Mediation Update.
So, In the last two days, I have officially lost every ounce of my cool, and I think, possibly my respect for STBH.
As some will remember, STBH agreed (against my warnings) to enter into a "mediation" towards reaching a settlement about custody and the finances.
On several occasions he and I agreed that the bottom line was to be that he would not walk out of there without 2 things in agreement:
1) shared custody both legal and residential
2) the passport
And to add to this, he would not discuss financial issues until which time he had these two things agreed upon.
The co-custody was to be granted in two week increments. The passport was to be surrendered at the meeting or after all aggrements were ratified by signing.
As I told you, I didn't believe there was ANY indication that BM would operate in good faith.
I was right again.
BM called me the day before because STBH was still deciding wether or not to attend meeting. At the time she said he was paranoid about custody, that she had "no problem with every other week, and no problem turning over the passport", in fact that she would give it to him when she met him for the child exchange that was to occur that day.
This was of course an effort on her part to get me to talk him into going to the meeting at all.
When they went, they were placed in shuttle agreements (to avoid her inevitable outbursts and trouble on her part). Issue one - custody, resoved to be that STBH would get to have custody "any time he asked her for it provided there were no extenuating circumstances preventing it". The requests were to take place in email form as were her answers.
Remember, he has to this point been protected by a restraining order. There goes our protection from contact with her. Thanks. He claimed that the agreement would specifically be worded to prevent her from writing anything other than about child exchanges. I laughed at this. Puleeze.
This is to say NOTHING about the "extenuating circumstances" clause. I can see it now: "SD can't come as we are attending the town fair tomorrow."
As for the passport issue, she refused to hand it to him, and instead (after four accountable hours with two attorney's) they agreed the passport would be held in a bank security deposit box where both parents would need to sign for anyone to have access. Duh. She has already tried to forge his name to take out a loan on the house.
You may recall we have SD for five consecutive days (which turned out to be six because BM wanted to go to a barbeque). Consequently even though he went against MONTHS of agreements hased out between he and I, we cannot discuss it, because if we do, he accuses me of stealing the little time he has with daughter.
In the meantime, today he received an email from BM which read:
"I am writing to check on BD/SD and to remind you to go to the bug fair at ____ Give her a hug and a kiss for me, love mamma."
Now this letter, PISSED ME OFF.
She has not had ANY contact BY LAW for MONTHS. They didn't sign ANYTHING. There is a restraining order, and he and I have been living together for OVER two years. WE ARE ENGAGED.
First off, this message was NOT about when a pick up or drop off would occur. Secondly, he did NOT write to her first. Third, She didn't even MENTION when she would be picking up daughter and fourth - and this is what REALLY get's to me, THEY are NOT on speaking terms, let alone terms of endearment like mamma and poppa. Her daughter does not READ. Why would she sign it mamma????
Because as she is CONSTANTLY trying to tell me - THEY are the family and I don't understand that because I don't HAVE any children of my own. They are the family, and I am just someone he uses to "get laid".
And in the meantime.... he took SD to the bug fair, and left me on my own for the day. Then he accepted his daughter for a day more than we agreed upon, whereupon the next day he will begin work for a week in another state.
In the meantime, we had what was perhaps the worst argument we have ever had the night after his legal meeting and we cannot talk about it because every time we do, his daughter comes in and pulls him to come look at her ball, balloon, poop, bug drawing, coloring box, etc.,
And of course, I am second to that - too - every time.
I am devistated. Seriously - I have not stopped crying for two days now.
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Comments
Think About This Lauren
You aren't even married yet and having major issues with STBH. STBH needs to consider your feelings too. Please consider this. BM is going to do everything she can through emails and phone messages to get under your skin. My advice don't react. If you do then her mission is accomplished. I think the term I saw on this website is don't let her rent space in your head. I wouldn't care if my husbands ex wrote him all sorts of love letters with all sorts of terms of endearment. I know how he loves me and I am secure in my relationship. He can't stand her so as long as it is not him writing those things to her then don't worry about it. If you are again and again being place 2nd in your relationship then I would reconsider the whole marriage thing. It only really gets worse if STBH isn't looking out for you.
Don't let the beaaaaaaaaaaach get to you!!!!
Rent???
If she were renting space in my head that would imply i was being PAID. HA!
The thing is, I can't often tell if he is indeed placing me first, or, if he is placing his daughter first, and which is better - more appropriate.
And as for her writing that letter... I WOULDN'T have been upset a week ago, because if she had written that letter, she would have been arrested. In the meantime however, she extorted him into a custody/financial settlement agreement at threat of never seeing his daughter again, and he fell for it. They "resolved" things (things which i had NO SAY IN) Now suddenly she is moving back from NO communication, to the mamma pappa baby triad that I DON"T HAVE and WON"T have until he is not CAUGHT UP in this shit.
I apologize for sounding trite or bitter or sophomoric. I am really hurting right now. I cazn't think of anything to do but get blitzed and play russian roulette.
I Have been in your shoes
You have every right to feel the way you do. You don't deserve to be treated the way you are. I totally understand where you are coming from. This is why we are all here to vent and share so we don't implode. I say things on this site I would never say to DH or the kids. This has been a real help for me. I like you have become bitter in some ways. I never have disliked a person as much as I do this BM. It takes everything I have inside to hide my feelings about her because I would never say anything bad about BM to the children and I sure as hell wouldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing anything she does affects me.
I don't understand why the BM's play so many games. It should not be this hard. I am a BM myself and I never once treated my kids BF this way. He had an open door policy in seeing the kids. He chose not to. Not that they are grown he is paying for it dearly. He regrets not seeing them. I wanted so badly for him to have a relationship with his children when they were little because I love my boys. I don't understand BM's who can't put aside their feelings for their children. That is a big part of why I love my current husband so much. I watch how much he loves his kids.
My experience with the BM we are dealing with is that she plays the same kind of stupid games like in your situation. As long as she has control she is happy. If she can get under your skin she is thrilled. If not we pay dearly. My DH has learned the only way to deal with her is not to deal with her at all. WE are lucky in the fact she lives around the world. I read about what everyone goes through day to day and I don't know if I could live like that.
Stay strong!
That didn't come out right.
Sorry, I am three shots of whiskey into the game (for today). What I meant is that I often cannot TELL wether he puts my feelings into the LINE-UP even. He has his daughter, his exwife, his job, his finances to worry about. Today I feel that I am enjoyed for my presense only so long as I uphold him in his fight without controversy or disagreement, or indeed opinion. But when it comes to these times, I cannot tell if I am just being selfish or if I am at ALL justified.
I doubt myself. Again.
You Are Justified!!!
Unless you want to become a Stepford Wife (the movie). You shouldn't apologize for the way you feel. Trust your intincts!!!! They are probably screaming at you right now.