You may be his wife, but you are replacble dear. His children are not replace-able nor are they dispensable......

I stole this comment by SpunkiDoolittle2 from another blog because it's along the lines of something I've actually been thinking about lately.

After an incident this past weekend that I blogged about recently where I lost it at the thought of having to spend 2 weekends in a row with SD12 (http://www.steptalk.org/node/40415 ), as you might've expected H & I got into a HUGE argument that weekend. Now the "positive" (if you can call it that) that came out of that argument is that I think H finally got it through his brain that this marriage is over, and actually started packing and taking other actions (including looking for the second job he claims he will need, and no longer attempting to "win me back" by spending time with me that doesn't include the children or requesting that we see a counselor again, etc.) However, this was not before H mentioned that he felt he slighted by the fact that he loves my BS6 as his own, but that I never loved SS19 and SD12 as my own.

Now H & I have had conversations in the past about my lack of bond with his children. I was very honest with him about the reasons why I thought it was easier for him to have a bond with my BS6 than me with the SKs, the main reason being the age of SS19 and SD12 when H & I got together (14 & 7 respectively) vs. the age of my BS6 when we got together (10 mos.) Further, while SD12 was still relatively young being 7 (well actually she turned 8 a few months after H & I started dating) and I didn't have a daughter of my own and actually longed for a bond with SD in beginning, the fact that SD lived full-time with her mother made it difficult to bond with her when I had no perceived place as a parent in her life, unlike my BS6 who's bio had been absent since birth, giving H an opportunity to bond with BS6 immediately as BS6's only "Daddy" since BS6 was only a 10 month old infant! Beyond that, it really wasn't until H & I married 2.75 years ago and H and SS (then 17) moved into my home with SD (then 10) visiting eow, and then H & I having our BS 10 months later, that I really got the full perspective of the kind of father that H was ("Guilty Daddy"), and how negatively that would impact me, my home and my children, which futher eliminated any potential bond that I might've been able to have with the SKs!

Anyway, I was trying to think of the easiest way to try to help H understand the difference between his bond with BS6 and my lack of bond with SKs. Then, it ocurred to me that the answer had been right there under my nose! I have two parents, and 4 siblings. My mom, sibs and I used to be very close and still try to be, but our geographical distance hinders us by being scattered all over the U.S. I have one sib who lives in town that I haven't seen nearly as much as I'd like since I've been married, and I usually visit with my mom and the rest of my sibs at least once a year, with them coming to my home or me to theirs.

Well, like H's relationship with his children, my mom & my sibs are my family and I love them! Further, unlike H who can have more children, I will only ever have ONE mom , and highly doubt I will ever have anymore sibs (at least not biological anyway!) Needless to say, like me with the SKs, my H does not have the same kind of love for my mom and my sibs that I do, and he does not consider them his family, even though they have encouraged him to (well mostly my mom!) In addition to this, my mom comes to visit once a year, and H cannot stand it! Frankly it hurts my feelings because H is usually very rude by ingnoring my mother and sometimes even saying snide remarks to me about having her as a houseguest while she is visiting, even though she cannot hear him. Now I don't really ignore SD when she is there (and I couldn't ignore SS because he lived there!), and I definitely never make snide remarks about her to my H because I know that would only be asking for an argument (although I think some to myself!), but I did finally disengage from SD12 several months back since I never really felt like I was allowed to "parent" her anyway.

So, I guess the best analogy I could come up with is for H to think about how he would feel if my mother moved in or came to visit eow, and he had absolutely no say in it! Of course the kicker to all of this for me though, is that again this is my house , and honestly I feel like I should have a say in who lives in and visits my home and how often, but instead I have to have an unwanted houseguest eow simply because I am married to the parent, while the only mother I will ever have no longer stays at my house when she comes to visit only once a year after her experience during her first visit after I got married and H moved in!