This trip was the most difficult time of my life. I have survived eating disorders, attempted suicides, robbery, car accidents, even war but this trip made me want to end it all!!

As I have said in a previous post, I think I realized why I don't like or cannot bond with SD. This trip was another eye opener! SIL, SIL's DH, DH, and I were drinking one night to the point that we were all sick. We started talking about things, SIL just recently became a SM as well, so she and I were trading war tales. While we were talking something cam out that I think I had suppressed on purpose but came out that night. When DH & I first started dating he said something that really hurt me but I never really thought about it because it wasn't applicable. He said that if I would have had kids from any previous relationship he would've never even given me a second look. He said that he didn't want to deal with other people's kids, especially because it would be a constant reminder of the other person.

I guess this never really applied because I only took care of SD for a week or two during summer and holidays, but now that she is living with us it is creating a lot of hatred towards DH and his family. One of DH's aunts is the only one that understands my frustrations, but she lives too far for me to be able to sit and vent other than that every one else expects me to assimilate and treat her as my own. They want me to baby her the way BM does or how I do with BS4. I just can't!!

I don't think I have told this to too many people, but I am really hurt right now, especially since the memory is so vivid I can tell you where we were, what we were wearing and what we were doing. I just don't know what to do, should I talk to him, it is too late to bring it up? Should I just let it go? I mean, things were going great until this trip when his family was telling how to act towards SD. It almost felt like a slap in the face because I didn't feel that I was doing anything different, I still don't yell at her, she still doesn't have any chores, and I give her as much as I do BS. I am lost, and what is worse... my depression is getting the best of me. I am always tired, I don't want to do anything, I just want to be locked in my room in the dark!