Am I beline Insensitive? Gees...
So ... I spoke with my husband today. he said he was picking up his daughter tonight (not his usual night). Things have been VERY stressfull in our house since the whole THanksgiving break. I have been trying to separate myself a little.. and have very much expressed to him my frustration.
When he mentioned his daughter would be coming over.. I told him that he needs to tell her that she should NOT be knocking on our door at night and waking us up.. especially on a school/work night. This was his response.. and my responses.. Please give me yoru feedback and let me know if I am out of line.
I mean seriously.. we have been dealing wither her wakings us up for the past year.. EVERY NIGHT SHE IS OVER!!!! SHE IS 12~
This is my response via email after he told me I need to be nicer about it and I should have said "Please have a talk with your daughter and ask her to please not come to our door"... this is my response to his requedst via email:
MY RESPONSE:
I wont sugar coat things anymore.
Point being.. if SD wants.. or you want her to sleep over, ...
I don't need to be interrupted at 11pm-4am.
Maybe you need to be more sensitive of ME.
HIS RESPONSE:
I don't need you to sugar anything..Not sure if you remember how to be sensitive to my feelings anyway.. Point being... be conscience of your comments.. No response necessary!.. Thanks
MY RESPONSE:
Maybe you should start thinking of other people as well. Be conscience that there are other people in the house, besides you.
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At 12?? what can she not take
At 12?? what can she not take care of by herself at 12? You are not out of line at all! I would never let a child that old wake me up at all hours unless it was an emergency
oh.. htere's ALWAYS an
oh.. htere's ALWAYS an excuse. My 4 year old doesnt get out of bed when i put her to bed. His 12 year old either doesnt fall asleep.... or falls asleep,.. wakes up..and needs attention. It usually ends in crying.. for whatever reason.
Why is a 12 year old even up
Why is a 12 year old even up at that hour?????
DH~~I need my sleep. I'll accomodate your feelings and you can accomodate mine. Go ahead and get an airmatress and sleep on her floor when she's over. I get to sleep through the night and you can cater to her all night long. Everybody wins. DW
Hahaha! That sounds about
Hahaha!
That sounds about right.
well.. NOW she is even
well.. NOW she is even refusing to sleep in her room. She is too scared. So she ends up in the spare bedroom or on the couch downstairs? It's hte weirdest things. She wakes us up cause of a headache, stomache ache, she is scared, she threw up? ect... its rediculous. she wakes us up while we are "together" too.. so dumb. I'm at the point that I dont even want her sleeping over. If I were her mom.. I would permanately move her out of the HUGE bedroom she is.. into the spare bedroom. Her dad does NOTHING! This is even more embarassing when we have guests over and she 1. sleeps on the couch. and 2. screams after her dad puts her to bed for attention. IM SO OVER IT!!!!!!!!!
Obviously, there is something
Obviously, there is something going on with this kid because that is NOT normal behavior. I would (gently) suggest to your DH that the kid be evaluated by a psych to figure out what the problem is. Or maybe DH just needs to threaten her with that "If you can't sleep maybe you should see a doctor/therapist to help you figure out what you can't." That worked for my DS when he was pulling some B/S game. }:)
And, no, you're not wrong for being upset or wanting your sleep. My DD5 sometimes wakes us up and if it's not an emergency then it's SOOO annoying. At least now she knocks on the door. Before, she would just scream "Mommy, mommy, mommy..." from way down the hall.
She knocks on the door???
She knocks on the door??? Wow! What a luxury! My DH refuses to shut our bedroom door! It "might hurt SD12 feelings." (barf)
She's using the strategy
She's using the strategy "divide and conquer". Drama Princess isn't getting what she wants from daddy or SM, so drama, drama, drama to get everyone up and excited, and chaos abounds.
Start taking privileges away if she doesn't quit. Sorry sweetie, you woke us up again last night when we told you we were not going there. Guess you'll have to sit in your room tonight, no TV. Keep it up and you'll lose more privileges.
If you do not get a handle on her self-entitlement NOW, you will be sorry when she's going on 14-18. You will have a real bitch on your hands, and YOU will be completely miserable.
If DH can not seem to stand up for you, he needs to sleep with her for awhile. PERIOD. His kid, his problem. GET YOU OUT OF THE MIDDLE.
NewStepMother, I know exactly
NewStepMother, I know exactly how you feel. My boyfriends daughter is now 17 (she was 14 when we got together) she STILL to this day barges in our room and NEVER knocks. I was getting dressed once and she just barged right in and asked where her dad was before she even closed the door! Luckily I picked up some clothes to cover my private parts! But his son who is now 14 ALWAYS knocks before he comes into our room. It just amazes me!!! HA
So what if he doesnt correct
So what if he doesnt correct this behavior? He has taken things away before.. but that doesnt seem to help much. He has Threatened ot take her phone away at times.. sometimes he follows through.. and other times he doesnt.
I just know it's going to get worse.. and I have told him that before. EVERYONE around him sees it.. but him. Even family members telling him.. I'm just sick of it. 4 months of marriage.. it's gotten SO HARD!!!!!!!
This is just amazing. glad I
This is just amazing. glad I am not alone
I have asked him MANY times to take her to counseling.. he mentioned it to her and she said she wouldnt go. I MEAN.. SHE IS 12? I wouldnt have given her a choice! Her Mom even told my husband to make her go.. but he never did.
I like the idea of him taking hte air matres in her room and sleeping there. I doubt he would do that. He did sleep with her in the spare room one night.. which I was totally against. She is too old to be sharing a bed with her dad. BUT.. if he did hte air matress on teh floor... problem solved. Enjoy yoru sleep!
I will say this.... SD started out by screaming for her dad at night and pounding on her wall.. she has since (past year) started knocking. She doesnt barge in.. BUT she will knock until someone answers.. which is always my husband. Next time I might scare her and open the door myself!
OF COURSE he's not going to
OF COURSE he's not going to like sleeping on an air mattress on her floor......that IS YOUR POINT to getting him to realize he's being unreasonable for not considering your feelings!!!!
Hello DH, YOU deal with it then, I NEED MY SLEEP. You get to cater to her all night (which is what he's whining about that you are not considering "his feelings", cause he WANTS to answer your bedroom door and "help" her. (BTW, he's only enabling her to act out further)
BY MAKING HIM SLEEP ON HER FLOOR, you are throwing the responsibility ON HIS SHOULDERS WHERE IT BELONGS......HIS KID, HIS PROBLEM. You are not her mother, and she is not your daughter, NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO BE WOKEN UP ALL NIGHT LONG.
Give him a night or two of having his feelings compromised, cause you know he will NOT want to do that, and he'll get the hint. "maybe I ought to not let her interrupt me and my wife all night cause this is annoying....I'm sleeping on my daughters floor for God's sake!!"
Oh and one more point.. she
Oh and one more point.. she DOESNT do this at her moms house. It's just a "dads house" issue.
YEP--- Divide & Conquer This
YEP--- Divide & Conquer
This is TYPICAL of the daddy-daughter relationship when there is a SM involved. DRAMA, DRAMA, DRAMA. Daddy give me attention.
YOU will be very sorry (MISERABLE!!!) if you do not get together with your DH and become a SOLID TEAM sooner than later. Mine are 19 and 22, and they have turned into very evil bitches from all the entitlement daddy-doormat allowed to happen.
mominator is exactly right.
mominator is exactly right. this is going to get much much worse if it doesn't stop right now. trust me, i've been living with this for a long time, and it does not get better all on its own.
as a new step mother, here is something to think about (that i wish i had known).....its like dh has been working on this very special important project for work (bear with me, its the only scenario i could come up with :). he's worked hard, takes a lot of pride in it, and then suddenly, a new co-worker comes into the picture. one who has a clear view and "fresh eyes" on the situation and says "well no, this isnt working for me, this needs to change, this isnt right, i cant accept this, etc). dh is stunned, he's worked so hard.....and he is hurt to hear about the changes, no matter how constructive they are. he's at a crossroads.....he can either be open to changes, trust this new knowledge, and want to work together to make it better.....or, he is going to push back. hard. his feelings are hurt because he thought he was doing the right thing. and when he pushes back.....its going to be against the new person, NOT his children.
the reason so many of us are on this site and feeling this frustration is because our dh's believe they are absolutely right, they cannot see the changes that need to be made, and they see the "new person" making things uncomfortable for themselves and their children, even if the only thing we are needing is respect, limits and boundaries. WE become the scapegoats for their feelings, even though we came into this with good intentions....and the skids grow up to be spoiled, entitled princes and princess'. we are left with resentment, and our dh's wonder how they got "caught in the middle".
choose your battles wisely, but take a stand. get into therapy with someone who specializes in remarried families, if you can and if your dh will go. if not, this behavior will continue (this little girl already knows she has the power to disrupt your lives now, what happens when she's 16 or 17?), and you'll have to make some even tougher choices down the road.
its hard and it sucks, i know. ((hugs))
....and the *intimacy* of
....and the *intimacy* of your relationship....get this......my SD (then, age 17) did the divide and conquer crap one LATE night we were enjoying our privacy together, and called her mom (BM) to have her call DH and chew his ass right then and there, for having *intimacy* with me in our house, cause it was "bothering her"...yea, that was lovely getting a phone call from the psyco bitch-x (BM) and have her chewing my DH over the phone. This was at MIDNIGHT mind you.
Its' only happening at "dads
Its' only happening at "dads house" because dad allows it. My SD6 tried this at age 4 and I put a stop to it. The first few months, we gave her some breathing room because we were in a new house, etc. But when the wakings began to exceed 8 a night and I was the one getting up with her (i'm a light sleeper and DH is NOT), I said enough is enough. My boys are not allowed to wake us during the night unless it's an emergency or a valid reason. Of course, SD6 tests the waters every time she comes back. But she only does it once because she knows I won't allow it without some kind of punishment.
What2due~~he *is/was* SUCH a
What2due~~he *is/was* SUCH a doormat to his little princess, all he did was grumble to me under his breath that "she" (SD) "did this" and "this is what she does to me". He was PATHETIC. And me, I was so damned stunned, I didn't know what to say.
Honestly, our relationship in the beginning was such, that I DID NOT DARE question anything OUT LOUD or to his daughter, NO NO NO, I was to remain quiet and stay out of "their business".
Back then, he made it CRYSTAL CLEAR, that if I were to be the one to upset the apple cart (basically make a stand and put his girls or his ex-wife in her place) and his daughters didn't like it, and they grip about it to him, he'd CHOOSE to leave me. I was STUPID, DUMB, and CLUELESS as to what was going on, and too scared to stand up for myself AND LEAVE him.
I guess, and I think a lot of us on here are like this, especially when we have not been educated to the entire dynamics of the SM daddy-daughter/son relationships, I kept trying to convince myself it was going to get better, and that all of the drama would "go away". It was too insane and crazy to "not get better".
Knowing now, what I know today (and after reading STEPMONSTER), I NEVER would have moved in with him, never married him, and he seems to think we could have dated until the YSD moved out (to college), but I BEG TO DIFFER. I would have moved on and found someone else. Don't get me wrong, I really believe he is my soulmate, and we are EXTREMELY compatible when it is just "the two of us" and not the SD brats interferring and getting daddy-doormat to do their bidding. I just would not have left one marrige and divorce, to walk into a worse situation.
For now, we've got the BM blocked from calling or texting, and that pretty much keeps her away, but she still has a tremendous effect on his future relationship with his daughters, that for now, is non-existant because of her (BM). She didn't like being cut out of our relationship. LOL....and I do mean, she was trying her darndest to control us at arms length.
It's been a CRAZY RIDE. I'm still not 100% sure we will last. It will really be up to him moving forward. He's made GREAT progress, but I have yet to see his daughters come back in the picture, and that will be the deciding factor whether I want to put up with his BS (the daddy-doormat routine) anymore. I want to be happy and I want to find someone that will make me happy......and NO DRAMA/ADULT KIDS CONTROLING MY RELATIONSHIP.
You are right where I am,
You are right where I am, Mominator. Sigh.
Your post hit home with me.
Your post hit home with me. Much more so in your DH's response than to your actual problem you are tying to correct, although I've dealt with the same sleep issues too.
My DH has a way of deflecting things back to me whenever I bring something up to make it seem as though I am being insensitive. I feel much like you...is it necessary to sugar coat things???? I had no idea EVERY - SINGLE - TINY request needed to be phrased with a pretty pretty please, and a couple extra pleases thrown in for good meature.
I think it's their way of avoiding the real issue and turning it back toward you. So I am very careful of any topic related to SD to make my words as sugary as possible. Still doesn't take the sting out but now it's one less thing to come back at me.
Newstepmother - I agree with
Newstepmother - I agree with others that at 12, she is far past the point where she should be acting this way. You need to tell DH that her behavior is abnormal and unreasonable. He should be consience of YOUR feelings and the fact that HIS lack of parenting of HIS daughter is effecting YOUR sleep before you need to get up and go to work. HE is also being insensitive to YOURS and HIS privacy together and something has to be done. Yes, him sleeping in her room on an air matress would shut her up, but he would still be feeding into the situation. DH needs to nip this and have a talk with her. Obviously, she does this for "daddy attention" since she doesn't do this at her mother's house. I would tell her that unless she can act how a 12 year old should and stop the pitty party, she will have to go back to her mother's at bed time.
Well once again we had a
Well once again we had a fight.. over these exact issues. and he re-directed ALL THE PROBLEMS TO ME. Oh wait, I take that back.. he did say that he has been trying to work on these issues. BUT THEY ARENT WORKING!! NO CRAP. I told him that he needs to take his daughter to counseling. HE said he was planning on it.. yeah right. WHEN? Been 2 years already!
My husband and I have a counseling session on Tuesday. He is convinced that I am a completely different person since we got married 4 months ago. I say.. YES~! Look at how I am treated and the stress in this house is insane! he just pretents everything is dandy.. well.. it's NOT!
At our rehearsal dinner.. he drove his DAUGHTER in the convertable. Left my daughter and i at the hotel. guess we went with my side of the family. HIS daughter got on stage after we cut the cake.. and cut it with her dad.. on STAGE JUST LIKE WE DID????? It's so annoying. I AM THE WIFE!
Crap like this has been ahppening since.. he doesn't see ANYTHING wrong with it.