Any of this sound familiar?
So after several increasingly miserable weekends with SD, last night I finally initiated what I hoped would be a calm, constructive conversation about how SO and I could improve the situation.
I brought up some behaviors and examples of how SD6 has been acting like she doesn’t like me and is disrespectful to me. I asked if we could find a way to get to the bottom of this and maybe fix it. Since she did seem to like me previously, I thought maybe some event or misunderstanding happened that caused the change.
What did he take out of it? “I know, I know- you hate SD!”
What? I didn’t even begin to broach the unpleasant and annoying things about her. He twists any single thing I say into “you hate SD”.
He then entered defensive mode: she’s been through a lot, her mother doesn’t teach her how to act right, etc.
My mind wandered and I wondered in how many other StepTalkers’ homes this same exact conversation had been played out.
Then he has the brilliant idea that he’ll just demand she respect me. Um yeah, that’s going to suddenly make a 6 year old like me. Great idea. Fortunately I talked him out of that.
In a nutshell, SO communicates about feelings like a bull in china shop. He’s a sweet, wonderful guy, but he just sucks at communication.
We left it that if an opportunity came up for him to gently discuss if something is bothering her, he will try to find out what it is.
Oh, then he wondered given the horrible things BM says about me to him, there’s no telling what she tells SD. Really? And thanks for allowing BM to say those things to you, SO, I so appreciate that.
Since it seemed like we were getting nowhere (again), I did let him know to not expect me to be around much when she is over- that I wasn’t going to help with her or try to do things with her anymore. He popped off in his hyper-reactionary style and said fine he will never allow his kids over again. No, that is not what I said. That is not practical, I told him. He said he can just take them to the park or something. So you’re going to sleep and eat and relax and go to the bathroom there, I asked him. I’ll figure something out, he said. I said that we’d never see each other on the weekends then. And he said, “well isn’t that what you want?” NOOOO. I know that man can hear what I say, but he certainly doesn’t listen.
Does any of this sound familiar to anyone? Statistically speaking, I just can’t believe that every single person on this website that has this, or similar, conversation is wrong. Could we be?
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That's it! Why can they not
That's it! Why can they not own their own crap? It makes it impossible to make any progress if all they do is get defensive...
Mama-althea...I have to
Mama-althea...I have to wonder if my fiance has a secret life and is also your SO!! They are twins! I don't know if I should laugh about it or cry because these men are all the same. He only listens to me long enough to find out if I am talking about sex or sports or paying him some random compliment. If none of those are coming out of my mouth, he closes of his ears and brain and resorts to his two very predictable response patterns. I may have an excellent suggestion that will benefit him or skid or us as a couple, but will he hear it? Nooooooo. I may have something to say that will help him to understand me better and ultimately improve our relationship, but does he hear it? Nooooooo. All his two track brain registers is either 1) she is criticizing me or 2) she is criticizing my perfect child. That's it! His response to number 1 is the black and white response which I see your SO also exhibits. For example, if I want affection other than a crude sexual come on and try to explain that intimacy is more that a quick screw, I hear...fine, I will never desire you again! or fine, we will never have sex again. Its so predictable I can't stand it. Your SO is just the same. The part about him sleeping in the park with skid made me laugh. I could hear my fiance and me having the identical talk. So black and white. Do they realize how dumb they end up sounding? I love your response..are you going to go to the bathroom there and eat there?, and he can't let it go...Yes, I am. I will figure it out. Sure you will Einstein. Hope there aren't any bears where you live. Fine, I will never------fill in the blank-----again. Does he ever stop to think that black and white thinking totally shuts down any communication? Maybe that is the point for them. Whatever it takes to shut us up. In response to number 2, when I say anything (and I mean anything) about his kid, or even the ex he resorts to reaction pattern 2. You hate my child!!! Yes, exactly the same as your SO. I say, don't you think your 12 year old boy should go to bed before midnight? Oh, you hate my child and don't want him around. I say, don't you think your 12 year old boy should be able to tie his own shoes? He says, why do you hate him? I say, don't you think it might be best for skid to learn how to go to bed without being tucked in by you and without his stuffed animal so that he is more on track with his peers? I hear, I have to be a father, why are you so selfish? I say I would like some quality adult time at night and I hear, you want me to abandon my child! Oh gag me already. Don't you hate it? Doesn't it make your skin crawl? I am really starting to think all of my well thought out ideas and attempts at communication are just so much wasted air. He is oblivious. Its just like that cartoon about what a dog really hears when its owner speaks. blah blah blah treat blah blah blah blah walk. What a man really hears when we talk...blah blah blah you hate me blah blah blah you hate my kid.
forever- substitute cars for
forever- substitute cars for sports, and we do have the same SO. And I know exactly the cartoon you're talking about lol.
Thanks...your Reactions Patterns #1 and #2 helped me organize my thoughts a little...you know, in case I'm stupid enough to try this again.
I think this must be all SO
I think this must be all SO men. At the start of my relationship I tried to get along with his kids. But things didn't go well. When I tried to talk to him he mostly tuned out and if I kept at it he would fall into the predictable male over reaction you described. So finally I said fine, kids and me are totally seperate. And I meant it and stuck to. Recently he moved in with me and I was clear that HE was moving in not his kids, and he would have to continue to see them else where. He listens a little closer now.