As the new stepmom I was told by my therapist NEVER to say how you feel about the stepkid to their dad???????? Any experience?
Seems like anytime my feelings get hurt or I feel dismissed or disrespected by the step daughter it starts a fight with her dad, my husband. I am NO kids and have never been married! Even though what I am saying could ber true. My husband many times will say his daughter is a bitch and a spoiled brat. Yet, she did not get up to speak to me when she spent with her dad for her 1 hr visit here at the house. Really, she was dropped off and she needed a ride to her car (1 1/2 hr round trip) He said if he was fine with it , it should not matter to me. That she only comes 2 - 3 times a year. She happened to be in our town we live in for a wedding. So she did not come just to see us. His daughter is 24. Does have a full time job , she lives 3 hrs. away, but of course he supplements to pay her rent, cell phone etc....In fact the girl calls her mom on the way to work EVERY DAY and it's the last call of the night. Her birth mom. I was told by a therapist, that she feels if she has too much of a relationship with me that she is being dis loyal to her birth mom....so I don't even get the repect of her getting up when I walk into the room to get a hug or a hello.....just seems like I should get to voice my opinion to her dad.....HELP
This isn't a lot of
This isn't a lot of information, but based on what I understood, I would say that SD being 24, maybe you could voice your opinion to her, particularly if talking to your husband does not help. Ideally you should be able to talk about anything with him, but that does not seem to be the case. At least you only see her about 3 times a year....As far as being greeted, you should get the respect of a greeting, but a hug is more than a show of respect, and that can't really be expected or demanded.
Men can get very defensive, depending how we approach the issues. Maybe the therapist can help you find a way to be heard, without eliciting defensive responses on his part.
thumbs up! Maybe giving her
thumbs up!
Maybe giving her some alone time with her dad might help her too! It might show her you are not a threat to their relationship and build trust with her.
what worked for me is I told
what worked for me is I told my DH I loved his son (huge lie) but could not stand his behavior. This opened the lines of communication and my husbands eyes cuz I was not longer seen as hating his demon spawn
How about changing your
How about changing your therapist and getting someone who understands/specializes in matters of blended families. This skid simply has no manners, or common courtesy. I'm sorry. Disengage and it will hurt less. For what it's worth, you're lucky she only comes around 3x a year. The other problem is how your DH handles the matter and doesn't realize how simply impolite his kid is by not even saying hello. Whilst it's more difficult to just change Hs or skids, it's easier to find a qualified therapist who can give you the tools to deal with rude individuals. Good luck.
When she's coming, make plans
When she's coming, make plans and leave. If she cannot be civil in your home, your DH is not a very nice person either. If anyone disrespected my husband in our home, I would kick their behind OUT!
My skids are teens and their
My skids are teens and their father has NO desire to hear anything negative about them - period. The fact that 2 of them are literally failing out of school, that they refuse to pick up after themselves and are materialistic little snobs is apparently to be accepted as part of their "charm." I have been told on many occassions by him that I need to "focus on the positive." The negative is to be ignored unless I want a fight on my hands - because that means that I "hate them."
I spent the last weekend alone with the girls while he took the boy on a trip. When he returned he asked how it went and, in an effort to demonstarte how silly his attitude is, I said that it went well for the most part and that I would tell him the good parts but not the bad because he did not want to know about them. His response? "Thank you, honey" and a kiss. UNREAL....
I wouldn't do a thing for
I wouldn't do a thing for those kids or him when came to his kids meaning do not watch them for him. Let him deal with his kids. DISENGAGE you worry about yourself and have plans when he needs you watch his kids. Do not cook or clean for them or take them anywhere or buy them anything pretend they do not exist. It will one of 2 things either your dh will see what you are talking about and change or he will pretend their bad behavior doesn't exist either way you don't have to deal with them.
Oh and get a new therapist!
Oh and get a new therapist! That is a quake!
I went through this w/SD but
I went through this w/SD but it was worse because she lived with us. I would speak, and she wouldn't open her mouth or would mumble something. But when she was on her call phone, she spoke so loudly people down the street could hear her.
It was rude and disrespectful, so I confronted DH about it and I'll be honest, I called her some nasty names. He got on her about it. After various episodes of dealing with this and her other antics, I disengaged entirely. So speaking became our only interaction for the most part.
Thank your lucky stars she doesn't live with you.
I think your therapist is
I think your therapist is talking codswallop, to put it politely. I used to be a relationship counsellor and I would never tell this rubbish to someone. If there are things that bug you about the SDs behaviour, then your DH should be the one to tackle it. He and the bio mom are the ones who have most influence on how you are regarded and treated by your SD.
If you feel like tackling her directly, and your DH is in agreement - go for it, but if not, your DH should address these rudeness issues with her.
After years of tiffs about
After years of tiffs about the skids, I realized that DH didn't need me to tell him that they were rude & irresponsible. He knew they were flunking school. He knew they were likely to cancel plans to visit at the last minute. He knew they would only stay long enough to collect gifts and enjoy our paying for a meal out or fun activity.
I finally learned to bite my tongue and remember the old story about "killing the messenger". Now I let him bring up the latest about skids (which usually involves they asking for $$) that way he is not put in the position of defending them. DH is a smart man and knows when he is being used. Of course now that they are grown and visit less often it is easier to do this.
Very similar, still have
Very similar, still have hope. SD is now in a secure juvenile detention center, there was the gamut of evaluations and counselling etc. with the judge ordering them.
One, dear, heaven sent, counsellor gave me some great advice.
One thing she said that made great sense to me was to advise to dissengage when conflict arose, after all they really are not my kids. She made me aware that I did not create the situation, and kids will grow up regardless. She was absolutely right, I stopped allowing SD to push my buttons, previously we'd quarrelled and I realized that I had the power not to be drawn in. That said, and done, I stopped dealing with their issues and referred them to DH, who seemed to think that I was imagining things and they were just kids...who should be allowed a childhood after all.
The counsellor also reminded me of the old 'plant the seed' trick, bless her. I am not a manipulative person but this situation called for it. Three weeks, she said, is how long the seed of the idea takes to germinate...sure enough!
DH then found himself on the receiving end of all the crap I was dealing with and he saw a glimmer of the 'light' there. SKids pretty soon got sick of me not being amenable to their demands too...I was an evil B!T@# for a while, I can live with that so I just sat back...knowing I was doing what I really should have done all along.
I have a life and interests of my own to pursue and, bonus, more free time!
BM was the last hurdle, I see where the SKids get their entitled attitudes and behaviors from. That's now been cleared.
It took years for the situation to get as bad as it did, 10 years before I came on the scene, and it takes time to undo the damage too, it's been 7 years.
I read somewhere that it takes on average 7 years for a family to blend...cannot remember where, though, but it rang true with me.
SD17 is now doing some introspection and her and I are closer than we've ever been...we sometimes joke about the stunts she pulled in the past. Things do pass, I flat out decided that I will not allow this crap to get the better of me any longer. I liked the quote about 'killing the messenger' I identify with that one!
How do you get good at biting
How do you get good at biting your tongue? It's just so hard when I see she hurts my husband so. That's what is so upsetting...He says I am always the one that says somwthing when she leaves....that I only see the negative.....trust me, there is not much positive...she works her dad for cash or when she needs help. Mainly texts no phone. Her BM is the last person she talks to each night and first thing in the am....so I know on some level she feels disloyal if she gets too close to me...I let her have 2 -3 visits with her dad without me...that way she see's that it's not about me and that I don't have a problem with her dad just visiting without me...yet I don't want her to get jused to the idea that I am never around....for my husband I cook the turkey and all the fixins so we can attempt to have a good family get to gather...yet she eats 2 bites, only says thankyou when proded by her dad.....FOur years ago when we first got married she purposly had my husbands sons wedding shower when we were on vacation so both of us could not come...yet my husband paid for the reherseal dinner? What? so I must say I have never been included in either of the SD or SS life...by the way SS is not my husband bio...my husband adopted him at 4...mom has her emtional strings on the son and he doesn't talk to my husband at all. SO my husband's point is his daughter is the only thing he has...seemes to me he takes whatever crumb he can get.....
When you find the answer,
When you find the answer, please let me know too! My FH also is instantly angry at any suggestion that his "holy trinity" of teens are not perfect angels. He gives lip-service to the idea that they have "problems" but god forbid I actually mention what they are!
He has expressly told me to "focus on the positive and ignore the negatives" regarding them. It makes for very short conversations......
My dh has told me the same "I
My dh has told me the same "I want to be positive and not bring up the negatives all the time". Hence, I no longer speak about ss at all nor does he.
I found that if I am very
I found that if I am very casual w/my SD20, almost ignore her really, she wants to be closer to me - but if I get all excited about seeing her she blows me off. Go figure.
Just come in the room and if SD doesn't speak to you, don't speak to her either. Treat her how she treats you.
If your DH questions you, just explain that is what you are following Sd's example and if he wants anything different to happen he needs to teach his kid better manners.