I feel like I'm drowning
I am new on here and I feel terrible about how I feel about my new SD. I need to vent and hopefully learn that maybe I'm not a crazy person for feeling this way!
She just turned 7 and she is very needy and whiney and can't even play by herself. She sits in her room or sticks her head out the window if we are outside and listens to everything me and my DH say. She has to be attached to his hip all the time. I now have her on my own in the afternoons before DH gets off work and she is perfectly behaved and always is creating imaginative games to play by herself, but as soon as DH gets home she is crying saying shes bored and we are so mean to her and she needs time with us etc etc. My DH spends an incredible amount of time with her and she gets on the phone with her BM and says that he hits her and that we lock her in her room all the time (she doesn't even have a door on her room) and then makes her BM get on the phone with my DH and scream at him about lies.
You might say I'm being overly sensitive but I swear she does everything she can to get between me and my DH. She talks over me when I am talking and anytime we actually get a moment with each other she throws a temper tantrum and cries over some imagined injury or some story about "along time ago...before we met YOU"
My DH is my soul mate and over the summer when she was at the BM's we got along great and have never been happier, but when it comes to her we can't agree because I come from a very disciplined background and he feels so guilty about the divorce that he overcompensated and believes that nothing she is doing is wrong. I sometimes worry that we wont make it just because of her and her outbursts. And admitting all of this makes me feel horrible about myself because at heart I am a teacher and have been around all types of children for years and have never felt this negatively about a child in my life. Help!
I am going through the same
I am going through the same thing. I don't think it gets better unless DH decides he's not going to let her do this anymore. Maybe you could pick on thing that really bothers you, like her bedtime or when she does something rude. Focus on that and just take it one step at a time. Or maybe draw on things from teaching, such as writing the rules down or something.
She really is just doing what a 7 year old will do, you're taking her daddy away. NOTHING WILL CHANGE UNLESS HE CHOOSES TO HELP YOU CHANGE IT.
Yea I have lived with them
Yea I have lived with them for over a year now and I implemented a sticker reward chart for good days (I could only get him to agree to positive reinforcement not discipline at the time)and he has come a long way (he will put her in time out if she gets in serious trouble at school), but he still only sees what she does as wrong when she gets in trouble at school or daycare. When we are home he can't see when she is being disrespectful or just trying to get attention. And if I mention that something she does bothers me he gets defensive and acts as if I just said he was the worst parent in the world or something. We have been in counseling with her for several months and it seems like he feels like her bad behavior is his cross to bear so he refuses to see the negative because he sees it as his short-comings. I keep trying to explain to him that it isnt his fault and that having a BM that threw things, slammed doors and yelled all the time couldnt have helped her learn how to control herself.
I kind of stopped my b/f in
I kind of stopped my b/f in his tracks one day when his daughter was not listening, she was kicking the back of the seat in the car (she's 8 she can control it). I let my irritation show and was kind of sharp with her (after asking nicely about 4 times). I teach as well (well I'm subbing while I get my masters). He said "you wouldn't talk like that to one of your students" and I replied "my students would be in trouble after I had to ask them twice. If you're going to compare my actions to the classroom we had better start comparing hers. She gets away with a lot more at home". Maybe if you compare it to the classroom? When he realized that students get it trouble for less at school than we let her get away with at home I think it helped him put things into perspective.
It's just harder for you because your husband refuses to work with you or acknowledge her faults. I know I said it before but you can't expect her to act any different than she is.
As far you you feeling crazy about the situation, you're not. It's ok to feel irritated with her, she's a kid, that's what kids do, drive adults crazy
I really wish I had better advice to give you because the more I read your stuff the more I can relate. My b/f gets very defensive when I try to address differences in parenting styles. He won't even let me into her life enough to feel that I can make parenting choices.
Best of luck
Thank you I appreciate it. It
Thank you I appreciate it. It does sound like we have similar situations. Hopefully one day I will find the right words to disarm him before I say anything about her so that we can have a conversation about her behavior instead of him getting defensive and refusing to talk about it but until then I will keep trying and do the best I can to make it work.
You totally cracked me up! I
You totally cracked me up! I have recently taken the same stance. I have taken a completely hands off approach when she is around but it is hard because she is so disrespectful to me and my husband and it is hard to watch her pull him apart and make him feel guilty over nothing. But I am trying to just keep my mouth shut (never been a strong point for me haha) although if she crosses a line with me directly I do say something and I too have heard "why are you so mean?" more times than I can count. I just told him that I have too much respect for myself to let anyone treat me that way and she knows better and that helped a little. But she definately makes the rules for herself and her daddy most of the time. Thanks for your input it really did help!
I think it is very
I think it is very interesting that you feel it is not only appropriate but also necessary to judge my husband by one vent that I had. Since you don't know either one of us, I would appreciate if you would refrain from doing so again. I will not judge you based on your vicious post because maybe you were just having a bad day or I struck a nerve for you. I wish you only happiness and hope you can give me the same courtesy.
One thing that worked for me,
One thing that worked for me, was waiting until skids "embarrassed" their father by their nasty behavior in public or around others.
I would quietly point out..... "that was embarrassing. Did you see how your mother looked at you? I think she was waiting for a response. Your brother rolled his eyes...." Then explained how others perceive what he is willing to ignore. Soon enough, the very next time SD pulled her baloney.... he was on it.
I also learned that if you talk to the skids with respect, even if you are making a direct point (without sarcasm)... you will get respect. But, if you use sarcasm and act like you have no control over your emotions........ they will just consider you a nasty SM....and will treat you as such and consider their behavior a victory.
You are allowed to have your limits. Asking a young skid to stop doing something more than once is a perfect example. Educate DH and tell him, from now on when I request the skid stops doing something.... they get one chance to do it.... after that.... I will respond accordingly.
Tell the skids your new rule. They will have advance notice. Then be consistent.
Also.... I suggest, for the dinner issue.... skid crying, and boo hooing..... that as soon as that starts, they get one chance to stop. If they continue, they leave the table, and be taken to their room until dinner is over. Do not suggest DH eat with the child in the other room. That gives skid a private dinner with daddy and will NOT make your point.
Again, if the kids realize that you are no nonsense.... they will NOT cross you. But, that being said... you also have to be fun and loving at other times.
Discussion with DH needs to be around the fact that you cannot tolerate loud, obnoxious drama by the skids aimed at ruining your day..... That the skids are NOT in control of the house. They are the children, and YOU are the parents.
Good Luck.
Thanks guys! A lot of you
Thanks guys! A lot of you have good insight
Crayon- There is definately a manipulative BM and she lives halfway across the country and still calls to "check in" meaning get some kind of dirt on DH and then scream at him for hours and demand he give up custody until he convinces her she's being unreasonable. Also during her last visit with SD she convinced her that DH is holding her hostage and that if DH and I have children they will NOT be her siblings in anyway because BM is her mother not me. Needless to say she came back a little confused and it was hard to be around her for a few weeks while she spewed her mother's venom my way and all the while I stayed calm and answered her questions even when they hurt. I did try very hard at first to be involved and for a little while SD kept saying she wished I was her "new mommy" and I would tell her that she has a mommy who loves her and I can be her step-mom who also loves her. But that all ended as soon as she had her first visit with BM. I don't know if I will ever recreate the bonding we had started before the summer since she now feels guilty about even talking to me. But I hope one day she grows up to see how BM really is and who was dependable for her in life.