If I need new sneakers I'll just sell pot

SS16 went home to BM's house at 5:30 (late from school), went in, picked up some clothes, and started to go back out again. She asked him where he was going and he wouldn't say more than "out". There were some bags of things from the store in their place, purchased by her BF for his kids - BM thought they looked like somebody had gone through them, so she asked SS if he had done that. SS's reply: "I know there are sneakers in there and I don't need them - if I need sneakers I don't need your money I'll just go sell pot." At that point he walked out despite BM telling him he couldn't go.

BM called SO. BM gave SO the number of the kid that SS left with. SO called the number and told the mother of the other kid that SS did not have permission to be out with her son, and to please tell him to go home if he arrived at her house. He never heard back from her.

A little later, BM called SO again. SS had just called her from a cell phone (SS doesn't have his own any more). SS gave BM some bullshit and wouldn't tell her where he was or when he was coming back.

BM gave SO the cell number SS had called from. SO called it back. A kid answered and said he didn't know anyone by SS's name. SO said, "look, he just called his mother from this number, and if you don't put him on the phone I'm calling the cops and giving them this number."

What do you know, the other kid puts SS on the phone.

SO tells SS that SS does not have permission to be out and he needs to go back to BM's. He repeats it several times, and tells SS that if he doesn't go home, SO will call the cops.

SS tells SO "go ahead, call the cops, I'm done with you."

So BM, SO, and I all went down to the police station together. Now, BM pretty much hates me, and I really don't like her either. It's not usually a problem because we literally don't speak the same language. But at this point, all three of us want the same thing - help to get SS back on the right track. We felt we'd be taken seriously if they could see that we all have the same goal. BM and I have never actually had a conversation in 6 years. But I could see how upset she was, so I did tell her I was sorry and I knew she had done everything she could for SS, just as we had.

The police really didn't do much for us. They gave us the number of family intervention. And they said if SS doesn't show up at BM's tonight, she should come back in the morning and fill out a missing person's report. They also said curfew is 10PM so if they see him on the street after that they can pick him up.

So SS has made it very clear he has no respect for his mother, talking about selling pot right to her face, and no respect for his father, telling him "I'm done with you." Neither of them has a prayer of getting him back on track at this point. And the police can't do much to help.

I guess SO will call the number for family intervention tomorrow.

We all did everything we could for this kid.

LizGrace65's blog
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Lady, I'm so sorry. That

Lady, I'm so sorry. That sounds terrible. I hope and pray for the best with the intervention but I know that with people like that there's not much you can do to get them back on track until they're ready to be. Let's hope that that happens for your SS before it's too late.

Kudos for maintaining a united front with the BM. It's not always easy when we have personal differences but being able to put that aside for a common goal is a wonderful thing. All of you being united and on the same team with regards to SS removes the complication of the kid playing his parents off of each other and it's good you guys seem to recognize that.

Keep us updated.

Thanks - I hope something

Thanks - I hope something changes before it's too late as well.

SO went out to play pool for a while. I'm home alone. SO texted me that BM called him and said SS showed up at her house. SO told BM to let him know if SS makes trouble and BM needs SO to go over there. I don't have any issue with that if it comes down to it. BM told her boyfriend to stay out of it because SS already has a father - but SO has no issue with BM's boyfriend doing what he needs to do to keep SS in line. I suggested to SO that he may want to talk to BM about allowing her boyfriend to draw the line as man of her house.

I'm home alone at night pretty often (SO goes to play pool most nights for a few hours), and with SS acting like this, I get scared sometimes. I keep the lights low and the sound on the TV quiet so I can hear if anything goes on outside. SS lives less than half a mile from here, and with the way he's acting lately I don't know what he's capable of.

I said that to SO, and he says that SS knows what lines he can't cross. But I'm not so sure. To me he's acting plain crazy, and when somebody's like that they don't care about lines. SO has a much clearer view of SS than he used to, and has been very good about enforcing tough love - but he still doesn't see that he's still giving SS the benefit of the doubt in this one area, when SS is not the kid we thought he was - and maybe he never was that kid.

I hope I'm just worrying over nothing.

I'll update when I hear how it went with SS at BM's.

WOW Liz, it just gets worse

WOW Liz, it just gets worse and worse with SS. I so wish that SS would wise up and stop acting like a punk and get his shit together, but with so much that has gone on with him I don't know if anyone would be able to trust him again and would SO take him back? Maybe foster care is the way to go with him. I wish I had more sage advice, but I am sorely lacking. I think you both are doing what you think is best. He has made decisions and now has to live with the consequences of them. I have to wonder if him getting caught by the police doing something stupid like selling pot is what needs to happen to him. It's hard for even me to see a kid I have grown so fond of go down this distructive, disrespectful, punk like path.

As for here Julia has decided that she wants to see her father after refusing to see him for months, but doesn't want to come to the house. Obstensibly because I'm such a terrible person, or perhaps because I simply don't put up with her shit. The last time she was here was because she wanted something from me, to alter her prom dress. I did it, but never got so much as a thank you from her. I will not be helping out again until she grows some manners. My guess is that Julia is only seeing DH because she wants something. If DH gives in it could be very detrimental to our relationship. A huge part of me wishes that Julia would just stay the hell away.

I miss you. I miss talking with you. Have left u messages, but no replies. I don't know what to do.
You are on my mind a lot.

Anne Elizabeth

Well, at least he's

Well, at least he's industrious. Given the choice between exerting 15 minutes of effort mowing the lawn or wrapping their feet in newspapers and duct tape because they didn't want to work for a new pair of sneakers, my BS11 and SS12 would go buck naked. I have to fake an asthma attack to get them to take the trash to the end of the driveway.

Foxie hit the nail on the

Foxie hit the nail on the head. This isn't really about pot specifically. It's about SS's beliefs and attitudes, and where they are taking him. And it's not a question of *any* of SS's parents letting him slide - all three of us have tried everything we are capable of to divert him from this path. We're getting nowhere.

So yes, I think what we'll probably do is try to have him declared a danger (note - without going into specifics, all punishments at home have been tried, none have been effective). None of us has an issue with SS having to go to foster care or juvie, or a mental ward - any place where powers greater than us dictate what he can and can't do. We need help from outside at this point.

The plan over the next week or so is threefold. First, SO is going to have a talk with SS (they have not been in contact) to both warn SS again that he is going in the wrong direction, and to assess where SS is coming from at this point (how bad is it). Second, we are waiting for his progress report from school, to see exactly how bad his grades are (if they are any good at all, I'll be surprised as hell, and it will work against us parents saying he has a problem). And three, SO is going to work with BM to get access to SS's laptop, so that I can install monitoring software. I had it on our home PC and should have put it on there when SS was here in the summer - but I was both being nice, and disengaging (sorry about it now!).

So over the short term we'll be gathering a lot more information which we can use to get an idea what our chances of success are in having him declared a danger.

Plan two is this: BM already had the cops over at her place a week ago over a different issue with SS. At that time, they told BM that the place wasn't suitable and she should have a bigger place for SS (it is one room). BM told the cops that what she has is all she can afford, and they can call whoever they want about it (this is quite common in our town - many low income areas). The cops gave her a break and didn't call DYFS. We're thinking we may out and out ask them to call, or call ourselves (with BM's knowledge). If we do that, SS will virtually certainly be removed to foster care immediately. And if SS refuses to come back here and/or SO refuses to take him - *both* of which are very likely - SS will stay there. Then if he pulls this crap of not listening when he's told what he can and can't do, there will be consequences. And if he escalates, the consequences will get worse until he *does* end up in juvie.

He's not responding to any of us no matter what we try. So we're looking to involve greater authorities before he does something with permanent consequences.

Thanks for all of the support.

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