Separating our relationships with our children
Not sure if that was the right subject line but I'm wondering and questioning something my husband and I have decided may be in the best interest of our marriage. We have been married 8 years and our 3 daughters are 29, 25 and 24. I have 2 stepdaughters who really resent and/or dislike me. I honestly entered my marriage with open arms and an open heart and tried the best I could to develop a relationship with them. I felt sorry for both of them because 5 years prior to my marrying their father their mother had died of cancer (42 years old). Over the years it seems things have gone from difficult to disaterous as far as any relationship between us. I have been disrespected and my marriage has taken a beating.
Last weekend after yet another "round" of arguments because my husband just wants everyone to get along and be a family, we decided that maybe it would be best if we keep our lives with our biological children separate. I guess what this means is that we will not all be getting together for holidays, birthdays, etc. I think I feel I am just exhausted with all of the bad feelings I am willing to try ANYTHING! My husband has a great relationship with my bio daughter but it just doesn't seem fair for some reason that he gets to be a part of her life but I am not going to be a part of his daughters lives. I'm feeling confused and emotionally messed up but this may be the only way to save our marriage at this point.
Anyone have any comments, ideas or has anyone actually seperated their relationships like this?
Goforit, I do hear you! For
Goforit, I do hear you! For so many years I felt obligated and guilted to be a part of my husband's family functions and to try more with my stepsons than I did with my own children only to get continual disrespect from my stepsons and was terribly uncomfortable around my husband's family......just different people than I would choose for friends and cannot belive in their beliefs and their ways of living. I accept it as theirs but we have nothing in common except an interest in my husband.
Before my younger stepson and I reconnected (he came back from the war as a "new" man) I told my husband that as long as he was willing to move forward and he didn't start popping off with his disrespectful comments (which husband allowed when he was young so he feels he can treat me this way, something I never allowed of my girls with their stepdad) I would be fine. I told my husband if stepson started in on me just one more time I was gone for good this time.
It was just a matter of time and I knew in my heart as I raised this little turd who is now 26 and thinks he knows more than God himself. I did this out of guilt as my husband was on me about forgiving and moving on, etc. I felt obligated to try. I tried alright and got it all back in my face, bigger this time than ever before, he even told his dad off this time. That was it for me. I would never take such treatment from my childrena dn I am not going to allow for this type of behavior from my stepson under any condition.
Since disconnecting and getting my emotions back in check I feel so much stronger about my decisions I have made concerning my husband's family and feel more at peace than ever before. It feels like a cut a huge burden out of my life and I realize too that I have no obligation to the boys or my husband's family. They can, and will, feel what they wish and that is fine. Blame me, I am fine with it. We obviously do not get along so there is no sense in us trying any longer.
Very true StepAside,
Very true StepAside, something I tried to tell my husband time and time again. Husband even let his loud mouth sister come between us. I told him he was the one allowing for this and he was the only one that could stop it. I think he thought he was keeping peace, just wanted everyone to get along but like you said if the family feels they can side one against the other or get the support from dad they never have to accept or respect stepmom.
My husband realized this too late. It was after the boys had moved out on their own and he caught them inlies himself, nothing new as I had been telling him for years these things were happening but he always made excuses for thier behavior. Once they are adults and 15+ years have passed it's too late for mending.
Thank you everyone for
Thank you everyone for responding. I know my hubby pretty well and to be honest I don't believe for one minute he will be satisfied or happy if we divide our time with our own biological children. I think the disrespect has gone on for so long now that even if my husband wanted to change things he couldn't. I'm not sure he will ever truly understand or agree that all of my bitching, anger, hurt and frustration has been because I wanted to be his partner in life and wanted him to put our marriage first and foremost.
I could go on and on but I won't. I'm not sure what the future holds for my marriage but I know that the years of hurt feelings have slowly pushed me away. I try to forget it and just love my husband but then it creeps back up and it feels the rest of my life I will feel this way.
We've been through marriage counseling previously but it didn't work obviously. Someone told me about a book called "Boundaries" that I plan to get right away. Anyone know of any other books that might help.
Again, thank you.
Here are some books/papers I
Here are some books/papers I found useful:
1) The invisible Web: Patterns in Family Relationships by Marianne Walter/Peggy Carter
2) Status issues in stepfamilies by John Mariner
3) Stepmonster by Dr. Wednesday Martin
4) Forced to be family - Cheryl Dellasega
5) Step Wars by Grace Gabe & Jean Lipman-Blumen
6) Emotional Incest by Patricia Love
7) Woman's inhumanity to Woman by Phylis Chesler
8 ) Emotional Unavailability by Bryn C. Collins
You can read excerpts from most online and decide from there if it something you would like to read.
Thanks for the tip maux. That
Thanks for the tip maux. That is definitely a book I am going to use!
Minnow I do understand, we
Minnow I do understand, we are dealing with the same situation and infact I was getting on here to post pretty much what you posted yourself. My daughters accept their stepdad, my husband, and we can have a real good time together but my stepsons a whole different case. I had to seperate myself from them entirely.
Do you have a relationship with your husband's family? Or do they view you as part of the problem?
The reason I ask is my inlaws who I once got along fine with and seemed so happy the boys had a mother that actually cared felt at a certain point that the troubles between me and the boys were because of me and so I disconnected from my husband's side of the family as well.
Oh yes SD wedding memories.
Oh yes SD wedding memories. There were many nasty things done to me, but this one stands out as the absolute worst and most unforgivable.
Like your DH, mine also did the same thing—deserted me. Before and after dinner, never saw him. I am sure if there hadn’t have been a seating arrangement for dinner I wouldn’t have even seen him at dinner. He was off mingling, flirting and dancing, with everyone else; nasty enough but still not the worst.
My daughter (21 at the time) and I were sitting alone, along comes one of DH’s family and invites her to sit at a table with the other young people (all older than her). Eager to get to know them, she agrees. She sits at the table with 8 other young people, and within 2 minutes, I look over and there she is sitting at the table alone. Every last one of those nasty evil little shits had left her sitting alone at the table that they had invited her to, because they allegedly ALL had to dance. She gave them the benefit of the doubt, but when the second dance began and not one of them returned to the table, she returned to me, we promptly extended an (unearned) thank you to BM for inviting us and left the reception or should I say rejection.
I feel to this day, that was a deliberate set up to let me especially know, just exactly how inhuman I am to them and what depths they would go to to show me just that. I wish I could say that was the end of it, and I learned my lesson, but I (without any of my children, I wasn’t going to subject them to further set ups) went back for more and even nastier punishment, and never once did my DH ever support me. But, I did finally get the message loud and clear, and they will never see or hear from me ever again. DH can go visit them any time he wants to without me. If he doesn’t go to visit them, that is because he doesn’t want to. I am not stopping him, but DH you aren’t going to use me as your shield anymore. You face your children’s rage all on your own.
It is much better for me now, and I really couldn’t care less if it isn’t good for them. They called too many shots in our marriage for 17 years, and now they can live with them.