I've had words with my dh tonight and feel bad about it. My 3 ss's live with us full time, with bm getting regular contact. They're not bad kids, but have certain behaviours and habits which I find very irritating and hard to live with. Dh is normally good at discipline and doesn't take any crap from them, and their behaviour has improved a lot in the last couple of years as it used to be appalling. At the moment he stays at home while I work, and is supposed to take care of the house/chores etc, but lately he hasn't been feeling too well and is spending most of his days sleeping while the kids are at school. I've taken some of the load off him and do most of the shopping and cooking and we share laundry duties, but when it comes to cleaning up his kids' mess I really don't see why I should do it when he's at home all day supposedly looking after them and the house. I know he's not well but I feel so resentful that he can sleep through the day if he wants to - I'm diabetic, have depression and not in the best of health myself but I can't just have a nap when I don't feel great as I have to work. I'm sick of finding skids little messes everywhere - fruit peel and other food debris dropped wherever they happened to be sitting, toothpaste spit all over the bathroom sink, tons of dirty cups and plates in their rooms, their shoes, coats and other crap thrown everywhere. These kids are 7, 9 and 14 so not babies and perfectly capable of cleaning up after themselves, but dh seems oblivious to it all most of the time, not telling them frequently enough or firmly enough to tidy up, nor making much effort to do it himself.

This has been bugging me for weeks, but the final straw tonight was opening the boot of dh's car to load my shopping, only to find it covered in mud and SS14's filthy, muddy camping gear from the weekend. I was furious that SS14 had left the car in that state and that dh hadn't chased him to clean up his mess, specially as we're getting rid of my car soon due to finances and will be sharing dh's car. Needless to say I don't expect to find crap like that every time I use the car, so I told dh to do something about it. He went off and cleaned the car.

I've talked to him about mess before, and he does well for a few days at pushing them to tidy up their things and he'll do a big clean up, but then he sits back and lets things slide so it builds up again. I'm sick and tired of telling him the same things every few weeks and I'm starting to feel like I'm banging my head against the wall!

DH is also not happy that I said I didn't want responsibility for SS14 if he takes the other 2 away for a few days. he normally takes the kids to visit his family every summer 250 miles away, but SS14 doesn't want to go this time as he finds it boring and would rather stay at home and see his friends. DH suggested leaving him at home with me as he's loud, knows it all and bullies the younger 2 all the time which means dh, ss7 and ss9 have a miserable holiday because SS14 is so irritating, specially if he's bored. I had serious reservations about this as I don't want to be responsible for him - he was stupid enough to get into a random stranger's car who offered him a lift at the weekend, he's done other stupid things in the past and I don't want the responsibility. Dh says he'll have to go with them, which is a relief for me but I feel bad because he'll be a total pain in the butt and ruin everyone's holiday.

It's difficult to talk to dh about any of this as he's having therapy for social phobia and serious self esteem problems, so anything which sounds like criticism to him sets him back and makes him feel like a failure. But on the other hand I have to look after myself and keep my own stress levels down. I've had a lot of stress already this year with my mother battling cancer, my bd19 being ill and problems at work, all of which have made my own health suffer. So I feel guilty because to try and reduce my own stress, I have to cause him stress and make him feel bad. After we talked earlier, he said I'd opened his eyes to what a pathetic waste of space he really is. He's not one to feel sorry for himself or try to manipulate people, and I believe that's how he truly feels about himself. It makes me feel guilty but at the same time something had to be said. I just hope this really has made him think about things and that he'll make a proper effort this time. The last thing I want is for him to feel like a failure - he's a wonderful guy and I love him very much. All I want is for him to step up and start handling the kids better. He's already got some good rules in place, all he needs to do is go a bit further and be more vigilant. He's finally getting some tests done at the doctor's after months of me pushing him, so hopefully they'll find out what's causing him to feel so tired.

So bearing in mind that he's not well and has confidence issues, does anyone think I'm unreasonable in pushing him to be firmer and more vigilant with his kids, or should I leave off until he's feeling better?