Stepdaughters List of Dictates for Rules of Engagement.
So, out of curiosity, how would your husband and you react to your stepdaughters list of rules on what you can and can't say or do?
We are following the "rules" exactly as my stepdaughter requested, because we know they are going to blow up in her face as time goes by. 
But give your input please on how you would react - or if you have ever had this happen to you.
Stepdaughters Rules......
1. We are only allowed to say "positive" things to her. We can never say "negative" things to her.
2. We are not allowed to send her mail or packages.
3. We can never give her "advise" or "insight" on a subject.
She doesn't seem to understand (despite my DH's trying to explain it to her) that this is really going to undermine good, healthy communication between her and him (I avoid talking to her).
Concerning only saying "positive" things to her ALL the time, this means we didn't tell her when her father had to have surgery, and any other thing that wasn't "positive". After all, having surgery for an injury isn't a "positive subject", right? 
Concerning us not being allowed to send her any mail or packages, she has not received birthday cards, and neither will her new husband. They won't receive any holiday greeting cards, nor their Christmas presents. We refuse to see them in person, because of their rude and immature behavior towards me. They won't receive a wedding anniversary card or photos we have taken, etc....
Concerning us never being allowed to give "advise" or "insight" she will not get an answer from her dad when she asks him a car question if something is wrong with her car. If he sees her about to step in front of a truck, he won't be able to tell her to "Watch Out"! That is "advise" after all. 
Because of her extremely controlling rules, my DH doesn't feel like trying to navigate the "mine field" of questions he is allowed to ask or not. She didn't forbid him from asking questions, but it is so stressful and confusing to know just what questions she will and won't accept, he prefers to just not ask any. If she wants to share something, she will have to bring up the subject. All my husband has been doing is responding with "That's nice honey". That's a "positive" response right? 
It will be interesting to see how long it takes for her to start whining about how she and her father can't "talk" anymore. 
So, any insight or suggestions?
Anyone else had to deal with this crap?
^^^^^Could not have said it
^^^^^Could not have said it better!!!^^^^
Exactly. You and your DH's
Exactly.
You and your DH's first mistake:
Abiding by her rules. Who the hell is SHE to be dictating you YOUR household what you can and can't do. Give me a break!
Ditto!
Ditto!
Wise saying dragonfly5 (or
Wise saying dragonfly5 (or Eleanor Roosevelt). So true also.
I would be done as well. She
I would be done as well. She sounds like a pain and not worth having in your life...
I've never heard anything so
I've never heard anything so ridiculous. It's really kind of funny.
I just would not communicate with her AT ALL. If she wants to know why eventually, just tell her you had nothing positive to say.
Oh, but I would be tempted to tell her that I wanted to send her a big fat check for christmas but darn it-couldnt do it since I couldnt mail her anything.
That's all permission for you
That's all permission for you to no longer interact with her. Great!
Wow. She sounds mentally ill.
Wow. She sounds mentally ill. That list is so bizarre I can see how your DH is boxed in to only saying, "That's nice dear". Jeez. Relationships are uneven, fun, bad,good, messy, wonderful affairs that only happen when two people can reveal thier true selves.I can see rules such as "hey, I'm not going to deal with you when your drunk" But THESE rules aim to put all the control in her court. Very wierd, seems almost abusive to me- the level of control wanted.
Draco - I don't know your
Draco - I don't know your situation with your father, but i do know my Dad used to/still is a bit the same way. He just does those things because he cares. I for one am very independent and impatient .... sometimes those phone conversations are killers but i know it is because he cares. I just tell my Dad thank you. I lost my mother 11 yrs ago. I am not sure if your dad is single but in regards to my dad i think he just wants to make sure i am ok and more so because of my BD12 ... his grandbaby. I must say though - the most spoken words to me from my dad is: you never listen to me anyways
When I first read your post,
When I first read your post, I thought we were talking about a teenage girl! That is ridiculous!! The only time I belive that adult children can make rules for other adults like parents is if that parent decides to live with them in the child's household. Just don't communicate at all!
We don't mind going by the
We don't mind going by the rules, it saves us from having to deal with her - shop for presents for her, and generally put up with her weird, controlling behavior.
My husband says "That's nice dear" to get her frustrated. You can tell she is waiting for some reply other than what he says. He doesn't attempt to continue the conversation, he just waits for her to come up with the topic. You can hear her stumbling for what to say next. She is very uncomfortable with having to carry the weight of the conversation....but we are giving her exactly what she asked for. Be careful what you ask for!
We are enjoying jerking her chain. It is just too much fun.
Now, the issue is having to deal with her brother and his fiance!
They haven't given us a set of rules like my stepdaughter has. My DH's son wants to keep in touch, and as often as possible. He is trying as best he can, but his fiance seems to be determined to stick her nose in where it doesn't belong and cause trouble. It might end up that my DH and his son will see one another once-in-a-while at a resturant - just the two of them. This might work out OK, we will see.
I sort of feel sorry for the guy, he is caught between his sister, his mother and his fiance. The guy is outnumbered by controling women! :O
When my husband and I met 7
When my husband and I met 7 years ago, he told me at first that he would never love me as much as he loved his children. They were very manipulative and even though he was only 63, they treated him like he was a helpless 85-year-old. The situation was odd and I viewed his comment as niave and really didn't take it too personally, which surprises even me today. Today, he and I are a strong couple and the narcissistic daughter and her father are now estranged and the son bangs around, feeling loyal to his sister, but returns to his relationship with dad.
I like the practical way Not-the-Mom and her husband are working with the problem and hope it doesn't get too far into game-playing. Like other's in this forum have said - where is the respect for older parents? I had to say repeatedly to my husband early in our marriage - kids fuss over the parents, not visa verse.
I would have countered the "rules" with my own - take us as we are and we won't tolerate any complaints. That's our rule. And we won't accept any thoughtless behavior or treatment. In the real world, that's the way life works - we adapt or we stay away from situations we don't like.
These were the demans that
These were the demans that both my bios and my steps demanded once they became adults. I don't know if this is a matter of reaching for their own independence and trying to steer their path ahead or if it is about control or entitlement. What I do know that it does is it creates terrible tension between the parent, bio or step, and the seperation from parent to child begins. It's a bit frustrating and they have rights to their feelings but what they need to know ios they have no right to tell their parents how to live their own lives, and that's where the boudaries have to be drawn.
Maux, love the pic! In all
Maux, love the pic! In all actuality the stress of the step family, dealing with my narcissistic ex and my husband's incredibly selfish ex, I am surprised I didn't hahve a mental break-down. I ended up on anti-depressants, I probably had a few too many drinks on occasions. Even my counselor when I started seeing her 8 months ago, said she was surprised I was even alive. I am alive but it did cost me a great deal of my health. About a month ago I was diagnosed with celiac, not based on a lab test.....based on a combination of test results, one being nerve damage. I look back now and feel that had I not so wanted to help my family and tried so hard I could have maybe saved myself. I made a huge sacrifice for kids who have no appreciation for what I did or what I have been thru.
I don't care how old they
I don't care how old they were, or if it was the bios or CTBB, if I got a list like this I'd say what op says on here, "Go git me sumfin to beat you wif"!
Yeah, I miss those days when
Yeah, I miss those days when a good beating could resolve most situations.
Nowdays we are expected to "reason" with them. 