Just Married.... Bio Mom is tearing us apart already
To anyone who is reading this, I am so grateful to have a place to vent. I can no longer handle the issues my stepson's bio mom have presented. I have been with my husband for over two years and we just recently were married about three months ago. I adore my stepson and my husband. My bio daughter lives with me full time and she loves them too. My stepson has always seemed a little distant from me and lately he has been very disrespectful. It's really hard to know why because he won't talk to me. His mother, the bio mom, has a history of mental unstability. In the past I've had to stop any communication with her because she lacks the capability of rational thought. Since I married my husband I've taken gradually more responsibility in my stepson's life. Bio Mom texts my husband up to 20 times per day and he rarely returns text messages. It is impossible to communicate with bio mom because she has control issues. A phone conversation consists of her ranting for long periods of time and are very one sided. i suspect she has substance abuse issues as well. Last night I asked bio mom, via text, to keep me more informed in scheduling with my stepson, etc... She has been asking my husband to have me do favors for her. I felt if she needed to ask me something, she should ask me directly and not through my husband. Well, this opened a can of worms. She explained to me that she doesn't care for me and I am not important in my stepsons life and that he really dislikes me and complains about me all of the time to her.
I was speechless. I knew things were strained with my stepson... but none of this made sense. She then continued to bash me via text and phone until I asked her to stop. She still continued until I threatened to call the police. I have since blocked her from sending text messages to my and my husbands phone and request that phone calls only be made in emergency situations and that we communicate via e-mail. This is to limit the constant harassment.
I don't know what else to do. I've reached out to a local stepparenting support group and plan on taking stepparenting classes. I want my stepson to have a happy and healthy life and I will do whatever I have to to provide that for him.
I have to admit, though, that sometimes I feel like I can't handle of this and I just can't make any positive progress. The idea of splitting from my husband even crossed my mind today, which is really awful!! I'm really feeling scared that I may not be able to resolve any of this.
If you read this thank you, any advice is greatly welcomed!
Document everything. Print
Document everything. Print off the texts. Protect yourself legally.
AGREE! You don't say how old
AGREE!
You don't say how old SS is (not that it matters in cases of PAS) but, it is truly up to you and your hubby just how much time this woman is going to get. If DH is in agreement that BM and he only need to communicate if there is an emergency... then good! Big first step. She can only get to you if you let her. Sounds like she is trying awfully hard. If your marriage is bulletproof, no worries. Let it roll off your back. Words are only words. Treat SS with the same respect you would like, and no more. In the end, he will either fly or fall. Not your kid, not your problem. Don't try to play intermediary, it is not your job. Try to disengage when possible. Spend your time building a strong relationship with DH. That is really your only job as far as I can see.
Best of luck!
Wow, it sounds like you and
Wow, it sounds like you and hubby are great together and you are in a much better place than most of us with being a stepparent, meaning you actually like the skid and want the best for him. Given that, and the young age of the kids, why don't you move far far far away? I know it sounds radical, but I don't think any court would grant custody to the BM you are describing. If you want the best for skid, it sounds like allowing him to grow up in your loving home without the negativity of BM would be the best thing. It would certainly be best for you and your hubby and for your daughter. Skid is only 5 right? He will adjust quickly and start loving his new life....as will you. P.S. don't forget to change hubby's phone number!
Our BM was crazy too and did
Our BM was crazy too and did all sorts of harassing things.
We had a "no contact" unless emergency order put into our CO. This helped tremendously. I am not saying that she doesn't occasionally still call for a non emergency issue, but it has helped SOOO much. It was worth the lawyer fees.
Agreed! BM used to constantly
Agreed! BM used to constantly text DH for no reason, not related to kid. It was rediculous, DH finally told BM not to contact him unless it was something he needed to know or be asked about the child. Since then, his phone isn't going off every 30 seconds with stupid sh%t. It's so nice
My advise....I would let your
My advise....I would let your DH communicate with his ex. There is no reason, short an actual emergency, that necessitates contact between the two of you. I've been a stepmother for 10+ years. We were non-custodial for a while and got custody several years ago, so I've been on both sides of that issue. I never talk to my husband's ex. In the last 10 years, I might have had 3 conversations with her. I'll communicate with her by email if I absolutely have to...meaning my DH is out of town and I have a sick or injuries child. Other than that, I let my husband deal with her. I get that sometimes you feel like you need to email her. You don't. We are full time, 100% custodial to my stepkids. My DH travels a lot. He is gone for weeks at a time. Most of the time, I can't reach him except in a true emergency. I still manage to parent my stepkids without communicating directly with his ex-wife. If there were an emergency, I would (and have) called her. But that's it.
This works for two reasons (1) I didn't marry her. I shouldn't have to directly deal with her. It's less drama for me. (2) She didn't marry me. She is under no obligation to co-parent with me. She doesn't have to work with me. She doesn't have to like me. Expecting her to deal directly with me is unfair to her.
You said last night you sent her a text message asking her to keep you more informed about SS's schedule. She doesn't have to keep you more informed. She needs to keep her ex-husband more informed. I understand that she is asking you do do things for your SS through your husband. And you want her to ask you. That's kind of silly. The remedy is simple. Don't do anything you don't want to do. Problem solved. You unintentionally started the conflict. Your intentions were good. And if you were dealing with a rational BM, it would have been fine.
What's important is the peace in your home. Don't add to the drama by communicating with her. In a perfect world, all the adults could communicate with each other. But blended families often don't work that way. Let your DH deal with his pyscho ex!
The kids had been saying that
The kids had been saying that they wanted to live with us for years. BM wouldn't even consider agreeing to it. She was getting $2,700 a month in child support. Those kids were her meal ticket. She loves them. But she also loved that money!
When the kids turned 14, they asked us to start the paperwork to have custody changed. We got the oldest one first, then the younger one moved in. BM fought it. But her attorney told her there was no way she would win. We actually ended up in court when the youngest one moved in with us. We won.
The first months were hell! BM's entire family turned on the kids. They called them traitors. We had to block calls from their grandparents (BM's mom and dad) because it got so bad. BM told them that she was going to have to live on the street and eat out of garbage bags because she lost the money. All the drama died down after a couple of months and life returned to normal. But it was really rough on the kids for a few months. I think they still struggle with guilt sometimes. And their mother plays the victim role really well.
The kids have been with us several years now. They are doing so much better here. And they are really happy which is the most important thing. There was just so much stress when they were living with their mother. They had no structure. It was just a life of constant chaos.
It bothers me that she never calls them. And it bothers me that she only sees them twice a year. But I can't fix that. We are long distance, but have offered to fly them out to see her on numerous occasions. She always has some kind of excuse as to why she can't take them. She has basically turned them over to us. Maybe that's a good thing. But I do worry that they feel kind of abandoned by her. She doesn't call, visit, send gifts...nothing. Occasionally, she'll post on their facebook page or text them. But mostly, she has just moved on without her kids. She sees them for a week during the summer. And for several days during the Christmas Break. But that's about it. As a biological mother myself, I just cannot wrap my mind around that.
No problem! It depends on the
No problem!
It depends on the state. Her lawyer and ours have been practicing law in the same place for years. They knew each other, the knew the judges and they knew the case. I guess her attorney knew that because the kids were older, their wishes would at least be given heaven consideration. She is actually lucky. There are plenty of attorneys that would have been happy to have taken her money and made the futile effort to prevent the custody change. I give her attorney a lot of credit for being honest with her.
Plus, we are just in a better position to provide for the kids. Despite receiving that enormous amount of support every month, she didn't pay her bills. She moved three or four times in about a years time. We had emails from her showing that she was deliberately refusing to allow DH to see his kids. The kids just weren't getting the attention they needed. It was nothing big. No abuse. Just a whole lot of little factors that painted the picture of a rather irresponsible, immature mother.
Add to that that we have a stable home and a stable marriage. My husband has a very good job. He makes enough money to provide for the kids, so money wasn't an issue.
She loves her kids. She is spontaneous and fun! The kids have a blast visiting with her. But she doesn't do a very good job of the day-to-day mothering. The fact that she rarely calls them or see them now kind of paints a pretty clear picture of her priorities.
If we had filed for custody without the kids asking to move, I don't think we would have had a chance. But all the little things combined with the kids really wanting to move in with us was enough.
As far as the age...It totally depends on the state. There are states that allow kids of a certain age to elect the parent they want to live with. There are some that will give heavier weight to a child's wishes depending on the age. Every state is different.
If you are considering trying to get custody the best advise I can offer is get a really good, local attorney. They are the ones that know the state laws, the other attorneys, and the local judges.
That's exactly where we were.
That's exactly where we were. We had toyed with the idea of seeking custody. But like you, we didn't want to put the kids through a heated custody battle. The dilemma was the same...is it better to try to gain custody and have the kids living in a more stable environment, or leave them where they are knowing that they aren't being abused, and that despite their mother's failings, she does love her kids.
Also, we were concerned that if we forced the custody issue and won, the kids might feel resentful. That's why we decided to wait. The day we got custody was honestly one of the happiest days of my life. I hope your story has a happy ending. We just did the best we could to do the "right thing" even when that meant not getting our way all the time. We tried to put the kids first. We weren't always successful. And heaven knows, we made some mistakes. But we tried.
When my DH and I first got
When my DH and I first got together, BM was constantly calling and texting him for no reason. I ended up having to give him an ultimatum- me or her. If he wants to keep talking to her and texting her, that is disrespectful to me, & I will leave (this was while we were just dating). If he wants to be with me, he has to completely cut her off (unless there's an emergency with SD). It actually worked. She still calls but he doesn't answer the phone. & he knows it's not SD calling because she hates talking on the phone, plus they have joint custody so it's not like it will be a long time before she sees DH again. This BM physically threatens me and everything, she requested me on fb just to stalk us, but I blocked her. I threatened to take her messages she wrote me to the police, I printed them out & everything, but DH begged me not to do it because it would make the problems worse. I haven't gone to the police yet but I do have the messages printed out so that if she contacts me again after I warned her not to, I can press charges.