The end I keep waiting for keeps moving further away.
It's not a big deal really. Every so often I just feel so fed up and depressed about it all. I hate living with SD17. Her original plan was to leave 2 years ago, then it was Summer 2011 and now it appears it might be after she goes to college for another ?? years.
I do my utmost to pretend everything is ok and disengage as much as possible. She does her best to pretend she likes me too. Every so often something small creates a row. Probably nothing new there. My husband is a therapist and seems to think it's his role to be the 'go between'. He says his feelings have changed towards me because of the way I feel about his daughter. I should love her because she's a good kid and because she's his daughter.
He's now found out there's a problem with his heart. Hopefully not much - he can be a bit dramatic and is still to have tests. If I hadn't burnt my bridges, used my finances to set us up and acquired 4 dogs, I would have left by now.
He says he can't carry on like this and 'won't carry on like this'. I told him that this is as good as it gets from me. Not from lack of trying or wanting to, but I just can't do it any better or do it the way he wants. So the ball's in his court. I told him I'm staying here until the house is sold. If it means getting rid of the dogs, it would tear me apart, but I'd do it, I feel so unable to be the way he wants. She went away to her mother and sister's for the summer holidays and it was bliss. DH and I patched together our relationship from the tatters she'd left it in. It's highly unlikely she will be away again because of the flight costs.
I'm just praying (not that I'm particularly religious) that something will happen and she will leave. I hope there will be sufficient left between me and DH to patch it together. He say's he's afraid he will resent me if she goes because I didn't make her feel welcome.
It's just sad for the three of us. However, I pointed out to him that I can't go for x,y,z reasons; he can't go for a,b,c reasons and she has decided not to go.
Just felt like a moan - sorry to bore anyone who was good enough to read this.
All the best to you all out there - it's certainly hell on earth.
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I had the same problem with
I had the same problem with my DH. Early in our marriage - first year, second year.... his SD was giving me HELL. I had my own DD's in the house too, and SD was such a pill. Stealing from her sisters, screaming and talking back, sneaking out of the house.... and she was THE YOUNGEST!!!!
The more issues we had, the more upset he got. I suppose since he had never raised her, only had weekend visits, when she came to live with us on her request.... and all the drama started... he associated her teenage drama with me, and my girls... and it became OUR FAULT.
Several times he would say.... I'm f'd either way. I'll resent you if she has to move to her moms to save our marriage, and I'll be miserable if you and your girls leave us.
In the end.... she left to move into her moms.... I begged her to stay... he appreciated my effort...and we stayed together.
She has been back and forth twice since then. She is still a pill. I try to never say anything real mean about her. I just act "concerned".... and let it go at that.
DH appreciates it, and loves me for not constantly pointing out what a BRAT his daughter is... and now... we are looking at just this year and she will graduate from HS and we can send her on to college.
So... if you love your husband. Sit and talk. Try to save your marriage. You are almost on the home stretch.
IF she wants to hang around and attend school.... is there any chance you can afford to put her up in an apartment if she were to get a part time job? Or a room mate?
Maybe offer to help her for two years if she moves out (kind of like paying child support)..... she just might take you up on it!!!
Good Luck!
Thanks for your comments
Thanks for your comments VAStepMom
Money is really tight, which is one of the problems we have (BM doesn't contribute much). You are right and I will try to hang on to my marriage. Talking to DH about it just ends in rows and we've got to the stage of agreeing to disagree and avoiding the subject. We are just at such different ends of the subject - I can appreciate how he feels and he says he can appreciate how I feel, but it still doesn't alter the fact that these feelings are ultimately causing each other grief. I'm glad you have found a way of dealing with it, as difficult as that must be. All the very best to you.
Kilby - if you husband is a
Kilby - if you husband is a therapist why can't he see that it is okay to have a relationship with you and also okay that you and SD tolerate each other and nothing more. You can not expect someone to love a child that is not their own - especially if there are underlying issues. As bios parents sometimes we can't stand our children but have to suck it up because there is no one to give them to.
If you two are going to make it he has to respect your feelings as well as his daughters - but since you could be there for years he needs to start taking your feeling into account. And to say that he will resent you if his daughter goes away is BS - she is becoming an adult she is supposed to go away - sounds like he needs to grow up quite frankly.
If all was well when she was gone why can't he see that and realize that children go to college move out and now it is you two's time!
Your comments will keep a
Your comments will keep a smile on my face for the rest of the day!
Thank you
I think therapists are probably the worst at solving their own problems!
My latest strategy is trying SAMe tablets on DH (after seeing Dr Amen program and reading his book). They are very pricy, but if it stops him going over and over things making mountains out of mole hills, it will be worth it. Only just started them, so too soon to assess results. I tried the 5HTP, which are working great for me - I've lost about 12 pounds so far and have a perfect excuse (healthy eating plan) not to be cooking for SD.
Thanks so much for your wise words