My boyfriend wants sole custody of his son
Yesterday, while driving home, my boyfriend was in tears. He said that he wants sole custody of his 6 year old boy.
When I asked him what happened, he said he just feels like he has to be relatively hard on his son because his mother does not discipline him at all. The boy's mother seems unable to keep him in control. I hear things about the kid that are unthinkable to me. The mother tells my boyfriend that on her weeks, their son doesn't want to do homework, and that he throws tantrums. That does not happen on the weeks that he is with us. When their son acts up when he is with the mother, the mother has to call my boyfriend just to ask what she should do. My boyfriend has never had to ask her how to discipline their son when the kid is with my boyfriend.
I have a lot of talks with my boyfriend's son. I always ask him what he does at his mom's house. He's 6, and has picked up lying, so I don't totally trust everything he tells me. But a constant thing he says is that he doesn't have to do chores at his mom's, and that they just let him watch TV all day.
I feel like my boyfriend is tired of being the only parent. I'm not the boy's mother, but I love him and try to teach him everything. His father and I taught him how to count, add, read, write and how to tie his shoelaces. When the kid comes back from his mom's he forgets everything that we taught him.
We don't have my boyfriend's son this week. Today, the kid's teacher called my boyfriend to report that his son has been disruptive in class. If the lack of discipline is affecting his schooling, is this ground to get full custody of the child?
Could sole custody be extreme
Could sole custody be extreme when the mother doesn't parent the child at all? And the kid doesn't do this on the weeks that he is with us, so I doubt that he has ADD/ADHD. I think you're right though, it may be extreme. More time with his father might be what he needs. But I guess that's how it is in these situations. You can't be proactive before you see apparent damage.
A good attorney will give
A good attorney will give boyfriend (bf) a free consultation where bf can lay out his problem and the attorney will give his opinion as to the possibility of getting custody and his FEE.
That's the problem with attorneys, FEES, they get paid to file cases not give out advise that you won't win.
My impression of the family court is they are biased towards mothers and the younger the child the more the bias. Unless you can make a pretty clear case for the mother being incompetent it won't work. And even if you have the proof it'll be expensive if his ex fights.
My advise is for bf to ask Mom if she'll let the kid stay with bf for perhaps the second half of school this school year. Emphasize that any child support being paid will continue. Yes continue. Bribe her if necessary.
Then after 6 months perhaps bf can show proof of how much better the boy is doing. And you will have had a chance to see what its like to be a step parent.
Sounds like a good idea.
Sounds like a good idea. Another incident happened today, the mom called my boyfriend, and she was complaining that the boy doesn't do his homework, and that he snatches the pencil out of her hand to throw it on the floor. She told my boyfriend that some days the kid just won't wake up for school and refuses to go. I'm just in shock, he's never done that with me and his dad. She was also cursing at the kid while she was on the phone with my boyfriend, and she said that she was tired of his shit and he can't take it anymore, the the boy heard it. I feel bad for him. My boyfriend may be paraphrasing, but he also told me that he's talked to her about keeping their son longer on my boyfriend's weeks, and she said no.
Hi there, I just wanted to
Hi there, I just wanted to share some of our experience dealing with some very similar things.
From my experience and research in helping DH with his modification and later, with his custody trial, it is very difficult for one parent to get sole custody or to have it changed. Do you mean he would like sole legal custody or sole physical custody?
DH did succeeded in having custody changed with him having sole physical custody, but even still the judge STILL awarded sole legal custody. And that was after numerous years of major school problems that started for skids at a young age.
We had a lot of the same problems with BM, particularly with homework. If he is only 6, you could be possibly facing a difficult road in the future with school problems.
These problems started for DH when SS was younger also. He is ADHD and BM started him on medication, which eventually led to overmedicating him in obscene ways. He was disruptive more in class, always had problems with homework at her house, but DH didn't have as many problems with homework at our house because expectations and consequences were completely different between households. DH and mom couldn't agree on techniques to handle. BM believed it was all medical and didn't believe in any consequences for not doing homework, getting into trouble at school. As it progressively got worse, medical professionals repeatedly said a big portion of it was a lack of structure at home and that their wasn't enough behavior modification at home. The school said he wasn't doing his homework, but did fine when at school. He began to miss many days of school because mom couldn't get him up, couldn't get him to go (some of it as a result of medication). It continued to become worse and worse as he got older until finally she gave up and pulled him out of school half way through the school year to homeschool SS. If she couldn't get him to do his homework, we didn't understand how she planned to be successful homeschooling him. Turns out, she just pulled him out of school and didn't homeschool him all along. This was despite DH voicing his disagreement of pulling him out of school and against the schools recommendation that homeschooling would be effective.
So in our situation, what started at a young age became progressively worse. What's strange is that with all of the school attendance issues in the past, since being at our house, SS doesn't really miss any school. Ever. And we don't have the issues BM had for many years.
As frustrating as it is when parents aren't on the same page in dealing with these issues, I would try and explore all of the ways that you guys can help, even if it doesn't make sense, even if she is an idiot, even if you don't experience the same things at your house. I can't tell you how many times SS came to our house for the weekend not having done any homework, or having missed school for no reason and BM didn't bother to have him do any homework. We were saying the same thing...what do you do when the other parent doesnt' parent? We ended up spending HUGE amounts of time on homework to help SS get caught up on things he should have already done at BMs house. It was frustrating.
Some of the things happening in your situation sound all too familiar with what has happened with DH. I know how frustrating it is. If mom is having such a difficult time with him at home and doing homework, can you suggest maybe some outside help when with her for homework help. Some schools have free help after school...we had to enlist the help of a tutor once a week for SS. It's sad, but it's a relief for us at least one day a week. He doesn't argue and throw fits when with a tutor or a teacher helping him and is more productive, which in the end was the result we wanted (getting homework done quicker and with less argument). Although it sounds like you and your DH don't have that problem when with you, but maybe you can gently and non confrontational approach mom to try and suggest different ways to help deal with the problems she is experiencing?
Hi again DW, I just thought
Hi again DW, I just thought of this too and I know that I don't know your situation as well as you do, but just sharing some thoughts from our experience and my gosh, re-reading your posts it sounds soooo familiar.
What is your custody arrangement...who does he spend more time with? When our BM had primary physical custody (we were a distance away), we didn't understand the problems she was having. Would call with a lot of the same things you have said you are dealing with. We didn't have those problems.
Now that he is with us full time, looking back, I do understand some of her frustration and we see some of the things she used to have trouble with that we never had problems with at the time. We DIDN'T understand it nor was DH very understanding when she would call not knowing how to deal with him.
He was doing these things with the parent that allowed them, but also with the parent he was used to being around more. He knew he could get away with it at mom's, but not at dad's. He was more comfortable with mom and her routine (or really lack thereof), but adjusted to our routine and expectations. With us full time now, we do have problems because he's more comfortable now so at times will treat us like crap too...especially in trying to do homework. But we don't have many of the same issues or problems nor to the degree bm did because our rules and consequences are very different...well, there are some (mom didn't have any except screaming and yelling and throwing her hands up and letting him do or NOT do what he wanted).
When custody was changed, my favorite line from the judge was that...mom offers that path of least resistance to the kids and that is not in their best interesting (meaning with schoolwork, discipline, structure, etc.).
I would keep trying to give helpful suggestions to mom, especially if it sounds like she asking for them because she doesn't know what to do. Try and explain what it is that ya'll do at your house because it sounds like you don't have the same problems. I wouldn't be afraid to make suggestions, even if she is a pain and can't seem to figure out things that would be obvious to you as parents. Again, especially if she is calling and asking what to do, I would tell her.
Hi everyone, sorry for not
Hi everyone, sorry for not responding weeks ago. I thought everything had been better, but today there was a totally different event that happened.
But first, to answer some questions, my boyfriend and the mother have 50/50 custody. Only the father pays for the child's medical and dental because the mother claims she can't afford it, but shows that she has enough money for an iPad and other things. They have the kid for a whole week alternately. Both of them make decisions for the child. The mother recently had a new baby with her fiancee. The mother and I have never met, and my boyfriend and I have never met BM's fiancee.
This is what has been happening (This week, the child is at his mom's):
On Sunday (the last night he was with us), SS was telling me that he told his mom's fiancee that he's not his real dad. I asked him why would he say that to the fiancee, and he acted like he didn't know. On Tuesday, my boyfriend told me that SS was using my name when he's complaining to his mother. "DW said not to do it that way, so I don't have to listen to you" and "DW is right, you only care about the new baby and not me". I was shocked, he has lied to his mom before about something that "I" said. This deeply disturbs me because I try to instill in him respect for his elders, meaning he can't disrespect anyone like that, let alone his own mother. My boyfriend told me that his son is probably just using my name partly because he looks up to me, and partly just so he doesn't have to say "I don't have to listen to you" or "You don't care about me". I told my boyfriend that perhaps all parents and step parents need to meet, and talk about this behavior. The mother said, "I don't need to meet her" and she also said "Why do you want to meet my fiancee? I don't want you to poison his mind". My boyfriend suggested proper punishment, even spanking (which has worked for us), and she doesn't want to comply. My boyfriend suggested that maybe they can keep the boy 2 weeks each time, instead of just one. She said that it was too long.
Today, my boyfriend messages me that BM called him to say that SS attacked her. She had told SS that he could not bring a toy, so he ran up to her, pushed and hit her. There was no punishment from the mother, and the boy is now in school. This behavior is unheard of to me with this kid. The mother is noncompliant to any kind of action. She keeps calling for help, but never does anything about fixing the situation. I don't know what else to do if the mother doesn't want to change her "parenting style".
Is this not enough grounds for sole legal custody and probably sole physical custody? Even if it isn't, what can we do to correct this behavior if he isn't doing it to us?