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Are you choosing between them or me? Really?

TXpollyanna's picture

Submitted by TXpollyanna on Tue, 10/04/2011 - 8:36pm

Forums: 
Adult Stepchildren

Here is my question?

If your adult children or step-children are coming to visit from out of town, are you being forced to choose between the spouse and the kids if you tell your kids they must include your spouse (and spouses kids) in plans when you visit?

I am interested in seeing the answers.

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Tue, 10/04/2011 - 11:20pm

I agree with goforit. You never exclude a spouse. Period. SKIDS would NEVER have a wedding and exclude the spouse of a friend they don't particularly like. They also would not exclude the spouse of ANY family member, even if they didn't like them. The only SPOUSE they seem to be allowed to exclude and people justify it, is the spouse of their parent. That is wrong. Period.

On the other hand, you can have a wedding and invite your friends and their spouse and NOT their adult children, heck, you could even exclude the children if you wanted to have a no kids wedding or party.

donna123's picture

Submitted by donna123 on Wed, 10/05/2011 - 12:39pm

Kind of a trick question.

If the kids demand that your spouse not be there, yes, THEY are negotiating a move hoping to force you to choose between your spouse and them. In other words they are being divisive. They are strategizing to position your spouse and children firmly on the outside of the family and making you complicit in that exclusion.

You as the parent asking that your spouse and kids be part of events is inclusive therefore you are NOT choosing anyone over anyone else. You are being appropriately and thoughtfully inclusive to the whole family by excluding no one.

If this is a real situation and not merely hypothetical, the kids are dishonestly attempting to mislead you by giving the appearance that it is your choice, when in reality there is no choice.