NEW STEP-PARENT
HELP, I am in desperate need of guidance to help me deal with my step daughter's behavior and my her father's lack of appropriate parenting.
My step-daughter (I'll call her Amy) is 14 years old, same age as my oldest daughter. Amy just recently moved in with us to attend highschool. We have since had multiple behavioral issues, including disrespect, outright defiance, lying and much much more...
Her father means well however he is way to relaxed and lets her walk all over him, me and everyone else in the household. When I try to talk to him about it he becomes defensive and then justs shuts down. I realize that there is a period of adjustment for all involved but I also feel that there are boudaries that must be set, rules that must be inforced equally for all the children in order for us to be a successful blended family. Amy needs to know she is a part of this family through all aspects including expectations of appropriate behavior.
I find myself getting increasingly angry and resentful due to Amy's behavior and the lack of consequences for those behaviors. Im tired of fighting with her father and the strain and toll it has begun to take on our relationship.
Please if anyone has any guidance, tips or insight it would be most apperciated.
Flannery :O
Of course everything you say
Of course everything you say is correct, but its not going to happen without DH on board.
Search out disney dad and guilty dad. You will see that there isn't much you can do but step back and let your DH handle his daughter. You stepping in and him doing nothing makes you look like bad guy. Its not worth fighting about all the time.
You probably aren't ready to
You probably aren't ready to hear or accept this yet, but: New stepmoms, the most important skill you can learn is "SHUT MOUTH... KEEP OPINIONS TO SELF" where his children are concerned. (My blog entries have some details from my journey to this point.)
You will see it over and over on this site: You are not the child's parent. Don't parent. Let him do it. You need to disengage from the parenting or you are going to put your relationship in danger. Daddy is going to feel like he has to protect his little girl from you. Even if Daddy says he wants you to parent or discipline; even if he knows on an intellectual level that you should be fully involved and should not have to put up with crap... his emotions will kick in, and you WILL be punished for going up against his princess.
To me, that doesn't mean that you ignore the SK or treat SK badly; just think of yourself as a caregiver who is NOT the one responsible for discipline. It doesn't mean the SK is a bad kid, or that DH is a bad dad. It's just reality.
I would say the best way to deal with SD's behavior is ignore it, and don't let it show that it bothers you. You can make calm, rational decisions like saying "You have not been very respectful to me today, so I won't be making time to drive you to ballet. You will need to call your dad for that." Or similar solutions. "You didn't help with the chores, so I don't have time to help with your homework."
Oh, and bookmark this site.
Good luck...
Thank you so much for all
Thank you so much for all your advice!
But how do I disengage myself, step back from the parenting role and manage to keep my cool?
DH and I both have teenage daughters, both of which butt heads constantly, feel threatened and displaced by one another. How do I step back (and stay quiet) while SK walks all over us all, including my daughters, my household ect..
Don't get me wrong, my teenage daughter is far from perfect. She acts up, gets out of line and treats her step-sister, step dad badly at times. And as a result, she is diciplined accordingly. Unfortantly though, when the tables are turned- seems that my SK gets the "slap on the wrist" rather than a true consequence for her actions.
Another example: Last year My DD was found breaking internet rules, she and a friend had created a fake FB account. This was far from within the internet rules as DD new. She was subsequently grounded, laptop and smart phone taken away x 1 week as well as forced to remove the account. Just as I did prior- she has no privacy when it comes to internet usage or FB and Myspace accounts. I have all her usernames and passwords and check them often.
Now my SK is a completely different story-
Just last week, I stumbled across an open account on one of those sleazy internet dating sites just minutes after SK had borrowed my phone. When DH got home, I brought the issue up and we spoke about it at length. The conversation went well I thought. He stated he would be taking care of it. A few days pass and I find the site (and open account) on my phone again, right after SK had asked to use it. I speak to DH again. This time it doesn't go so well, we end up in a agruement, with of course me coming off as the evil step mother.
DH has a talk with his daughter AGAIN. SHe got the usual slap on the wrist. And what do think happens not even an hour later? SK is back on this sleazy site AGAIN..only this time from her personal laptop computer. I just happened to still have had the "page" open from her last visit through MY phone and was able to refresh the site and see her updated account.
Several fights with DH later and she now has had her internet prileges revoked, her personal laptop taken away and shes never touching my phone again..
We oviously have very different views on how to deal with defiance and teenagers. When it was just the 4 of us (DH, myself and my two daughters) we had it figured out. Now that DH's teenage daughter has moved in, seems we are not just on a different page, but a completely different book altogether...
I have to raise my kids as I see fit, discipline them as I feel is needed. But here I have my DH who has a whole other set of rules for his daughter. What do I say to my DD when she is diciplined and then her step sister is not?
I love my family, I love both my kids and my SK with all my heart, but I am beginning to see a disaster in the making if we don't figure this out and quick.