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What would you do?

momma_of_many's picture

Submitted by momma_of_many on Thu, 01/20/2011 - 8:59am

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Family Court

Not looking for "legal advice", just opinions...

my FIL will be moving in with us permanently before my bkids next visitation here. Question is, am I somehow obligated to inform the bf that there is another person living in our household?? There is nothing specific in court papers, and lawyer gave me a "that could go either way" answer (which can be interpreted as "let me think about what answer will get me the most money, and then i will let you know")

What would you do?

Asher10's picture

Submitted by Asher10 on Thu, 01/20/2011 - 9:01am

I would think as a courtesy you would let him know.It does involve his children so he kind of has a right to know.If they were my kids I would want to know who was living in the house with them.Do you not want to tell him?Do you think he'll try to cause trouble over FIL being around the kids??

momma_of_many's picture

Submitted by momma_of_many on Thu, 01/20/2011 - 9:11am

There is no doubt that bf will cause trouble. Its his nature. He gets a stick in his ass at the idea of ANYONE coming into contact with the kids when they are outside of his controlled environment. Its an issue.
Regardless, my first gut feeling was to let him know, since like you said, they are his kids and I would want to know if I were him. SO said I was too nice, and that I don't need to tell bf anything unless I plan on leaving the kids in fil's care.

momma_of_many's picture

Submitted by momma_of_many on Thu, 01/20/2011 - 9:35am

oh gosh I hope you're right about it being good in the long run!!! SO is always telling me to keep the PMA, and it will all work out in the end. To him PMA means "positive mental attitude"... but to me it means "pour me another"... lol!

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Thu, 01/20/2011 - 9:34am

He is a man not related to your children. Of course, he has a right to know. That is a given...be up front and maybe you can ward off some problems.

momma_of_many's picture

Submitted by momma_of_many on Thu, 01/20/2011 - 9:45am

I kinda see it this way... I'm gonna get a large amount of drama about another person living here regardless if I tell bf ahead of time, or if he finds out after the bkids return to him. So, I might as well let him know ahead of time, and then his drama will be for less valid reasons.
He will, no doubt, threaten to not send the kids because he doesn't know fil, and that fil has no right to breath the same air as bkids. But at least it will be drama arising from nonsense, and wont be because I failed to inform him.
BF is under the gross-misunderstanding that a right-to-know means that he has to give express approval over every detail. Last visit he got upset because I failed to provide him with my fathers home phone number when I took the kids there to visit for a few hours. (despite the fact that I had my phone on me and the bkids never left my care)

momma_of_many's picture

Submitted by momma_of_many on Thu, 01/20/2011 - 10:20am

lol... so true. If the tables were turned I'd be told to go to hell. But then, I get so many different opinions on this problem!

Over the summer, in an effort to get it through his thick skull how ridiculous his demands were, I copied/pasted the addresses and phone numbers for every business in my town (theres not many) into an email, and sent it to him, with a note saying that "I may at some point decide to take the children into these establishments if they need to use the restroom while we are out and about town. Just keeping you informed" Jackass actually didnt see the sarcasm in it and thanked me. ugh.

Step-Monkey.'s picture

Submitted by Step-Monkey. on Thu, 01/20/2011 - 10:22am

Lots of people are right - it's not his business & you don't need his approval. However, being a bigger person, taking the high road, whatever phrase you want to use, is (to me) ALWAYS the better way to go. If the shoe were on the other foot & he moved someone in his house w/ your kids around, would you want to know?

Elizabeth's picture

Submitted by Elizabeth on Thu, 01/20/2011 - 10:25am

Honestly, looking at it from biodad's perspective, if it was me and my DH had a woman living with him (I assume you're not married) and decided to move her dad in, I would be concerned. Not that it's not your right, but as a bioparent I would be concerned with having an adult living with my kids whom I knew nothing about. Not saying anything bad about your FIL, but my mind would be spinning with concern for my kids. So just another perspective.

If it was me, I would notify him in advance. But it ultimately is your right and your decision as to who lives in the house, as long as it's a respectful, safe person (and not a drug dealer or child molester).

momma_of_many's picture

Submitted by momma_of_many on Thu, 01/20/2011 - 10:37am

I also like taking the high road, but at the same time it seems that whenever I do something that is not legally required, it just feeds his control even more. Maybe the email I send him should state something like "I am sending this update only as courtesy to you, and am under no obligation to provide you with further details." Maybe that will halt bf's controlling demands for fil's blood type and urine sample.

momma_of_many's picture

Submitted by momma_of_many on Thu, 01/20/2011 - 10:40am

I am totally serious about that. I will take wagers now that bf will ask for fil's medical records. no lie. I just ignore that crap from bf, but it still floods my inbox.

momma_of_many's picture

Submitted by momma_of_many on Thu, 01/20/2011 - 10:43am

LOVE IT!!! That way I am informing bf directly, while also not allowing bf to fill the kids heads with negative thoughts about the change before I can talk to them personally. I'm going with it!