HELP!!!!!
I have been married to my current wife for 13 years. We have an 11 yr old son who is a very well behaved straight A student. I have two sons by a previous marriage (26 yrs old & 22 yrs old). My oldest son is in his second enlismtent in the Marine Corps and my 21 yr old holds a steady job and has an apartment. My wife has two daughters by a previous marriage. Ages 17 & 21. The 17 year old is a straight A student, involved in school activities and works after school. The 21 year old SD is THE PROBLEM. She has hated me and been a thorn in my side from day one. This girl is the laziest, rudest, most demanding, ungrateful and devious person I have ever known. I can't even begin to tell you all the things that she has done to me throughout the years (ie. spitting in my face, spitting in my food and my drinks when I wasn't looking. Taping MTV over my Cardinals and Rams World series and super bowl tapes (because she knew I hated MTV). Outright lying to my wife and her family and friends about me. I can go on and on and on like the energizer bunny about the things she pulled on me on a daily basis). I overheard her saying more than just a few times on the phone and to her freinds that she would break up our marriage along with her dad's relationship with his live in girlfreind at any cost. She almost succeeded about four times. In high school she wouldn't get up to go to school. My wife would have to literally drag her out of bed. She would miss the maximum allowed days (24) in a year and my wife would have to meet with the school board to get her into the next grade each year. She would push her demands on my wife for anything that she wanted until my wife would finally give in. When she turned 16 she wanted the family car to drive. After giving my wife complete hell for a couple of days she finally gave in and told me to let her have the car. We fought for nearly a week day in and day out until I finally decided that a car wasn't worth a divorce. She has never held a job and to this day will not even apply for one. She stays up all night and sleeps until about 2 or 3 in the afternoon. When my wife finally booted her out of the house about a year and a half ago she went to live with her deadbeat dad, her grandparents, her freinds and each of her aunts always saying that she would get a job and when she moved in with them but like always would never even look for a job. She has nowhere to go except our house and her dads house now. Her dad lives in a trailer, has been arrested for meth and only has a job now because the courts made him work and finally start paying child support. (He was $18,000 behind). She won't live at his house because the place is a dump and secondly she has treated her dads girlfriend like she did me and they don't want her around. So guess what??? She moved herself right back into my house...URGGGGG!!!!. Here we go again, she is in her same routine of doing nothing but sleeping, eating and causing problems. My wife and I are on the same page about her and don't want her in the house but my wife doesn't want to toss her out on the streets. We have told her repeatedly to start looking for a job. She will not get up off her ass and even look!!! I can't take it anymore. Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of situation or does anyone know what to do with her. I don't want a divorce. I just remodeled my house from top to bottom and we just moved back in. Me and my wife, the 17 year old SD and our son have a great family life and I don't want to ruin that. I don't know what to do but I do know I don't want to deal with the 21 year old SD anymore. She has worn me out through years of making my life a hell in my own house. This is sad to say but I HATE HER. She is the only person on this planet that I can truly say I hate. I do not want her in my house. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!
If I had total control over
If I had total control over the situation I would send her packing in a heartbeat. I don't feel sorry for her one bit. I told her a couple of years ago that she was going to have a hard lesson to learn about life....school is about to start...
I agree w/Daddysgurl
If you and your wife are on the same page then why can't you kick her out? I realize that this may put a huge strain on your relationship with your wife but you also have to think about what kind of message you are sending to the other children in the house. You and your DW should make your house equally as uncomfortable (by way of rules and the price of rent etc.) as her dads and maybe she will be more motivated to find a job and comfortable place to stay. I know this can't be easy for either of you but I agree with Daddysgurl that you are enabling this young woman and your marriage and other children will pay the price along with her.
~Evil
Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
Confucius
She is on the same page up
She is on the same page up to the point of tossing her out on with no where to go. I would toss her out in a minute.I don't really care if she has no where to stay anymore. She has dug this hole that she is in and she needs to work her way out of it. I hate to say it but that is what she needs. Something needs to wake her up and motivate her. I can understand my wife's point to a degree but nothing is going to change with this girl until she has to endure something really tough. She is not it school, so she could get a full time job but she refuses to even look. She has been telling my wife that she has been job hunting but it's total BS. I know the managers from two of the places that she said she applied and they told me they didn't have an application from her. By her telling my wife these lies it softens her position toward her daughter. She thinks she is trying but this is just typical behavior from her. I can read her like a book.
How much would you pay to get rid of her?
Would you pay a deposit on an apt, along with first and last months' rent? Would you pay deposits to have basic utilities turned on? If you can and would, then DO IT and have her gone already. If she can breathe and has a pulse, she can get some kind of job through a temp agency at the very least. She's doing what she does because you and your wife LET HER. Show her the door. If she doesn't willingly walk through it, then give her the boot. It's one thing to help a kid when that kid is trying, but she's just riding the gravy train at this point.
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
set a date
I haven't been there yet but honestly she is 21,I suggest that you set a date that she has to meet these goals by and no excuses or she needs to be moved out with the locks changed. For your SD to be that old and come into your house being so disrespectful and downright gross is just a ridiculous thing to have to endure and its not like shes buying her own food, clothes, personal needs and since she clearly doesn't appreciate that you two do all this I would cut it all out no special food requests, no $ to her or anything that is above bare essentials during the time for her deadline cause as mean as this sounds your reality check will be alot nicer than what the rest of the world will give her.Good luck- Kaarina
Make a contract
This is a really tough situation.
Years ago I was in Big Brother's, Big Sister's. My Little, through a long and involved series of hateful, self indulgent, and mean actions ended up getting kicked out of her home at the age of 18. Her last night at her house, I'll never forget because it was superbowl Sunday and it was snowing. She hadn't told me she had no place to go until I took her back home. At that point, her Mom told me what was going on and that she was no longer welcome - and that was the day. I was amazed! It was snowing out! So - I made a contract with her, spelled out behavior and goals that had to be met over a three month time frame. I thought we had a good relationship and I might be able to help. Unfortunately, no. Three months later, she had stolen about $1,000 from me, and I had to kick her out. She knew it was coming, but still tried to stay. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do.
Over the course of the contract, because of her violations, I had to put some of the following restrictions in place:
1. No food in the bedroom
2. Code on the phone so only I could use it
3. code on the screen saver and logup of the PC so only I could use it
4. Little was not allowed in the house unless I was there (She had to get up in the morning and come with me to work - I took away her house key, and she wasn't allowed to just hang out outside of my home - nor was she allowed inside at my work)
Maybe you can sit down with your wife and develop a contract for your SD. Set the goals and limits - and get agreement with your wife. Both sign it, and then go over it with your SD. At that point, she has to sign and live up to it or leave.
One thing - do it now. She can live outside in the summer, and even in the fall. Kicking a kid out in the winter is really hard to do.
Another thing I did when I had to kick out my Little - I researched and had a list of homeless shelters for her to go to. I gave her the information and the means to get there. (Bus fare). It was her choice what to do after that. Maybe that will help you and your wife come to agreement - there are alternatives, have the information ready to give to SD when you have to make her go.
This is a really hard path to have to take. Good luck.
reply to help
I disagree with Anne8102. To set her up in an apartment is a waste. You might as well burn the money because in a couple of months she won't have rent and she will be back at your door. Been there, done that.
You must have an action plan such as she must have a job, any job, within the month. She must give you a a certain percentage of her pay, or she has to buy her own groceries, or help pay for car insurance. She must save toward moving out or toward a college class. You must not give her money or extras.
The rules should be reasonable but they should be the rules and you must carry through with the consequences if the rules aren't met.
Now if only my husband would try this approach. He is a big enabler and I am always fighting the battle to make my step-son responsible. He is 33! He doesn't live with us but he lives in an apt. we own and all I can say is pray for me!
Another Idea
Here are some ideas. These ideas are designed to:
1. Make your wife feel better about not just tossing her out
2. Making sure your house is not a comfortable place for SD
3. Encouraging her to become independent
4. Making you feel better that you are not being completely taken advantage of.
Here is how it works. Note that you and wife agree to these things and jointly implement them.
1. Tell SD that you love and care about her and are willing to provide her a safe place to sleep at night, but she is not living in your home full time and will not have her own key. She cannot come in to watch TV or anything else.
2. Tell SD that her full time job is looking for a full time job, until she finds one. Then her full time job is keeping that full time job until she has enough money to get an apartment.
3. If she does not have a full time job or TWO part time jobs within 2 weeks, this deal is OFF. Change the locks, don't answer her calls.
4. Tell SD that she must hand over each and every paycheck to you. Keep the money aside for her. Don't deduct anything for rent. That way the money piles up faster for her to leave permanently. If she does not hand over each paycheck uncashed, this deal is OFF. Change the locks, don't answer her calls.
5. Each morning at 6 AM, wake SD. Tell her she has 1 hour to shower, dress, have breakfast, and pack a lunch.
6. At 7 AM, escort her out the door and lock it. Tell her good luck with job hunting, remind her she has x number of days to find a full time job or two part time jobs. Tell her she can come back inside at 10 PM to go to bed.
7. At 10 PM open the door to let her in. Ignore any doorbells, knocks, yelling, kicking etc. until 10 PM. If she is not there by 10:15 PM, leave a sleeping bag and pillow outside on the porch and don't let her in until 6 AM (shower time).
8. When her paychecks amount to more than $2000, tell her she has enough money to find her own apartment and move out. Tell her she has 2 weeks to find such apartment.
9. After 2 weeks, give her the paychecks and escort her out, whether or not she has found a place. Remind her that she cannot come back.
It won't take long.
Good luck.
I am living your life
The only difference is I am dealing with a SS instead of a SD. Same scenario, he graduated HS, spent a year or so doing basically nothing, I started putting the pressure on him to do something and then one day he shows up with a card from a Marine recruiter!, Wow, took me by surprise, we supported him in the decision, did everything we could to make it happen, he went off to boot camp and was back home 5 weeks later on a psych discharge, he told his Drill instructor that "Big bird told him to jump out the window", just so he could get out.
His mom (my wife) has always enabled him to be a lazy, disrespectful slob. We have been to the point of divorce so many times because of the things he has done and her blindness to his actions I can't even count. Some of the things that I have had to put up with from this kid are:
- he would wait until I wasn't home , use the bathroom in our master bedroom and pick his nose and wipe it on my bath towel that was hanging on the towel rack.
- never cleans up after himself, if he makes something to eat, the boxes, spills, etc... are left wherever he happens to be at the time.
- stole my BS8's brand new bike (SS is 19), rode it to his friends house and left it there to eventually be stolen.
- currently is on probation and has a criminal record for corruption to minors for having sex with a 14 year old girl.
- waited until we had gone to bed one night, then invited his underage friends over, sat on our front porch all night drinking beer that the friends had brought with them, didn't even try to hide it, there were beer cans all over the yard. All the kids that were there that night were under 21. We have a police officer for a neighbor, he lives two doors down.
I could go on and on, check out my blog if you want some more details.
Up until recently I thought that he would be the end of my marriage, I simply couldn't take it anymore and was actually starting to plan my exit strategy. I don't know if she somehow suspected it or what but my wife laid down ultimatums for both of her kids, my SS and SD. Now I'm waiting to see if she follows through with it, because even though they have been given ultimatums they aren't doing anything to prepare, as if they know it's just one more time that she won't follow through. If she does follow through, and I hope she does, she will be throwing them both out into the street within two months. Will it happen?, I don't know, but I think it would be the best thing for both of these kids, they need to grow up and aren't willing to do it the easy way.
I know this isn't really advice for your situation but I thought that it might help to know that there are others out there with the same problems. For me things changed once I got to the point where I was willing to sacrifice the marriage to not have to live with SS anymore. Sad but that is what it has come to.
I hate rude behavior in a man.....I won't tolerate it. ~Woodrow Call, Lonesome Dove~