Why is it that everyone knows what's best for me but me?
I am POed! I have been in counseling for 7 months now, doing very well. Realizing that I have surrounded myself with very narcissistic people who think they can tell me what to do, what to say, how I should feel, etc. Been doing as my counselor has advised with these people, and really have been focusing on myself trying to get myself healthy again.
I got this email today and while I liked the message in the link, this coming from one of my kids did not set well with me as again I feel like I am being judged by them.....I did not do this or that for them, blah, blah, blah. How would you take this if you got this from your adult child after years of being told I never met their standards?
***This may be too "churchy" for you, but it has a good message. I would like to be close with you like this...
http://www.crosswalk.com/faith/women/are-you-lonely.html ***
Bio dad had an affair, messed around on his second wife, could not hold a job or tell the truth if his life depended on it. We were always struggling and it was me who was trying to keep everything going and smooth out the bumps while he did his merry thing with no consideration for anyone but himself. When he filed for divorce he left the state and basically abandoned his children. When he came back in the kids' lives with the encouragement of his second wife, it was nothing but lies to try and sway the kids to make me look bad and make it look like he had reason.
But what do about hear from kids about their dad? How great he is and how he is getting his life together and on & on about how wonderful this man is. And I am flabber-gasted that I am the one in the judgement seat. It just really hits hard sometimes and today getting this email it was like another stab to the heart.
I did write her back and let
I did write her back and let her know the link was nice, which it is, and I thanked her. I got angry because I got the idea she was trying to preach at me, on in a scripture type way but in a way that she wanted to be. It was just a few months ago that I had received a long email from this daughter telling me what a terrible mom I had been. This was the daughter I had always been close to and so I was shocked to read the things she said in her email, and I have been very cautious since.
I read the article and
I read the article and focused on the last paragraph. I'm taking it as this child is looking to have a deep relationship with you. Maybe the counceling you have been having success with is showing some change in you. Could this child be seeing this change and is not sure how to handle it themselves?
It sounds as if you are still very angry and bitter over your ex husbands behavior and you have every right to be angry. I experienced the same thing with my ex. I was married to the man for 20 years and was with him for 24 years. We had three children together. I found out from his girlfriend, who was scorned, that he was screwing 5 other women at the same time. She gave me his email information and I checked out all the emails he had received from all these whores. I was pissed that he destroyed our family by his actions and that this divorce impacted my innocent children's lives.
What made me more angry was that he would have several girlfriends after the divorce. He would have the kids be in contact with the "flavor of the month" and still have several on the side. When the breakup of the "flavor" would happen, he would bring the next "flavor" into the kids lives with in a week! The kids were amazed how Dad would have so many girlfriends and where does he find them all! My two older kids were teens and knew exactly what Dad was doing.
I was the stable parent in the children's lives. I worked my ass off to keep our home for them, put one of my children thru college. He was not an involved parent at all and everything fell on my shoulders. He felt that taking his child to school in the morning (and even that was bothersome for him) and spending a total of 45 mins TOTAL a week, he should get the father of the year award!
Well now Dad has moved in with a girlfriend and two of my children are ok with him and his relationship. One child said "Dad is really straightening out his life". I know that he will never change his behavior. Matter of fact, his girlfriend once said at a "family gathering" she wanted to know why is cell phone was ringing because everyone who was important was there. She is showing signs of not trusting him.
But it's okay with me that they think their father is the best thing since sliced bread. I know what I did for my children and who was really there for them.
I decided at one point that I needed to get rid of this 230lb weight (ex's weight) off my back and move on. I had been told many times that "forgiveness is not for the offender but for the offended" and I decided to forgive my ex. For awhile I had to wake up everyday and decided to forgive him, I made a conscience decision every morning. I haven't forgotten what he did to our family but I see him in a different light. The problems he has are his issues. I have accepted him for where he is in his life and that is all he is capable of.
Doing that act of forgiveness lightened my load, free'd up my mind to devote more time and energy to other area's in my life and brought more love into my life.
Sounds like you have been working very hard with your therapist. Keep up the great work!
My story is the same as your
My story is the same as your except he fell in love with an older woman 7 years into our marriage. He did not pay child support and was put on the dead-beat dad list, state took 8 years to catch him because he kept quitting jobs to avoid support, and get this, he was only granted to pay $50 per child per month in the first place because he was uneployeed at the time of our divorce. He left me with mega bills from his failed business so I was a single mom swimming in debt and by-golly I saved my credit record and I made good on everything.
Not only this but he, the narcissist he is, went to all my friends that he know of and tried to bad mouth me, telling them lies about me and how I treated him. What this guy did was absolutely sickening. I have never expected my children not to accept him but I was the one who pour my heart and soul into the kids and had to be tough at times while Mr. Abandonment Liar comes into the picture when he chooses and plays the good guy. It is sick!
What gets me about this link thought is that only a few months ago this daughter had emailed me and told me all these terrible things about me. She and I have always been close so this broad-sided me and hurt very deeply as I always felt I could be open and honest with this daughter and then I was being criticized for the openness in our relationship so it made me question alot. She later said that she had been influenced by her father and her older sister who is daddy's worshiper. So to get the email, maybe she is trying to tell me she wants back what she had before. However, I took a big step back and I am very leary to just give out my trust again.