My mother remarried when I was in my late teens, so my stepfather has never been that big of a piece in my life. Now he's extremely strict and is very hard on my little brother's who he lives with FT. His own daughters when visiting do not get the same harsh treatment. My mom has told me that she's tried bringing it up to him but he just doesn't see it. Ok, now most of you are probably saying 'ok, so what? that's her house, not yours'

HOWEVER, more recently its become evident that my stepfather is carrying on this harsh treatment of boys onto my SS5. Needless to say my husband does not appreciate this in the slightest. I've tried talking with my mom and limiting the direct contact between SS and SF, but my SF buts in with his advice all the time. For example, this past weekend we had a birthday party for our BD2 with family at our place. Well, SS5 was served his coldcut sandwich "lunch" by dad and immediately started having an eye issue. So, I'm looking to see if something is really in SSs eye and the whole time my stepfather is YELLING about how there's nothing there and SS is just playing us. Well I discover that there is nothing visible and tell SS to go rise his eye out in the bathroom to see if that makes it better. I tell my stepdad that regardless of whether SS is pretending or not,I have to address it. Well SS comes back and is still rubbing his eye and glancing sideways at the food, so I ask him if he wants to wait awhile and then we'll see if his eye feels better or not. He sits and doesn't touch his food until I tell ask him if he's hungry and if he'd like to wait another hour until he eats? He says yes and goes plays. Hour later, I sit him down asking him what he'd like- meatball sandwich- and he sits down and gulps it up. Sometime during the party, I cant remember when- I think when SS was just sitting there looking at his food and rubbing his eye- my husband confronts my SF about his place- saying something like you don't know SS, we do. Yelling isn't going to get him to do what you want. And my SF returns with Ive gotta toughen him up to which my husband responds thats not your place to do.

Well my husband feels defeated about trying to talk to my stepdad about it because my stepdad just starts yelling and apparently believes the illogical belief that whoever can scream their viewpoint louder wins the agrument. And he told me hes done with going over to my moms and doesnt want to talk to my stepfather and if possible avoid him at all costs. He also decided to call my mom and tell her that our future avoidance is due to her husbands behavior towards himself and his son. When my mom told me about this conversation, she stated she had told my husband that whatever problems he had with her husband could be resolved through her husband. (Sorry that just got confusing)
Well later on that day I was in to see my mom at her place with our BD2. And the dog issue was brought up with my stepfather. He immediately began yelling about how the dogs are the dogs and that SS is just playing us and isnt really scared. I brought up that everytime I mention we're coming over, SS is excited until right before we get here and he asks about the dogs in a worried way. The dogs by the way are the about the same height as my SS5 and the one jumps a lot. My stepfather states that SS just needs to get over it. I say if it were BD2 who was scared the dogs would be kept in another room until we got in. To which he states but she wont be because shes used to the dogs. I respond she probably wont be but half of that is because theyre different children, shes a lot more fearless than SS. To which he breaks in we need to toughen that kid up. I retort that regardless of how weak hes seen, he is still a child. Hes 5 not a teenager. He doesnt need to be a man. The dogs are his size, so regardless of how much he may be playing up the fear- it is still real. And he does need to be toughened up but we've doing it gradually. He just shakes his head, I sigh at my mom and she shrugs her shoulders.

So, me and my mom have a very close relationship- I would say I talk to her at least weekly. And they have been very nice financially with presents to us.
But her husband has worn out his welcome with my husband. I really don't know what to do. I still want to try and go over there for New Years Day, as planned, to do Christmas gift exchange with all the kids (my siblings and our kids), but I wonder what to do should my stepfather decide to make SS man up or something else that's going to irritate my husband to the point they're in a shouting match. Any suggestions?