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I feel like 2nd best. =(

FindingPeace's picture

Submitted by FindingPeace on Sat, 08/20/2011 - 9:36pm

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Am I the only one to feel this way?!

Background:

My hubby's ex wife wanted the marriage over. He moved out and was devastated. He put himself in counseling and BEGGED her to change her mind. Of course, she didn't. He and I met about 5 months or so after he had moved out. We clicked from the beginning and he's the best husband any woman could ask for. The ex has been horrible to us the whole time (I think worse since I met and married him 3 years ago).....hello GUILT! I feel terrible for that but I didn't do anything but just show up in his life.

He has 3 girls with his ex (and I have 2 girls from a prev. marriage as well - they all get along GREAT!)

The problem I have is this - I feel like 2nd best. The ex is so much skinnier than me, has more years and experiences with him. I guess I feel jealous too. He's "fixed" and was so adamant about no more babies and I REALLY wanted to share that with him - now he's agreed to get reversed and have a baby because he feels pressured and he didn't want it to end our marriage. (I would never leave) but he also said he saw how sad the whole thing made me. I keep telling him I feel robbed of that "first" happiness because he got to share that YAY we're having a baby with HER and with me its' like well he's done this before and I "pressured" him into it. He's says he'll love to share a baby with me, but yea, why use the word pressure, maybe could have kept that part to himself.

Gah - it's late and I am tired and this doesnt make sense. I guess I just feel like sloppy seconds (He always says I am NOT second best, but the second BETTER chapter of his life) I always wonder if he secretly compares me to her, or wishes I was like her. Or I wonder if I would still feel this way if HE left HER......I dont know.....my mind is so full of crap all the time. It's awful and I can't even really explain what I really mean. I just wish I could get these negative thoughts out of my head.

Sorry if this doesnt make sense.

I just wish he would have all his "firsts" with me. Sad

qtpie568's picture

Submitted by qtpie568 on Sat, 08/20/2011 - 10:20pm

It's normal to feel this way in any relationship where one party has had so much experience with someone else. You weren't his first at all these things, but take comfort in the fact that he wants you to be his last. You are the one comparing yourself with her. He loves YOU. He WANTS you. That is what matters most. If you weren't the one that he wanted to be with, then he wouldn't be with you. Bottom line end of it. He's not out searching for someone like his ex. Instead he is making a life with you, the woman that he is in love with and wants to spend the rest of his life with.

Insecurites can break a marriage and a person. Look at yourself and who you are. Be happy that you have found someone you love so much. And enjoy something that many people may spend their entire lives and never find.

It's impossible to give someone else the love they deserve without first giving yourself the love that you deserve.

Best of luck!!

godess-clueless's picture

Submitted by godess-clueless on Sat, 08/20/2011 - 10:54pm

There was a quote I remember seeing from someone on my facebook. "I may not have been your first choice but I was your BEST choice" There are reasons first marriages often times do not work out. They were poor choices made when young.

ladyfosho's picture

Submitted by ladyfosho on Sun, 08/21/2011 - 11:43am

Amen! And if I remember correctly, in elementary school, "first is the worst, second is the best" Smile

Redsonya's picture

Submitted by Redsonya on Tue, 08/23/2011 - 2:24am

I really struggle with this too. I have one daughter with my first husband who passed away. I was married a bit older (26) and my first DH was diagnosed with terminal cancer when I was four months pregnant and passed away two months later. I had my mom, aunt, and sister with me when I had my baby, but I really feel like I missed out on that whole husband/wife experience.

DH is "fixed" too and had two kids with his ex (they were married at 20), plus was helping her raise her nephew. He says that he'd get it reversed if I really want another baby, but I know he doesn't want one. He keeps saying that 4 kids is enough, which drives me nuts because I keep reminding him that I shouldn't be told we have too many kids when one of them is his ex's nephew and he doesn't even have guardianship of him.

BM has made a couple comments to me about how the two of them "made a family together" as though they still have that family and my DD and I are just some how along for the ride or a substitute to keep DH busy while BM screws half of the town. Then if she doesn't find anyone better, she'll just step right back into "their family".

Sometimes I feel like I should move on just for this reason - I am 36 and have limited years left to have a baby. I love him, but is it enough to say that I'll never have that kind of experience with my husband and feel like we are a "real" family?