Nothing left for us to do - it's time to part
I know a lot of people say that when you leave you let the skids win. They are right! but after all these years; there's nothing left - I have nothing more to give. I feel like a horrible, rotten person but I really dislike my SD13. I cannot have her ruin my anymore. It's not the fact of me allowing her; it's the fact that dad is so blind and ignorant at this point that nothing will every change.
The past seven months have been the worst of my entire life! I have heard DH and her BM talking about what SD does and they know how she is. She ruined her mothers house; that's why we got her! She has no remorse and everyone just keeps on giving.
I don't even want to be in the same house anymore. I have told him to put the house up for sale and give me a month to pack and move with my 3 kids.
I just can't believe or stomach the thought of leaving after 12 years. It really hurts...........
The only way I would stay is if she left; and that would NEVER happen; so before I loose my mind and the last bit of dignity I have - I must take my kids and be a mother to them! I have changed as a person and a mother; I am angry, loud and just not ME anymore.
The thought of him being with someone else makes me ill; but this cannot be the reason to stay anymore.........
So it will be a very long month or so!! I need to find a place and talk to the kids; they are going to be devastated. But like in my other post - I just can't "fake" it for them anymore.
Is there happiness after all this??
I am sorry that this little
I am sorry that this little you-know-what is putting you through such misery.
{{{HUGS}}}
Just to let you know, just like it took a while for you to change into what you are now, it will take a little while to undo the damage. BUT, it WILL get better (i.e., less stressful!)
And I know what you mean about letting them "win." That's how I feel too, except it is BM that I feel would "win."
I'm so sorry hbell0428. No
I'm so sorry hbell0428. No one deserves to go through this kind of hell.
Just making that decision
Just making that decision helps.
I caught part of a lecture on TV at the weekend about virtue (Jordan B Peterson). It really helped me to stick to my decision about leaving if SD doesn't (actually, at the moment, it looks like she's going to go to her mother's when she finishes school - across the ocean :-)). The bit of the lecture that I found helpful was (in my own words!) that if you are feeling resentful it is either because you are being taken advantage of or you have got things out of perspective. You need to be honest with yourself, talk to friends etc to check if it's you or them. If you are being taken advantage of you need to get them to stop, otherwise that leads to you being bitter, mean, etc.
I have been saying to DH for months (years) that I've turned into something I dislike because of my resentment.
It really helped me to have the conviction that leaving is the right thing to do if SD doesn't go.
The triangle we are in is so embedded now, only one of us leaving can change it.
Yes, you are right about them winning, but they will find that what they won is worse than what they had.
Last night DH said that she is only what we have put in, then went on about the rejection/dislike/etc inferring it was my fault. He did blame himself too, however, he still believes in her innocence even while believing she manipulates and lies. I don't think he will ever hold her truly responsible for her actions.
All the very best. Have the courage of your convictions.
Sorry you are going through
Sorry you are going through this but I think given what you have had to put up with it is the best road for you to take. It's hard to "let the other person win" but really in the end YOU are the one winning but removing that vile child from your and your children's life.
She'll think she won and it will hurt to feel like the loser, but in the end you'll see that YOU are the victor in this mess your DH and SD have created. You'll be happy and your kids will be happy. They on the other hand will continue to be miserable and misery loves company.. right?
Thank you very much! I needed
Thank you very much! I needed these words; it is just something I never thought I would have to do. Start all over - with three kids now!
But I will be okay - I know I will. I just know DH is going to be a very angry, bitter person during this time and make it very hard. I was packed and ready to go once before - but his words are good! However, he never changes....
Thank you; I just need to keep my eye on what really matters - My babies......
I left my xh for many
I left my xh for many different reasons, one of them was his daughter. We got together when she my xSD was 6. At that time she and her sister lived with their mother. Apparently the older SD complained of abuse, the first time against her father and then later against her mother. SHe came to live with us when she was 12. She was such a drama queen. We had a pretty good relationship for many years and then once she became a teen, for some reason she started to make up stories about me and tell her father these stories. By the time I couldn't take it anymore, her father and I had been together for 12 years. We had many other issues, but the straw that broke the camel's back was a particular story she told her father and he confronted me about it. He knew me very well and knew there is no way it was true. I was very good to his both of his daugthers regardless where they lived. But this time, I don't know why but he believed her over me. It was insane. I finally made the decision to leave.
Funny but she constantly kept in contact with me and still does to this day. It has been more than 8 years since our divorce. She has a family of her own now and loves all of the traditions I taught her. She called me a year after our divorce and told me how terrible their holidays were once I left. She said that once I left it was like someone sucked all of the joy and laugther out of the house. Her father still does not have a committed relationship to this day and often emails me still. He is very bitter and he really doesn't have much contact with her anymore. She told me even though she lived 10 minutes from him, he would never visit her after she moved out.
This is probably something that you should really discuss with your husband. I think that people forget that their children leave and a spouse is the one that is always going to be there and be laying next to them on the pillow. They need to have frequent reminders I think.
Do you really keep in contact
Do you really keep in contact with the child that ran you out of your own home? I wouldn't trust her as far as I can throw her after everything she did to you. And XH still e-mails you? GIRL!!! If it ever got to the point I was leaving because DH was taking SD's "side" against me, they would NEVER hear from me again!
It wasn't her that ran me
It wasn't her that ran me out. It was her father. It never would have happened if he would have just got his head out of his ass.
Also, she was just a teenager at the time. SHe is a grown woman now. Kids have a very different perception of things than adults do. Ask a kid about an experience and they will have taken away something completely different than the adult. Sometimes you wonder if you were both at the same place at the same time.
She has a child of her own now. She often writes on facebook about old times and will say how much fun she had and what great memories she has, and in the same breath say that as the parent, she would never let her child do those very same thing that I, as the parent then told them not to do. It really does come full circle I think.
I have posted a few times
I have posted a few times today about me rethinking my relationship with my BF because of his three children. I just told him moments ago I am MOVING OUT! I am done! I want NO part of him or his kids...HIS kids ruined it for me. I have turned into this monster I have never been before. I hate who and what I have become. I want my old self back and the only way I will get back to old self is to leave...I love my BF but he is an idiot who is in denial.
He is devastated and is
He is devastated and is begging for me to stay. But I realize that not only does his kids drain me emotionally it takes a toll on me mothering my bio kids because I end up such short tempered from dealing with his kids. By all means my bio kids are NOT perfect but they have and know their boundaries and if they cross them, then they know there are consequences. I am not about to let his three wear me down emtionally anymore. I love my BF very much, but not at the expense of my sanity and my kids. I told him when they all turn 18 and if I am available then maybe....He knows MY KIDS come first and then I come second...not his hellians.
I agree with you on this
I agree with you on this 100%. By the time we are done talking about SD ALL freakin day; I have nothing left to give. We spent the better part of Sunday dealing with her Sh*. It was our only day to spend all together and we were supposed to go sledding; but instead we had to deal w/ her crap!! We had just found out she snuck out at 1 am while over a friends house....So it was a lovely Sunday!!
I sure hope your dh will open
I sure hope your dh will open his eyes and save the right woman I. His life. Sd will be gone in a few years. You and he are supposed to be forever. I got lucky that my dh got this part of the drAma with sd26 and let them move out and encouraged me to disengage.
Protecting yourself from the
Protecting yourself from the unchecked baggage ofyour husband(who has obviously chosen the path of least resistance and is allowing his daughter to be the centre of his universe) is the very best thing you can do for yourself and your children.
Children are not stupid. They can see what their Mom is going through. You owe it to yourself and you owe it to them to do whatever it takes to get the real you back.
I am a great believer in commitment to a marriage, but my dear, this isn't a marriage, this is entrapment.
Leave with your children. Find the YOU under all the hurt and pain you are wrapped in. Embrace life and the love of your family.
If at some point the man you married decides to be your husband, be cautious and be sure that you will be able to deal with the situation if it all goes wrong again. If you don't want to or just can't even fathom the idea, say no.
Being single isn't a bad thing, being tortured is.
Remember, you aren't alone we are all hear to listen and help.