HELP! I do NOT know what to do!
Ok... SD20 has 6mth old sgs (step grandson) and lives with her fiance/baby daddy. We've had concerns about sd20's mothering abilities almost from day one, but early on it didn't seem like it was too big of a deal. This past weekend we took a ride on the drama train and now I am just beside myself, as is dh. Here's some of what we have found out:
SD20 only gives sgs a bottle of apple juice in the morning... no formula, no baby food. She gives him 1 jar of food per day (whenever she feels like he wants it). At 6 months old, sgs weighs just over 14 lbs and weighs less than his 4 1/2 month old cousin by nearly 2 lbs and another friend's baby that is 5 months by almost a full 5 lbs. He only rolls over from tummy to back, screams if left on his tummy, doesn't attempt to crawl or scoot around at all, doesn't coo much if you'd call what he does cooing at all, he doesn't smile much, and he's been sick for a couple of months now. My other sgs (4 1/2 months) seems to be more aware of things than sgs is, and my friend's baby (5 months) in comparison to sgs is like night and day.
SD20 admitted to dh and me Saturday night that she has smacked sgs on the leg for kicking his shoes off. When he cries, she says, "Shut up son!" or yells at him to quit crying.
She wanted me to keep him overnight on Saturday so as we were getting things together she tells me that sgs sleeps naked (it's been in the teens and 20's here at night the last couple of weeks), and when I asked her if he is sleeping through the night now her literal response was, "I don't know." I asked her how she cannot know if her own child is sleeping through the night. She said that when she goes to bed, she turns off the monitor so that he doesn't wake her up! WTH??? Then she said, "If he's crying during the night I don't hear him." When I got him home and ready for bed, the pj's she gave me didn't fit him so I had to look for something around here to put on him. She came and picked him up the next day and it was snowing outside. The outfit she had given me had short sleeves. She did NOT have a coat or even a jacket for him and just tossed a blanket over the carseat when she left.
Also, while he was here, he woke up coughing his little head off until his face was beat red. I suctioned his nose out several times. I also clipped his fingernails because he kept scratching himself. She said she has no clippers.
Yesterday I txt her and asked her how sgs's cold was. She said somewhat ok and then said she thought about taking him to the ER but she was taking a final for school and she was giving him meds. I told her that with a baby that small, that cold can turn into pneumonia or RSV very quickly and she needs to watch him closely. She said she was probably going to wait until his next appt and ask the doc about it. I asked when his next appt is... Dec 27th... 2 weeks away! I told her that she really needs to get him checked out if he is coughing like he was coughing over here. Then she starts talking about how she had an A in her math class... totally blowing off the issue with the sgs. Later, she posted on fb that she guessed she was going to take sgs to the ER because he was coughing really bad and didn't feel well, but she was going to take a cat nap first. Again... WTH???
So later, she txts me and says that the ER doc said sgs looked fine and it was just the weather changing... she gave him meds to get through it. So I ask her what meds they gave... Amoxicillin and triaminic. I said, "He has an infection. Amoxicillin is an antibiotic." She says, "Well, they didn't say anything... just said he looks fine." I told her that when they discharge you from the hospital, they give you a paper that has listed on it what your diagnosis is and how to take care of it... what did that paper say. She said, "They didn't give me one. All they gave me was the script." Now, I have been a mom for 17 1/2 years, I have had 5 children in my care at one time, I have made probably close to 100 trips to the ER through all of those years and kids and mom and hubby. They have NEVER NOT given me that diagnosis paper. She said she thought he was starting to get an ear infection so maybe that's what it was for. I said, "Well, he definitely HAS an infection of SOME kind or they wouldn't have given him an antibiotic."
Now I am talking to one of her other friends via fb message and she is telling me that some people have seen sd20 smack sgs on the legs for CRYING.
Her best friend of 5 years has withdrawn her friendship from sd20 because of how she treats the baby (this friend lost her baby boy at 25 weeks last year). She messaged me today and send me txts that sd20 sent to her. One of those messages said and I am quoting, "Ima do me if you don't like it we aint got to be friends and if "fiance'/baby daddy" don't like it then he can dip ot! (I assume that's a typo of some kind) he knows where the door is." The best friend has told me everything that she knows... most of that came down this weekend which was why I went with dh to talk to sd20 after I had disengaged a couple of months ago. When it comes to sgs, I will not sit by and do nothing. He is just a baby and can't take care of himself... and I love him to pieces. I was there when he was born and have been around him a lot despite disengaging from sd20.
I think you all can see where I am going with all of this. From what I can see, sd20 is turning out just like her BM. BM was a POS for a mother and NEVER put her kids above herself. Now sd20 is doing the exact same thing. She has a very indifferent attitude towards sgs and doesn't seem to care if he gets enough to eat, if he sleeps well (he slept in his swing until he was 5 months old... never spent a single second in his crib or a bassinet), obviously doesn't care how little and helpless he is... I just don't get it. It's like she is turning into the same POS mother than her own mother was and I do NOT know what to do.
I know a lot of you might think that I need to stay out of it and let dh handle it, but let me just say that dh is beside himself too. We both know the situation needs to be addressed. But we also know SD's attitude. The other day, when it snowed and she had no coat, dh told her, "You need to take better care of him." SD20 said, "Oh gee, thanks for calling me a bad mother!" he said, "YOU'RE WELCOME." Then she called him a jerk 4 different times. When I asked him later why he didn't address her calling him a jerk, he said he didn't hear her. Sigh. I see what has happened by sk's going back to their POS BM who didn't take care of them... now sgs is headed down the same path and he's not even a year old yet. He's not an affectionate baby at all... does not give hugs yet or baby kisses... rarely ever smiles... I know something is wrong. We've known that for a while.
Should I call DHR? Should dh and I talk to a lawyer? I have no idea where to go with this or what to do. We DO plan to talk to SD20 and see if she will listen, but knowing how she is, neither of us are holding our breath.
Any advice? Anyone ever been in this situation before?
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Comments
wow i definitely think you
wow i definitely think you should atleast put a complaint in with child services about the hitting, so they can do a home check and all that and they have record of her being that way with your sgs.
I have been in a similar
I have been in a similar situation, and let me tell you, it is tough. I watched my young relatives being neglected routinely throughout their childhood. The kids were taken away ONCE and the parents did the work needed to regain them. Usually, neglect and/or abuse has to be EXTREME before action is taken.
I know this is tough to witness and I wish I could offer you something concrete to hold on to. In my case, my family and I just offered to take care of those kids as much as we could. We knew they were well taken care of when they were with us. We couldn't do much more than that.
I agree, DH needs to sit down with SD and tell her what he sees that she is doing "wrong." And maybe not address it that way, but some people are really ignorant when it comes to parenting. Maybe she needs to be presented with some facts? I don't see HOW a 6-month-old baby can be expected to go 12 hours with no food in his tummy (overnight) and then just be given apple juice. It's not enough. No wonder he's small for his age.
If you can determine his height and weight, you can track it against the CDC growth charts. What was his birth weight and height? If you can determine percentiles and he's dropping percentiles as he ages, you might be able to SHOW SD that something needs to change?
I wouldn't wait. I would call
I wouldn't wait. I would call DHS now, for neglect. You tell them exactly what you have witnessed and what SD has told you.
Call DHS now !
Call DHS now !
Wow, poor little guy! This is
Wow, poor little guy! This is a tough one. On the face of it, I agree with others here to call DCFS immediately and report all you have witnessed and heard. At the very least, maybe they will make her take a parenting class. But, StepAside is right...often the most ridiculous things are not "bad" enough for the social services to take action.
My neice, who is pregnant with #2, is a terrible mother because she's just a kid herself. Her baby is a doll and very happy little guy, but she said she thinks he's stupid because he's not walking and talking at 9 months!!! She slaps him for getting into things and told us that she's looking for a paddle because she says, holding her hands up, "these are for love!" Like the kid can't figure out that it's his Mom hitting him. She also won't give him milk or a bottle since he was about 4 months old. He looks under nourished.
If this were my SD, I might offer to keep him a few weeks since she's in school to give her more time to study. Then when I had him, i would take him to a good pediatritian for evaluation. And buy him some decent clothes. I sure feel bad for the poor little kids with Moms like this!! I was a young mother myself (18) and didn't know anything about babies. But I knew enough not to treat them like unwanted pets!
Ugh you are stuck in a tough
Ugh you are stuck in a tough spot. IMO, Dh should have a long and STERN talk with his daughter, also I agree with others that you should be keeping records of all these things that are written and also call the proper authorties of this.
I'm sorry but at 20, you may not know how to be the most wonderful mother in the world, BUT you should know how to be a reasonable human being with common sense that knows enough to not be doing the things she's doing. There is no excuse.
I want to thank everyone for
I want to thank everyone for the comments & advice. I apologize for not writing sooner but I have been looking at comments since I posted. I thought it would be easier to address everyone in 1 post rather than on each individual post.
As an update the my original post: DH & I bought sgs a coat for Christmas. I had dh go ahead and give it to sd20 yesterday & I told him to tell her that we better not see him without it when it's cold outside. I don't know if he told her that or not. But anyway. I have talked to a couple of people now (1 is one of her best friends) that have actually witnessed her smacking sgs on the leg for different things and both told me that they didn't feel like it was their place to say anything or to call CPS, but they were glad that I knew and that we are going to say something to her. She came over the night that I had talked to the friends so dh mentioned a couple of different things that she needed to do or do differently. She was not receptive at all... just got ticked off.
Well, a girl (not a friend, but someone who knows one of her friends) called her one night and basically told her off about how she takes care of sgs & that she's lucky no one has called CPS on her. I don't know what all was said or anything just that one of the things that was said was that the baby is "greasy". So now sd20 keeps posting sarcastic crap on fb about how her baby is greasy. Sigh.
Well, today sd20 asked me if we would watch sgs tonight. Of course I told her I would. I offered to pick him up and take him shopping with me since she had some other things to do before her and baby daddy went out for the night. His cold is finally getting better so she's obviously giving him the antibiotic. But get this. The doc prescribed triaminic yellow. She tried to get it filled twice at 1 drug store (never tried any others) and they never had it in stock. So she apparently takes it upon herself to buy some triminic strips over the counter. So I get him home and look at the label to see how often to give it to him... it says, "Children under 4 Do Not Use" and "Children 4-6 do not use unless directed by a doctor". I about came unglued! Did she seriously not even bother to READ THE EFFING LABEL???? So I tell my dh when he got home (he had taken dd's out). He just rolls his eyes and sighs. I know he's beside himself and doesn't know what to do.
While I had sgs by myself here at home I decided to do some things. I laid him on the floor on his back. He just laid there looking around. He didn't attempt to roll over or anything. He seriously just laid there. I put him on his stomach and he immediately rolled over to his back and just laid there. He kept his arms and legs rigid. He never attempted to push himself up, never tried to crawl or roll over except to get off his stomach. He still does not hold his own bottle. He does NOT coo. I asked SD20 if he ever coos at home and she said, "Not really... sometimes." Well, all he did tonight was whine and cry and he pitched a HUGE fit when he didn't like the way he was positioned or something. After dh got home, he decided to make sgs stay on his tummy to see what he'd do. He screamed like crazy and fought to turn over... never tried to push up at all. DH said something about it's no wonder sd20 is frustrated with him because he was rigid as all get out. I told him it's because he's not been allowed to be on the floor to stretch out and grow. DH said when he asked SD20 she said she does put him on the floor. Part of the problem is that she never did it when he was smaller so he doesn't like it at all. I put him in the playpen with some toys beside him. From his back, he turned to his side to reach for the toy, but when he couldn't turn over quite far enough to reach it, he just screamed. I let him cry some to see if he would keep trying and he did a couple of times, then just gave up. My mom and I spent 15 minutes calling his name... he never once offered to look at us. These are ALL things that I recall well my babies doing when they were 6 months old.
I looked online to see what percentile his weight/length fall into. For his age he is in the 5th percentile... 25th percentile when he was born. I fed him half a jar of carrots for dinner and he only took 3 ounces of milk after that. I plan to feed him again in the morning... she did not give me any apple juice this time. (That was one of the things hubby addressed the other day)
We do plan to talk to her about some things tomorrow. We had hoped to go to her place so she can't just leave when she gets ticked off... that's her typical response to anything she doesn't like. But she will be coming to pick sgs up in the morning, so it will be then. I have told my dh that if she refuses to listen to us concerning sgs, I will be calling CPS to file a complaint. From what I have heard, I likely won't get far, but maybe they can at least advise me on what I should do. And as many of you have suggested, I am in the process of documenting everything from text messages to the facebook statuses she's posted. I took video tonight of sgs on the floor on his back and on his tummy and I took pictures of the label on the triaminic that she gave me. SGS has no bruises, rashes, or anything of that nature. And when I picked him up today, she had his coat and hat on him & her house was picked up. So I don't know if something that's been said has gotten through, or if she just did it all because dh talked to her about this stuff the other day. I did take photos of the floor (she hadn't vacuumed even though she picked up). I want to thank everyone for suggesting the documentation. I'm trying to get stuff when I can.
Oh, someone asked about baby daddy. Baby daddy is currently working 2 jobs anywhere from 70-80 hours per week. He is rarely ever home. When dh asked him if all sgs is given in the morning is apple juice, baby daddy didn't even know. SD20 told me today that she is going to try & get a part time job. My guess... motherhood is proving to be too difficult for her. Working would be easier. And she said something today about baby daddy's sister (18) came over last night & watched sgs while they went out to dinner with friends... now tonight I have him for them to go to a club. I also had him last week for them to go to a club. I don't mind having him. I'd rather have him then anyone else have him. I know what's going on and it gives me time to check for things and document things. She has already asked me to keep him Feb 4th so they can go to a concert 4 hours away. I told her I would. I find it funny that they have money to go out all the time and go to concerts, she bought tongue rings yesterday, was going to a clothing store today... but DH & I had to buy sgs a friggin' COAT! Sigh.
Thanks again everyone... really. This is so difficult. I worry about little man constantly when he's not with us. And even when he's with us I worry about his development, how he's going to turn out if something doesn't change or if we can't get him out of the situation. The little guy isn't my blood, but I love him to pieces and always have. I hate that I cannot do more to help him. I hate even more that sd20 has turned out to be no better than her own BM. Sigh.