I ask myself the same questions everyday. Everybody's situration is different but have lots in commom. Lot's of variables that don't match yours. But for me.

Is it worth it? : For me I have to say a weak yes, Why? Not to sure why, maybe it's because I love my DW so much.

Why do I stay? : For me I have a lot of time and $$$ invested in it and I don't want to throw it all away. It's hard but it's bearable and because I love my DW so much.

Does it get better? : For me, not really, my SS17 is still here and is getting ready to go to college, so Lots more $$$$$$$$$$$$$ and no appreciation. I don't think he will ever go away even when he moves out, assuming he does.

Yes, as like yourself this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I struggle with it everyday. You put so much of your feelings into someone else's kids everyday and you don't even get a thank you. This life is not for everybody that is for sure. Everyday you hope that it will get better but it doesn't. There will be moments that look bright but as soon as you see it, it turns dark again. And you ask yourself what just happened. I get angry alot and have to learn how to deal with it. This site has really helped me out and gives me a chance to vent and share my experiance. I have been doing this for 7 years now and it's a battle everyday. One of the things that I keep in my mind is that I am the adult and they are the kids. It's all about the kids and not ME. Do I love my SS17, not really, I'm not sure why I put him before myself. Maybe because I had my chance as a kid and he is still one. Sometimes I think why me and why couldn't someone else deal with this kid. I guess you can say that I made my bed and now I have to sleep in it.

Welcome StepDadOzark. Glad you found this site. It does help to put things down in writing sometimes and dissipate the negative feelings (if you can). Even if no-one replies to your posts or the advice given is way over the top....just hang in there.

To answer your questions:

Is it worth it, and why?

For me it is worth it, as i have found a partner in life who respects me, loves me and stands up for me, which I never had before in my 2 failed marriages. When we met (5 years ago) we both had nothing..no furniture, no household goods, nothing to start a family with. We lived in a one bed mud hut with 2 kids (1 his & 1 mine) for a year until things got better. Now we have our own business (a music school), rent a 3 bed house with a pool and have paid off my sequestration and about to start his. It's a hard life sometimes and I sometimes think that I have it the worst because I run the business and the home (which means I babysit his ADD son of 14 who pushes all my buttons at the same time) & my DD11 while he works full-time, teaches in the evenings and gigs on the weekends - but he also has it tough because he is always so exhausted.

Why do you stay?

Because I really do love him. I feel that he is my soulmate and completes me as a person. We are like best friends and share all our ups and downs with each other. He accepts me for who I am and appreciates all I do for him and SS14. I want to grow old with him. I cannot imagine my life on my own again and I have been a single mom twice in my life...it was a lot harder than this.

Does it ever get any better, before they move out, assuming they ever do?

For me..it gets better 4 times a year when SS14 goes away to stay with his BM and DD11 goes to her dad. That is our special time when FDH and I get to do what we want...go out to dinner, go away for a weekend etc. During school terms...no it just seems that the sh*t stays and the heap gets bigger... I try to pick my battles carefully and also to ignore things which send my blood pressure to the ceiling. I stay in my room a lot, do my own thing and switch off. SS14 & I are alone at home every Wednesday (he's in home school)and I just let him watch TV the whole day (if he does his homework or not, I don't care - FDH can deal with that). I stay in my room, do my admin work, read e-mails, do housework and come onto this site to read about how others deal with this madness. It helps. Disengaging is a wonderful tool for stepparents and I have used it often. You should google it and try it. About the moving out part of your question. That's up to you and your SO. You will have to be firm and make sure that they understand that they cannot live there forever. We tell our kids now already that we have plans to tour the world on cruise liners while entertaining(we are musicians),when they leave.

Good luck
MG

Welcome, it's nice to see a step dad on here.

Is it worth it, and why?
Step parenting can be hard work and brings all sorts of issues and tensions even if your step children are nice. Your relationship with your partner is the bedrock of everything, and that's where you should look for your appreciation and reward. You can't expect children to be constantly appreciative, or understand how much you do for them, although if you're lucky that comes with time. It's only worth it if your partner appreciates you, demonstrates that, and is supportive of you and your role both in private and in front of the children.

Why do you stay?
Because actually I'm mostly very happy, I have 2 young children of my own with DH, and because we have reached a point where disagreements and tension relating to the SKids are sporadic rather than constant, so it's manageable. I also care about my Skids a great deal.

Does it ever get any better, before they move out, assuming they ever do?
For me, yes it got better, and things improved a lot at the 3/4 year point because a. We got counselling b. We got married and I had my first child with my DH c. We moved and made a fresh start in a new home with some clearer rules d. My older step children started to emerge from the difficult teen years (I have 5 SKids, 23, 20, 19, 14 and 13) and e. I had tenure and everybody began to accept me and my role and authority more.

Welcome StepDadOzark. I hope you are able to get what you need from this site as so many of us have.

Is it worth it?
My own personal thought is an old saying "Anything worth having is worth fighting for". As hard as it is with skids, my DH has been in the trenches fighting (for our relationship) with me. He may not be the kind of dad his kids need, but there is no one else on this planet that I can see myself growing old with, so I will fight the good fight until it is done/gets better/one of us dies.

Why do I stay?
I have been praying for over 10 years about this. (my DH and I dated for just at 10 yrs before finally getting married earlier this year). I truely believe that I am here for a reason. Whether it be to help DH make it through life with kids and to be his mate "till death do us part", or did God put me with this wonderful man to help his kids have a better role model in life.

Does it ever get better?
For me it has it's ups and downs. The saving grace of this roller coaster ride is that the ups are better than they used to be, but then again, the downs are getting worse. I am one of those steps that just can't wait for the skids to be old enough to move out on their own and prays every day they DO move out when it's time.

I think it all boils down to what you (as a person/adult/step) can handle in your life. Wishing you lots of luck!!

Welcome! Those seem like simple questions; I have been pondering them for awhile...
When we first got together 11Y ago; things were easy SD was 2 then and we got along; then we had 3 more... Things got gradually worse and by then it was too late to just walk away. You are tied together in so many ways; whether it be $ - mortgages, lots of kids etc... It is really hard to just walk away over SK. Yes they are brats and it is good to vent; but I am not sure I would be willing to give up my life and hubby for it.

Each situation is different and every person has their limits; it really is all about what you are willing to put up with.

Good Luck; and yes this site is the BEST!!

Here's how I did it:

I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:

The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.

First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.

Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.

They could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.

I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.

You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be pleased at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.

I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. I took my spouse and SKs camping on occasion when my kids weren't around. I offered the s-kids advise on living in our world and made the obvious comments when it came to safety and such. But I never made it a judgement. May favorite comment was "Do what you think is in your best interest". It sums it all up. What you sow is what you reap.

Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".

Their mother came to realize that I wasn't over-reacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.

With that things got much easier around the house.

Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me and turned out just fine.

Well I don't mean to sound rude; but since you are DOING the bulk that requires a lot of patience and that is a long hard question you have to ask yourself - what UR willing to do... Do they treat you bad? R they disrepectful? If so; then just refuse to do it. I am told we, as SP don't have rights; so why should we get ALL this responsibility - especailly if your not treated well. If you are then....