I know what I WANT to say, but just do not know how to say it.....
I am new to this site and have been reading alot of blogs. A bit of background....
Me: 47yr old, divorced for six years, 22B, 20G (on their own) 16B at home. I own my own home, have a full time job and now engaged for eight months to the most amazing man and we live together.
Fiance: Never married, 16B (who lives with us) with high school steady, 12B, 8G from a 14 yr relationship with an evil BM.
16B lives with us because his mother is a unfit and this is not a problem for me at all...he needs stability.
What is it I want to say? I do not want 12B and/or 8G to live with us full time. They are with us different days of the week, but always three days in a row, due to my fiance's rotating shift work schedule, which works very well for the whole household.
I have read alot of blogs saying "What if the ex dies, etc? We should be so lucky! That would not be a problem because then we could get these kids into some much needed counselling and not have to reprogram them when we get them every week.
I am not going live miserable and resentful just because the kids "want to live with daddy". If they came to the house black and blue, or BM was arrested or should keel over, that is a totally different story.
I love my fiance and want to spend my life with him, but I do not want to raise anymore small children. When they get to high school years and they feel the same, but all means, but I do not want kids on a full time basis.
So my question is How do I tell him this without hurting him or making me look like a selfish bitch??
I feel the world does not revolve around the kids of divorce/seperation. They will survive! It boils down to the BM needs some parenting skills, and the kids need to stop being so argumentative and manipulative. (The 12B says "Mommy got me an iphone if I told her I didn't want to live with you, but I lied"..told my fiance this)
My mother married a man when I was 10 to a man with 7 kids ages 4 to 18. All but 2 of them lived with us through the years. I know what step families are all about believe me!!
And yes, I have even thought I telling him if he really feels the kids need to be with him, he needs to do it on his own and we can just go back to "dating".......
What to say...............
Personally, I wouldn't mind
Personally, I wouldn't mind my skids living with us full time.
But, lets face it, BMs don't die - they're too evil. They'll outlive us all.
I also think would feel
I also think would feel differently if I had kids the same age of 12 & 8, like the 16yr old.....
You just say it. The earlier
You just say it. The earlier the better. There is nothing wrong with this either. You've raised your children.
Be gentle, but be honest.
Agree with the comments
Agree with the comments above.
I am like you. My daughter is 29. Happy and independent.
His kids are 11 and 14. Love them I really do, as much as you can love someone with the depth of 2 1/2 yrs.
But I have told my SO. Unless "Crazo" dies the kids are not living with us. She has residential custody. So they are with her more than us. She is crazy and out of control. They talk back to her and do not do what she ask. She has no control. Now they do not act like that with us...but you know what the teenage years are like. If you do not have control now... you will not then.
I do not want the I'm mad at mom so I am going to live at dad's.... My SO is great he understands that it would be hurtful to his kids to play that game even though Crazo is so unstable.
He agreed and said even though it would be hard for him to tell them no but he does understand that playing the mom-against dad and vice versa is destructive to everyone.
Be honest, and let him know you have been there done that and do not want to be involved in a scenario where you really have little control and truthfully only a voice through him.
It it is better to be honest, and find out where you stand.
I would have another think
I would have another think about the situation, if I were you. Seriously, your step situation placed you as a sibling and not the authority figure. We got SKids when they were 10 (twins) and it was a natural course of events, given that their mother is a total psycho. They were almost impossible to deal with, had delinquent behaviors and currently SD is in juvenile detention and SS moved out 'he's the MAN' and it's hell on wheels! I love them dearly and I would not even contemplate trying to change things. I let daddy dearest do his thing with them, NO ONE liked that I had values and would like some decent codes of conduct in our house! I am the baddie! Well, We are still happily married and SKids survived to become 18 and now DH is seeing the 'other side' of them that I saw way back. No use saying 'I told you so' but they are of age now and we are not responsible for them, or their #u@k ups!
I can actually look back and chuckle about some of the stunts SD pulled in her early, very early, teen years!
Well first of all would BM
Well first of all would BM "allow" the skids to move in with you? Doesn't sound like she is up for that. Just becuase the kids want to move in does not mean it's going to happen. A just becuase they tell a judge they want to live with "so-and-so" doesn't mean it's going to happen either.
Oh, she would love for them
Oh, she would love for them to live with us and not her...when my fiance was there she could not wait for him to get home so she could go out and do whatever and come home whenever she wanted to...loves to party (drink, smoke, etc). The kids would say "good mommy's gone"). She just wants them due to the 800 bucks a month she is getting for CS.
The kids have not been diagnosed but I believe they both suffer from ODD (Oppositional Defient Disorder). The symptoms fit these kids to a T! I had a talk with my fiance about this too, he blames himself for the way they are........again the guilty dad syndrome. He is always saying "I do not want my kids to go back to BM mad at me." I have told him "you are not their friend, you are their father"....too mad if they are disappointed or do not get their way......that is alot of the problem with these kids......they do not want for anything!!
Our BM would have no problems
Our BM would have no problems with SD being wtih us to EXCEPT for the loss of the CS money. And I know NO MATTER what she CANNOT live without that. She will have a very hard time when SD turns 18 and gradutes. But until then she will fight tooth and nail to keep that money and do whatever it takes to keep it and if possible get more. If BM doesn't want to lose the money then she will make sure to keep the kids.
This is a tough one; a very
This is a tough one; a very touchy situation. I have 3 bio's and 1 SD14 - 2 years ago she came to live w/ us.
when she was young her and I got along well; then when she started getting older - she started to pin DH and I against each other (all kids do this - I know). I was able to suffer through all the weekends just fine; becasue she was able to be "fake" for 2 days. Then she came to live w/ us. the part that pisses me off is that DH and BM talked about it and kind of just let me know about their decision!! Not that I expected DH to turn his daughter away but STILL!! Don't you think that talking to me - the women that is going to be raising you child - about it would have been the nice thing to do??? This is what made me hate the idea from the start!! Unless you live in fantasy land - raising kids is hard - harder if they are SK. Just talk w/ him about it - trust me! If you hid how you feel now - you will resent your life.
HBell.......Exactly! I feel
HBell.......Exactly! I feel like I have no say in this matter......even with the 16yr old, we really did not discuss the matter, but I knew that was a given..he needed to come with us...he has been with my fiance since he was 8 yrs old, but for his education reasons, had to live with his BM.
I am always hearing from my fiance "He/they want to live with me, or he/she told evil that they want to live with daddy"......the other day I corrected him and said, Uh no, it would be live with US....he said "O yeah yeah babe, you are right, it's US." HELLO!!
If you do just give and
If you do just give and suffice to this; it will take a wrong turn the whole way DOWN! My SD14 thought she ran my house for the first year or so. She would come in w/ 5 or so of her friends and walk right past me; she would just come and go as she pleased. She would sit at the table and it would only be......Dad guess what; or dad can I do this...dad, dad, dad! It was unreal!! DH didn't even do anything; until I began to pack up myself and the three kids - THAT woke him up. That whole year of me suffering and hating my life could have been avoided if I just said how I felt. As stupid as some of the things may be - they are still your feelings!! And plus - isn't it "your" home??
HBell...Yes it is
HBell...Yes it is "HOME"...but that seems to be not taken into consideration. I have made all the kids bedrooms and decorated the SD room to the hilt. It is not that I do not want them here, just not on a full time basis. I admit too, they are not easy kids..always yelling, complaining, arguing etc....my kids are not perfect, but they did not act like this at this age at all!
I almost want to tell my fiance, "you need this house (5 bedroom) more than I do, you stay at the house with your three kids, and me and my 17yr old will go find an apartment and see what happens with our relationship....I am totally serious with this idea.
All I know is I do not want a 12 and 8 yr old living full time in my home......period.
So how do I open this up for discussion?