Adult Child ruined my relationship-now what?
Twenty plus years ago I started a relationship with my partner. (I'm a lesbian in a long-term committed relationship and if that bothers you then just scoot on outta here please cuz I really don't want to be lectured about my orientaton)
I came to the relationship with my 3 year old son, and nearly 5 year old daughter.
My partner came to the relationship with her 7 year old daughter. Since then all the children have grown and left the home. Well almost all of them! 
My partner's daughter T who is now 30 and has a 4 yr old and a 5 yr old just cannot get her act together. She left home, got married to a total bum and even graduated college. Ended up back home tho and cannot keep a job. Hubby left when she was 5 mos along with the smallest one. My partner D rescues T every time anything goes wrong which is nearly every single day.
Cant pay a bill-- in steps D... cant find her keys in steps D. This girl lived next door. OMG get a freakin life. In the meantime I have Lupus and a failing liver and this adult child takes up all her time and energy. D is so busy bailing her adult daughter outta life itself she doesn't realize our marriage died five years ago. So I made friends online cuz I was lonely, pissed off and felt abandoned and ignored. Every bit of time, attention and what little bit of money we had went to T and those kids. At first it was ok but eventually I began getting pretty angry.
Two weeks ago we moved 2 doors down from her daughter so we wouldn't waste so much gas every time we had to go RESCUE this child. An hours drive was eating up a lot of gas. Now we are being used as before and after school daycare (unpaid) a place to get free internet since she cannot afford it, a place to come watch tv (she cant afford that either) and a place for free meals at least 3 times a week cuz her fat ass is too lazy to cook.
She comes in and sits on the couch and just invites herself. Never offers to help in any way with anything and then stays as long as she likes. Lets the kids run free with no discipline and never apologizes if things get broken and gets pissy if I get upset. Well it is MY HOUSE.
Did I mention where all the income is coming from? I get social security and my partner gets paid to provide in home care for me. I'm totally fed up and feel completely TRAPPED. I want out. If I leave and go find a place of my own my SSDI goes with ME... and my partner would be without an income and SOL.
I'm not a complete shit so I don't wanna do that to her after 20plus years but I am so tempted to just do that cuz I feel really used.
The daughter uses us for whatever she needs and when I need a new bra or socks I have to beg for it. If I dont like the noise level of the kids I am told to go to my room. What would you do?
Should I just leave?
Should I get a completely impartial caregiver and give my partner of 20plus years the heaveho and tell her to get a real job?
I haven't had access to my own money in over five years, havent paid any of the bills in at least that long. I dont drive and dont cook my own meals.
She cooks for me, does my laundry and takes me to all my doctor appts.
I am basically at her mercy.
Am I stuck living in hell because I cant drive, and cant cook for myself anymore?
Do I have any options?
Help
ladyblue
I agree with Roxy. You need
I agree with Roxy. You need to have a sit down talk with your partner. Just remember that if you make any ultimatums it's only affective if you keep them.
You're going to have to tell her point blank that the daughter is outta there. Period! And as a mom, she isn't doing her daughter any favors by bailing her out. The most caring thing either of you can do now is let her hit bottom. If you don't she will never be able to stand on
her own two feet. If your partner refuses to do this, for the sake of your health, you may have to vote with your feet. It sounds like you are being used and your partner is not taking your issues into consideration.
You guys have all given me
You guys have all given me some amazing feedback. I just had a two hour talk with my partner. I'm glad we talked. The last five years have been too silent.
I am walking away from this nightmare. BUT... I am gonna do it slowly and not during the holidays.
As of now we hope I can move out into my own place and keep "D" (my partner) as my caregiver. I would get a place close by so she could still help with laundry, shopping, taking me places etc and coming over to help with Bills. I would have peace and quiet and not have to deal with the adult daughter and the grandkids (seriously too much noise for me)
She will stay in this house and whatever she does with her daughter is up to her. I just cannot stay and watch her continue play rescue net. D insists that she isnt really rescuing her daughter but she is doing it all for the 2 boys. She doesnt want the two babies to have to suffer because their mother is incompetent. Well as much as I understand that argument...that means that I would have to tolerate around a dozen more years of the rescue net crap while those boys grow up.
Since the love I once had for my partner ended over five years ago or more I think a split is long overdue.
If I'm not in the same house I wont feel used merely for my soc sec check and her caregiver job... and if the caregiving thing doesn't work out I can choose to stop allowing my partner to be my caregiver and hire someone else to do that once I am in my new home.
The boys reacted poorly when their other gramma split up with her longterm girlfriend (just last year) so I think it would be best if I stayed around (thru the holiday anyhow)and made the transition easier for them.
I will do baby steps. Learn some money management and take one day at a time.
If I could stay in this loveless relationship for the last five years I can certainly stay another month or so and not just bail.