.

Maybe all she needs/wants from you is acknowledgement that it's not nice behavior and the ok for her to step up and say so to your daughter, respectfully of course. I know if my kids acted like that to me when I was trying to talk to them (and they occationally do because they are kids) I would call them on it. Maybe..."well it seems like you aren't in the mood to talk this morning, I'll just leave you alone". or "YOu could make more of an effort to talk to me when I talk to you since I'm taking you to school when I don't have to be doing so."

My biggest question to you would be..is this a complaint that she has overall about the way your daughter communicates with her or was it just a specific event? You can see how annoying it would be to try and try and go out of your way to build a relationship with a child who is not taught to properly address adults and is allowed to just mumble and grumble 'basic' responses.

And I agree that you might send your fiance here to read what everyone is saying and dealing with and that will open the lines of communication with her aobut your issues.

Random thoughts:

- How old is your fiancee? Either her reaction is lack of maturity, experience or it's a straw & camel's back situation.

- Has she ever been a step before? As with most things, you learn to not sweat the small stuff after awhile (unless, the straw & camel situation).

Once you get to the point that every little thing someone does or doesn't do urks you, it's hard to go back to an objective view.

I applaud you on your openness and willing to do the hard work of trying to make things better for your fiancee. Without getting the benefit of her side of the story, it sounds like she's miserable and will be unless she can learn to let the small stuff go.

I've been thinking about how to respond to this since this morning.
1. I'm so happy you are trying to help your wife (stepmom)
2. Big points for reading step monster
3. Could your daughter be anything like my ss was? Meaning all was good and fine as long as we were doing "fun" stuff or spending money on him. The minute real life kicked in my stepson started with the death stares and disrespectful behavior and mouth and being a total pig expecting me to bow to him. Interestingly my husband NEVER saw this behavior until it was to late. Yes he saw it the entire time he just didn't want to believe it.
4. Are you ok with your wife just being a concerned adult? Sometimes people just can't love a child as their own, Its not that we don't love them in our own way we just don't love them on the same level and think every baby behavior is cute well into teenage and adult hood. Think maybe a tad too much pressure is being put on her to become a second mom. This rarely works.
5. You say your wife is a teacher of kids the same age range. Is it possible she sees your daughter not progressing as the other kids are maturity wise? A lot of the people on here have SD;s who are mini wives yet the father thinks its cute and the wife is over reacting when upset they are being put second over a kid.
6. Is there anyway we can get the story from your wife? Usually there are 3 sides of the story. Yours, hers and the truth.