Having a Rough Patch & FSD3 isn't helping...
Disclaimer: I've had 3 hours' sleep today and it was a rough week at work. While I'm glad for sound relationship advice, please, please, please don't tell me to cut and run. I've already ruled that out for the time being and I've never been a big believer in burning before pillaging.
FDH is a bottler and this week, he exploded all over me in a late night phone call that ended with me forcing him off the phone because I refuse to continue arguments after 1AM. In an effort to patch things up, I spent two hours in traffic driving to his brother's house for a party while FMIL watched FSD3. He then picked up FSD3 and brought her back to his apartment where I met them to settle down for the night with some makeup sex.
Only FSD3 didn't want to sleep. Apparently FMIL gave her a four hour nap in the middle of the freaking day and fed her dinner at 3pm when she woke up. So OF COURSE the child was wide awake at 3:30AM throwing tantrums and demanding attention. FDH is a practiced parent to the point where he can hop out of bed, put on a cartoon or fix up a glass of milk and then just come back to bed and resume sleep.
But I was up. ALL NIGHT LONG. And she kept getting up and screaming for him every 45 minutes. Sometimes he'd sleep through it and FSD3 would decide she didn't really need him... But then she'd come hammer on the door 30 minutes later, crying for him to come sleep with her on the couch in the living room. Or she'd be thirsty -- he'd give her water and she'd tantrum because she wanted chocolate milk. Around 6AM, after she'd gone to the bathroom twice with no assistance, she decided FDH simply HAD to help her go potty for a third time.
Then, finally, finally, she goes down for an early morning nap.
I did my best. I TRIED to sleep through it. I tried to read myself to sleep. I practiced meditation. I even woke FDH up at 8am for adult time which I hoped would drive me into exhausted sleep...
But no. Mid-adult moment, FSD3 woke up again and began hammering on the door, shrieking, "I can HEAR you BREATHING, Daddy. OPEN THE DOOR." (It was actually ME breathing, but still...)
I did my best even then. I rallied for breakfast. Provided moral support when FDH had to hold FSD3 down for her eye drops. Put on a movie for her.
And then got the hell out of there and spent the whole day thinking, "I can't do this. I want space. I want to starve him of my affection for an entire month, making him miss me so bad, he comes to me on his knees bearing flowers..."
But even as I played out that childish fantasy, somewhere in the back of my mind, I kept thinking, "You know you can't pull the space card in this relationship, ever. FSD3 wouldn't understand at all. And even though you've been there for about as long as she has memories, she'll forget all about you in a year if I cut ties now. So in order to spare this kid needless adult drama, you should NEVER consider any kind of separation unless the relationship is really over."
And it's not over. Not right now. Because we haven't even really explored the reason for the fight yet -- that he's a bottler and I'm never going to change.
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Comments
She'll get over it far sooner
She'll get over it far sooner than a year. You overstestimate your worth. If you backed off for a month-she'd probably shrug her shoulders and never give it another thought. In a couple of months, you'd be a distant memory-especially if he finds some other nice woman to spoil her then she'd forget you much sooner than that.
^this!^ My SD was a shocking
^this!^
My SD was a shocking lil cow to get to bed when I was first on the scene but after I spoke with FDH(who didn't know how to deal with it) and did as the above post she got over it! THANK GOD!
Waking from a nap at 3:00pm,
Waking from a nap at 3:00pm, should not have resulted in her being up most of the night. Who the heck sleeps while their 3 year old is up screaming for hours. Why was the child sleeping on a couch instead of her own bed? Dad dropped the ball on this one.
Oh you poor girl! I had the
Oh you poor girl! I had the screaming night mare of a SD....at 3 1/2-4 1/2 she was a HUGE PIA!! She would demand to sleep with her 'Daaaaddddyyyyyyy'.... Then at night when FDH was at work she would SCREAM at the top of her lungs!!!!! FOR HOURS!! After the first tie or two I ignored her...put her back to bed EVER time she got out...SILENTLY...After a while her own Bio Brother went in and SCREAM his HEAD off at her to STOP SCREAMING! Then she would scream "I dont want to scream!!" It was a JOKE!! She "saved" this screaming behavior for the nights that I was home alone with her and the other kids....NEVER when DOD was home....It was maddening.....BUT I FINALLY WON THE BATTLE! It really was a battle of wills with her...I didnt give in or budge...IF she wanted to SCREAM her head off she did it in HER bed...with the door closed and the night lite on....The screaming fits really only lasted a few weeks but it felt like a life time....
Unfortunately this was just the beginning of the HEll~O I have gone through with this skid!! She is the most manipulative kid I have EVER EVER met in my life!! She has never had limits other than from me...I HIGHLY suggest that you get some StepMom books...and read them all!! I only WISH I had done that when I was a young step mom full of dreams....They have some very good and sound advice for you/the kids and for FDH.....You MUST have FDH's TOTAL support in parenting this child and the sooner you get it the better for all of you....I am guessing that FDH does not have a clue as to HOW to parent his child and NEEDS some lessons...Get some books for him too....then help FDH FOLLOW the parenting advice....FDH needs to be the PARENT!! ( BTW:Dont let him get a wacko book about how a daughter and daddy should "love" each other and some other wacko things...I have read others here who mentioned the name of this book...it leads to some weird clingy father/daughter activities...Plz dont let that be the battle you face in a few years..."My SD lays/hugs/spoons on my DH all the time and she is 15!" just a warning...;) )
Good Luck! With the right help and advice EARLY on in your realationship I really think that you could be one of the lucky step parents who dont NEED this site in the years to come...I believe that there are "happy" step families out there....
It does sound like this is
It does sound like this is something dad needs to work on a bit with the daughter. He's turned waking up at night into playtime. Any child would wake up, and demand attention if they knew they would get it, get snuggles on the couch or watching a movie. Even my cat would!
(which he does.. which i am trying to teach him not to..) Luckily children are more easily trained than cats. 
As far as having some space, i actually think that is still ok. Maybe not a long time but maybe you need a day (or two) to yourself? Everybody needs some rest and relax time to recharge their batteries. Taking even a day or two away would really help, and it probably would also cause him to miss you as well which is never a bad thing in a relationship. Right now it probably feels like you need a month away, but even a few days out of the situation could really regenerate you, and even help you regain clarity and perspective on the situation.
You jumped into this situation, you didn't have 9 months to get used to the idea of having a child around, and then another 3 years to slowly watch that child grow and so forth. He should understand if you need to get away for a little bit. You're still adjusting, and so is he, and so is the daughter.
If i was in your situation, i think i would probably need to go stay with a friend for a day, or take a weekend off for myself somewhere. Luckily, my bf wouldn't fuss too much about the idea either but not all guys are so accommodating i know.