havent been on in forever..looking for some much needed support..
so for those of you who may remember..originally i was on this site because i was dealing with BM coming back into the picture, after me being the main mommy for 2 years..my sd had just started to ask if she could call me mommy when bm stepped back in..I told her that she should ask her mommy first because we dont want to upset her, and her mommy convinced her that if she didnt call her mommy then she wouldnt be her mommy anymore.. anyways BM was involved for almost a year, had an hour visit with SD every sunday...then surprise surprise..she messed up big time! shes looking at prison at this point...so we had to deal wiht my sd sleep walking and nightmares about abandonment until it finally stopped and she had healed herself from the loss..so tonight she gets in trouble ( which she hasnt been in a long time..shes an awesome kid and great student) for lying about homework being done, shes now 7. So I went to her backpack to look at her homework to see what wasnt done..and she had a letter that she did in class about her "family" and she called me her dads girlfriend..iam so furious right now..it hurts so flippin bad..my bf tries to show support and comfort me but he really doesnt understand...i do all the mommy things, the lunches, the dinners, the drop off, the sick days, the happy days, the gymnastics, the basketball, the school shopping,the bed times, the stories, the teacher gifts, the school days, BM is in jail! ugh! i hate it!!!
DWBWJC... Deep breaths girl.
DWBWJC... Deep breaths girl. I can relate. I am doing all the mom stuff to here, although BM isn't in jail. (I think she should be, for being an idiot... but I digress.)
Anyway, I just saw SD's therapist recently, and I hope it helps give you some perspective or insight. Or at least just helps!
I was talking to SD's therapist about how after doing all of these things for SD more and more over the years, but essentially being the full time mom for the past 17 months, I am feeling very "custodial" and "possessive" of SD. To the point where I feel like BM is intruding on MY territory! I said to SD's therapist... "I feel like I'm her mom"... and the doctor (Social Worker) literally cut me off and said "How dare SHE??" (not me, 'she' meaning BM) ... And she went on... "How dare SHE act like she's her mom?" "How dare SHE hurt her own daughter yet again?" She was speaking for me... but at first it took me off guard.
The therapist told me that OF COURSE I feel possessive and like I want to protect SD from her mom. I am fulfilling that role, but don't have the title, or the physical aspect of the bond. I told the therapist that I feel guilty because I know that SD's mom does care for her, but she is "not" SD's mom, in the real sense, and I am.
And SD's therapist said "That's the exact same conflict that SD has." She sees that her mom is not her mom, except only in the physical sense. And she wants her mom to be the mom she envisions... the mom that I am to her. So she feels guilty toward her mom, because her and I have that bond. She feels guilty toward me, for feeling that need from her mom.
If your SD is not fully experiencing this yet, it may come. I know it's hard not to take the paper seriously, but she is still very young, and working things out. As she grows up, she will know who her real mom is... YOU. I truly believe that.
i love you! you just made me
i love you! you just made me cry..i needed to hear this..i feel that your absolutely right.. she hurts because her mom hurts and her "family" to her is different than everyone elses her mom isnt at school functions but dads girlfriend is..it just hurts before bm came back she use to beg to call me mommy then she stopped i guess maybe she is still healing from her leaving yet again..its so painful..i want my own..just to not deal with the pain..i love this little girl i really truely do..shes saved me..she makes our family complete..shes amazing in every way..but just this little thing hurts so bad and the hardest part is hiding the hurt around her..
DW - you just made me tear
DW - you just made me tear up!!
SD here is 17. Recently, she's been filling out college applications. On the common app, it asks about her bio parents... her bio mom and her bio dad. SD got really frustrated because she didn't have a place to put me. She wanted to list me somewhere, but didn't know where on the app I went. It was hard to see her struggling with something so simple.
One of the things that SD's therapist said to DH and I to do, is to not always feel the need to protect BM, or hide our true feelings. She said that when SD was really feeling bad about something her mom did, and DH and I would try to make excuses, it almost made it worse. Therapist advised us to let SD know that we too, were disappointed, or felt bad - without commenting on BM as a person. We were told to empathize and validate SD's feelings, so she would know they were "ok", without getting into it. It's very very tricky and exhausting. But if SD is sad, you can always say, "I understand, I am sad too for you, or with you, or whatever".
The way you can possibly get your SD's therapist to meet with you is to ask for the meeting but not to discuss what SD is discussing. You and see if the doctor will meet with you and your husband to give you both coping tips and parenting tips in the situation you are in. (For example, DH and I used to constantly defend or gloss over BM's antics. Having the therapist tell us to validate without criticizing was very helpful, and we wouldn't have come to that on our own.)
So, maybe you could call to see if she would help you both that way.
Hugs ... Thanks for your kind words. It really can get better!! Your triumphs may be small and far between... but they will be wonderful!
how do you get to meet with
how do you get to meet with sd therapist, my sd therapist wouldnt talk with me even though i was the one that suggested the help for my sd a while back..
we have tons of great family
we have tons of great family moments..i think its just hard on me because i hate hate hate with a passion my own bm..so i dont get how she can care about her..i went through the same things though..because my dad would be at everything and kids had their moms and mine wasnt there..it taught me to hate her so bad..but i had other women that i completely attached too...i dont call my own bm my mother shes is my bm or my half sisters mother not mine..so i just cant relate to her caring i guess about this women..like dont you see it kid??? she doesnt do it..but i guess what your saying is she does see it and she gets it..so my question is what do i say in the morning? do i tell my own life story about growing up and missing having my own bm around..what do i say to her? that i love her? that i know it hurts?? ugh kids i swear!!
DW - Just say you love her.
DW - Just say you love her. And that you will always be there for her. Because that's what she needs. A mom who isn't going to abandon her.
I can't stand SD's BM. I used to just dislike her. Now I think she is the biggest POS I have ever met.
Your SD is very young. So in my own personal opinion - and I could be wrong on this - but I think your SD needs more of the sunny side of the truth rather than the lonely sad side of the truth right now. She's already got that in her own mind, and she's dealing with it.
So when she is down, sure, share one of your stories with your SD, but in an age appropriate format and a little less detail. More on the "I got through this and see what a great family I have now!" approach. Does that make sense?
One of the things that helped me with SD over here was sharing stories about myself from my childhood, or just talking to her about what she feels. If you can take your SD to the park and on the swings, say something to try to get her to open up... stuff like that. When you are driving around. Or at home, painting your nails. So it's not a "conversation" ... it's just you guys bonding!
PS - your SD is probably too young for this, but SD here as she got into her teens started to doubt her own worth as a future mom. Because her mom sucks so much, and SD dislikes her so much, she was afraid that she would be a horrible mom. That's how much this messes them up!
You love her! She's got her daddy! That's what she needs! And don't let ANYONE give you any crap at all about being your little SD's MOM. Or saying it. Or feeling it. If they don't like it, that's their problem... not yours, and not hers.
Luv them all... She does want
Luv them all... She does want to be stepmom.
Relationship doesn't always really matter. Foster parents and adoptive parents are parents that are not related by blood, or even by dating, living with, or being married to one of the bio parents. No one would say to an adoptive parent that the child shouldn't call them mom and dad...
Any one that really cares for a child can be the child's parent. It happens all the time. OP loves the little girl enough to want to step up and be her mom,... or is already taking on that role. Since the child used to call her stepmom and doesn't anymore, that's a change, and something to be wondered about. That's all. It could reflect on SD's state of mind... including confusion and hurt about her own bio mom and why she isn't there more, doing all the mom things.
It is something to be noticed... but I do think that it is something that will change back for dwjbwc in time.
I understand the OP's
I understand the OP's feelings on this...luv you know i mostly agree with you but you keep bringing this point up about "well you aren't the smom, you are JUST the 'girlfriend'?"
What is this about? Do you realize that tons of people because of divorce rates chose to not marry again but still live a fully devoted family life where they are just as big a part of that step-family as the married ones?
Many people take on fully committed relationships, and full role as partner, step-parent w/out a marriage certificate. It does not make their commitment and family unit any less whole or important then being married on paper IMO.
If she's been a part of the girls life for a long time of course she will feel a bond and parental towards here. It's OK for her to have her feelings hurt.
I've seen you bring this up a few times as if disparging the relationships that aren't married. And it really annoys me.
People have been through divorces -people lose their trust in the institution perhaps but NOT in commitment, love and devotion and loyalty and full responsibility.
IMO it takes more commitment and love and devotion to stay with your partner for good w/OUT being obligated by a piece of paper. Some people are too scared to get married-or put it off for many reasons (financial, emotional, what have you)...does not make their relationship/status any less valid...perhaps in the eyes of the law, but it shouldn't in SOCIETY. We are people first and foremost that should respect others relationships and commitments-whether it's backed by a certificate legally or not. JMO.