Hi, I'm new here. I feel very happy to have found other women and men who are dealing with issues regarding step parenting.

I have been a single mother for 7 years. I dated a little, but nothing much. Thus it has always been me and my daughter. Ive always been very independent also, as I put myself through university and am now working on my masters.
I met a terrific guy, about 2 years ago. He had a 1 year old-now 3-and we lived very close together. Our children spent 3 days a week together and really got along well. They shared everything and played superly. There was never any issues for 1.5 years.
Then we moved in together. THere was pressure of an unplanned pregnancy. I really struggled with wether I shoudl keep her -I did and have no regrets as she has only enhanced our relationship and our happiness -but the pressure of a pregnancy forced us to live together sooner than I was ready for. I struggled with losing my independence for a coupld of months, but I am in a good place now.

My partner's daughter has two very alrge families on both of her bio parent's sides. On the father's side, she is given a LOT of attention, and super super spoiled by the grandparents. My partner rented out part of his parent's house for her first 2.5 years of life, so she got very used to being pampered. She was never giventime outs, never really controlled for her bad behvaiour, always responded to when she whined for something. She is also daddy's little girl. She gets away with a lot. So you might see my annoyance that this child now lives as a siblingin my house.
ON her mom's side, they are realyl emneshed, so they spend every second in their grandparents home with sisters and brothers and aunts etc. and all their children. Dinners are apparently crazy there and you have to really put on a show to be heard. So when the partner's daughter comes to our house 3 days each week, dinners and meals are hell. No one gets to talk but her. She jokes, sings, yells, plays with her food, barely eats etc. My partner spends his meal coaxing her to eat. It takes the focus off of the whole table. NO one gets to talk without being interrupted. And she is very funny and entertaining which the father seems to be very proud of, so he pays attention and laughs. She commands attention, which my partners tells her often, but he is obviosly proud of it and finds it very fun and to his liking.

Her mom really hates having a new mom in her daughter's life. Before the daughter moved in with us we had a very good relationship. NOw that she is here half the week, when she comes from her mom's she is brainwashed to hate me. SHe is increasingly hiding behind her dad when she does something wrong, runnign ot him like he is going to save her whenshe is in trouble. SHe does stuff a lot to my daughter. SHe sneaks to her colourin gbooks and scribbles on her drawings, she demands to do whatever my daughter is doing, will steal her toys etc. and when my daughter asks for them back and hten eventually just takes them, she screams her head off and starts hitting her and scratchign her and then she goes to tell on her to her daddy. THis goes on all day every day. I cannot stand it. It starts right from the first thing in the morning. SHe wakes up, yelling and screaming. THe dad doesnt do much to stop this so I have to be bad cop. THen the kids fight all morning. The dad is with them in mornings because I have been up reastfeeding at nights. He hates it but his appraoch is good - to liste to every problem and use them as oportunities to teach them lessons. He has gotten better and better at being fair with the kids. He admits it is hard because he misses his daughter half hte week and tries to overcompensate by not punishing her and spoling her. He is stopping this behaviour.

However, my approach is to remove myself and my daughter from her. EVen though my partner is trying really hard, on days where he misses stuff, like when she is screamin gfor 20 minutes in the morning and he only politely asks her to please stop(she doesnt) and he doesnt take further measures to sto pher, or when he doesnt give her time outs for hitting etc. I become so furious. I dont know whats wrong with me, but something about having this child in my home who brings negative energy to my once peaceful existence all day every day makes me just want to not be around her. My approach is to separate the kids. I dont believe she will learn. I know her mother works on her weekly to cause more problems, which isnt helping. I also know she remembers life without us and is used to being spoiled(which gets reinforced at her grandmas often) and she fights for it. I Miss my peaceful life in my home. I resent this child. WHen she comes to my house, my partner becomes enmeshed with her. Even when they are spending time with us, like at dinner, we get ignored because his child is so high maintenence, and demands so much attention. SHe talks incessantly. It is so annoying. I used to think she was cute and funny, now I understand that she is just so competetive with us all that she does not stop trying to make herself the centre of it all. What is worse is that her dad really likes it. I dread weekends. IT is lonely even in their company. It is annoying. It is full of kids fighting. It stakes me and my partner against each other. I resent the child for this, and the father.
So we fight about it every weekend. WHen she leaves I feel so relieved. EVerything becomes functional again. When she returns, it's like a different world. It is chaotic, loud, negative, whiny, and a huge struggle in general. Everything from getting dressed to having dinner, to going anywhere.. it's all a huge struggle. SHe is so demanding and intrusive and every little thing has to be a competition. I sincerely wish she woudl just go away and never come back. But I knwo this isnt possible, so I want to leave on weekends with my daughter and the baby. Even with the baby she is competetive. I get that her mom's famly is trying to make her competetive. They try to make her tough so she doesnt become second to my child. She comes here all like'this is MY daddy. I am allowed to do whatever I want. I hate witches(they tell her im a witch) etc.

Ive talked to my partner about all of this, and we try to work it out. It has been about 6 months, and although his behaviour is somewhat changing, the childs is not. My feelings for her are the same also. I hate having her here. I cant stand her personality because it interferes with everyone else's enjoyment. I tell him that I feel terrible and that it isnt good for his child for me to feel these thigns. I still treat her very very well, but inside I want out. Ive talked to him about me going away on weekends, and it really hurts him. HE wants us all to be a family. He thinks this is all normal and that it will change intime> I only see it getting worse, especially with the bio mom working so dilligently on her hating me and being competetive. Id be happy to go get a hotel on weekends, or visit family, or ANYthing but be here. I dont want to be viewed as this wikked step mother who always has to keep this child in line while her father remains a softy. He is trying, but still... i feel it will always be them versus us.

Does anyone else feel this way??

THank you for listening. SOrry there are so manyspelling errors. My baby is asleep and Im typing as fast as I can! I hope it makes sense even :/

stepkitten