Stepping up to the Plate or Over Stepping?
Many of the 'milestones' in my skids lives were done with me or BD. We waited for BM to do it, sometimes mentioned it to her but she never followed through. For example, we've done the following for one or the other of the skids:
potty trained
taught them to read,
took away the pacifier at nearly 3 years old
got them sleeping in beds on their own
taught them to tie their shoes
taught them to get their own breakfast
taught them to ride bikes
taught them to roller skate
got them swimming lessons
take them to museums, nature walks, etc
...
list goes on and on and that's not even considering all the BAD habits they had with her that I/We had to break (like screaming bloody murder if a drop of freaking water got in their eyes while shampooing their hair or being too precious to let a single raindrop fall on them....
I'm thinking about the future, what else is going to come up? How do you know where to draw the line when it comes to doing for your skids? What can you just leave undone if BM won't do it? Keep in mind I have a DD3 so I feel I have to treat all the girls the same.
If BM won't prepare her pre-pubescent daughter for her menses when does SM/BD step in and do it?
If BM won't buy a bra for a girl who needs a bra when can SM/BD take her shopping for it?
If BM tells them outright lies about things when can SM/BD correct the stories (example, my other blog where skids have been told that dead grandad is sitting on a star watching them)?
What about religion? BM is NOT religious but I know she will have SD7 go through the motions of taking first communion next spring (that's because money is given as a gift, to the tune of 1-2 thousand dollars usually). We are not religious. Now, I do respect people's rights to believe whatever they want but I absolutely abhor hypocrites and teaching a child to go through a ceremony - where they pretend to eat flesh and drink blood no less - gag! - they don't believe in so they can have a big party and get money certainly fits into the hypocrite category (For the record, I don't tell her it's all nonsense, all I say is that there are lots of different beliefs out there and that she should always ask herself 'does that make sense?').
Anyway, I'm thinking a lot today about what the lines are. BM dresses them in total rags that never fit properly. Their shoes are falling apart, literally. I buy decent clothes for them. They've both told me that BM never takes them shopping and that all they have to wear are old hand-me-downs from BMs sister. BM always has lots of new clothes for herself but that's another story. Point is, since I already buy all their clothing will it really be a bit overstep if, when it's time, I take SD to buy a bra? I don't really care to do it but if it needs to be done I've no doubt it will fall on my shoulders...and BM will bitch about it but BM bitches about EVERYTHING.
I honestly think that the kids needs have to come first and if BM isn't taking care of their needs then someone has to, regardless of how BM feels about it. On the other hand, if it were MY child I'd be upset if someone else took over some of these things.
What do you think? Where is the line drawn between stepping up to the task at hand and overstepping?
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If your SD needs a bra and
If your SD needs a bra and the BM will not go and get her one - since she has missed every other milestone why should this one bother her. You need to do what is best for the child. Don't make a big deal about it just get her some bras- if she wants to make a big deal of it after the fact tell her that you picked some up and if she wants to make a big deal of it she can take her daughter out and go to dinner and make a big deal of it since you did not - since she really does not buy clothes for the children she may not even notice. As I said earlier - Do what is best for the child!
Well, she doesn't need a bra
Well, she doesn't need a bra yet so it's not an issue. I was just thinking about it in the context of the past and wondering what my attitude should be going forward.
OK, SD doesn't need a bra
OK, SD doesn't need a bra yet. I just used that as an example. It's not about bras, it's just a general question about where you draw the line between letting BM have responsibility and deciding she's fallen short and taking up the reigns - and I mean for SO to take up the slack, not me.
Actually there is always a
Actually there is always a rift with BM and it doesn't matter if we do something or don't do something, say something or don't say something.
BM loves drama and she loves to bitch and she's going to bitch and make a huge issue out of everything regardless of what we do or don't do, but I take your point and agree.
Yeah, we have a pretty good
Yeah, we have a pretty good relationship. I get frustrated and impatient with them - they are sooooo babyish - and I worry because they have NO empathy at all but overall we have a lot of fun and I really do enjoy the time I spend with them. I've been there from when they were very young and they don't even remember a time I wasn't there - despite BM's best efforts to plant false memories in their heads.
I'm sure I'll just go with my gut when the time comes. I usually do and that approach usually serves me well.
ha ha, I'm imagining BMs
ha ha, I'm imagining BMs reaction if you described me to her like that!
Suffice it to say that she would NOT agree with you. I'm the devil incarnate, you know.
Actually, I have a real life
Actually, I have a real life example from a couple years ago.
SD wouldn't speak. By the time she was 2.5 SO had brought it up with BM several times and she blew him off every time. Finally, I sent her an email where I, very politely, told her about a niece of mine who was the same way and it turned out that she'd had ear infections which kept her from hearing properly. I told her she passed hearing tests and she could hear but just couldn't distinguish all the sounds. I said I didn't mean to overstep but I just wanted to let her know that she might want to get it checked out. BM did nothing. A year later SD still didn't speak except for gibberish. SO started pushing BM to get speech therapy. BM refused and sent ME an email (since she claimed I was pushing SO on this issue - ok, she was right I kind of was) claiming that 'speech therapists won't even see children younger than 7 because they can't pronounce consonants until then'. Huh? I have a child with Prader-Willi who had speech therapy from age 6 months. Anyway it went back and forth, SO pushing and BM refusing until I finally told BM that if she didn't take her we'd go to court for custody so WE could take her. BM took her and what do you know, she didn't speak because of undiagnosed ear infections when she was 1,2 and 3 that prevented her from hearing properly.
The child is now 4.5 and still speaks with an impediment. She is behind her peers in intellectual and emotional development because of all the time she lost when she couldn't communicate. Her entire educational life will probably be less than it could have been because BM refused to check things out when it was first brought up to her.
In hindsight, I feel that we should have pushed more even if it would have been considered overstepping because now this child's life is irreversibly altered because we didn't push to do what we (read I) knew what was right. I feel like I failed that child. I was the one who has already raised kids, one with speech problems. I was the one who knew about the ear infections. SO followed my lead, he didn't have other kids at the time so he had no experience. I didn't want to overstep so I left it to BM and now a child is way behind her peers as a result.
I think what you said is
I think what you said is right on the money. Go with your gut feeling. If BM is not doing what she should and then you do it, that is not overstepping, that is loving your skids enough to take care of them and do what is right.
Using the religion example,
Using the religion example, one person may think I am causing my son harm by introducing him to the religion of my family. They would be wrong to attempt to override me and my wishes, as would I with their child. I would not attempt to cross that line ever.
I didn't say it 'causes them harm' to be introduced to the religion of her family. I said they should be exposed to other religions so they can make an informed choice for themselves what to believe. I really can't understand why some religious people have a problem with this. Is it because they KNOW that if the child becomes educated about the realities of religion they won't choose the one the parent wants them to choose? If one has to be ignorant to be part of a group, is that group worth being part of?
If my ex's GF (or wife should he marry) decided that my son should be taken to a Christian Science church, you can bet your life he'd never see her again. If she decided he should be exposed to all religions, philosophies, as well as the lack of, again, my son would never be around her again. I am using this as an example, although it is a difficult example.
What if the other parent has a different religion or a different attitude toward religion than you do? Doesn't the other parent have as much right to educate the child as he/she sees fit on religious matters or are BM's beliefs all that count?
yeah, it's all such a great
yeah, it's all such a great big grey area and one where as SM we'll be damned if we do and damned if we don't.
But this is YOUR opinion.
But this is YOUR opinion. And not YOUR child. You can have that opinion all day long but it loses any power as it relates to this child. You don't get to choose how religion is taught or which one or how this child should be exposed to all religions because that's not YOUR CHILD.
I don't know if you have your own children, but if you do, then you get to choose that for them. You don't get to make those choices for someone else's child/ren. Sorry, but that's a huge overstep, IMHO.
If the other parent changes religious beliefs or has none, then that's up to them. I also understand you would have influence over your DH/SO in this area, but it's really kind of underhanded to try to influence your DH/SO's decision when you KNOW it goes against what the other parent wants the child to be exposed to. They (the bio-parents) should discuss issues such as this without your influence.
If you are dead-set on making your opinions heard and seeing them put into effect, then this is an issue of control for you, more than anything.
JMHO.
What part of 'My SO and I are
What part of 'My SO and I are in complete agreement on this.' did you not understand and how on earth did you miss all the places where I said SO would be the one doing the talking/explaining?
Why do you assume I'm being 'underhanded' by trying to influence my SO's opinion/decision? He formed his opinions all on his own and had them when I met him. He's an intelligent and rational person and he doesn't need me to tell him what to believe. He HAD discussed religion issues with BM when they split - long before I came along and she said she agreed with him. Since that time her mother moved to the area and her mother is religious so she changed her mind and decided to play the part of the dutiful daughter and please her mother by participating in religious activities. She didn't discuss this change with SO, she just started doing it.
You don't get to choose how religion is taught or which one or how this child should be exposed to all religions because that's not YOUR CHILD.
Oh, you are SO wrong on that one. I absolutely get to choose what books are in my home and how religion is discussed. NOBODY is going to tell me that I can't discuss the similarities between Islam and Christianity (or a variety of other major religions) every time Christianity is mentioned - and you can bet I WILL discuss those similarities, if for no other reason to counteract the utter BS that gets spread around about Islam by the majority of western Christians. It all depends on conversation but you can bet your bottom dollar that anytime anyone tries to attribute 'goodness' with 'christianity' I'll be right there to give examples of goodness that has NOTHING to do with Christianity and everything to do with HUMANITY.
Again, I wouldn't care what she wants her children to believe EXCEPT when it has an affect on MY child.
You make a lot of wrong assumptions lifeisshort. You'd do well to read a little more before you fly off into your judgmental rants.
I apologize if you took my
I apologize if you took my post personally. I was speaking in the general 'you,' not to you, specifically.
That was my opinion, I am allowed to have one.
Personally, I don't care what XH and SM have agreed on for their home. That's great that they can agree and work together for THEIR kids and THEIR family. But when it relates to issues like religion or education in regard to MY CHILD, no one other than ME and XH gets a vote.
Let's put this another way: Say you're married and you're a religious person, maybe Catholic, maybe Baptist. You and your DH have children together. Somewhere down the line, things go wrong and you get divorced but you're still taking your children to the same church you always have, bringing them up in the same religion. A new woman comes into your XH's life. Maybe she's Muslim, maybe she's an Atheist. But suffice it to say, she doesn't believe in the same religious teachings that you do. She begins to teach your children her religious beliefs without your knowing and without your approval and your XH really doesn't care one way or the other. Don't you think that since your XH has basically defaulted and deferred his "vote," that you, as the Mom, get to have the OTHER presiding vote in this decision?
The kids have TWO biological parents. I believe that means TWO votes - Only. Especially when it comes to matters of religion and education for children.
That is my opinion. If you don't agree with it, that's fine. But I'm not judging anyone. I'm merely stating an OPINION. I can do that.
Try to read this carefully
Try to read this carefully lifeisshort. The scenario that you describe is EXACTLY what happened to us, only in reverse.
BM and SO divorce. Neither are religious. They agree that neither will push the children into religion nor will they force them to participate in religious milestones (predominantly catholic country here).
SO meets SM and they share the same attitude toward religion. Neither 'converted' the other.
A year later BM's religious mother moves to town. To please her mother BM starts going to church. BM still isn't really religious but she is trying to please her mother. BM decides - on her own - that the children WILL make communion and WILL be indoctrinated into the church - because it will make granny happy. SO is not consulted and has no say in this matter.
SO is not the one who changed. He is doing what was agreed with BM from the beginning. It is BM who has unilaterally decided to go against the wishes of SO and the opposite to what BM and SO agreed.
Yet somehow you found a way to blame the entire thing on SM.
I wonder if you feel the same way about granny, since in this scenario it is granny's wishes that are overriding SO's? Wouldn't you say granny is overstepping and that BM shouldn't let granny be 'underhanded' and influence her? The role you put the SM in with your scenario is EXACTLY the role granny is in IRL. Do you have the same judgement? Actually, it's worse if it's granny. At least the SM lives with SO and his kids, albeit part time and the SM has children with SO who also have to be considered. Granny is just a meddler and an outsider.
The kids have TWO biological parents. I believe that means TWO votes - Only. Especially when it comes to matters of religion and education for children.
Yes and if there is no agreement then the only option is that it will be one way in one home and a different way in the other.
I've suspected from day 1
I've suspected from day 1 that lifeishort is either another username for our dear, departed friend blendedfam OR she's a cronie of hers from another site so I don't take ANYTHING she says seriously.
PA is right that is really is
PA is right that is really is one big gray area for SMs.
IMO BM's "should" take care of their children, i.e. dressing them in decent, clean clothes, making sure they take baths, making sure they have decent meals, etc... If my SDs came to my house and (for example) needed a bra and BM hasn't taken care of that when it obviously needed to be, then I would certainly step-up and do it. If my SDs needed questions answered about their developing bodies and puberty and BM didn't talk to them about it, I would again step-up and talk to them about it.
BM and I have very differing opinions on religion and I don't hesitate to share my views with SDs. I don't tell them that anyone is right, I just tell that what "I" believe. Anyone else could tell them what THEY believe so why can't I tell them what I think?
Why didn't the Dad take the
Why didn't the Dad take the child to a speech therapist? Why didn't the Dad just book the appt himself?
Because as NCP he couldn't without BM's permission. The therapist won't even talk to him without BM's written permission.
I'm really shocked you told BM that you would go for custody! I can't imagine what would happen in my world. Holy &^!@ hitting the fan.
Well, in this case it got the child into speech therapy - 2.5 years LATE but it got her there anyway so I have no regrets over that particular incident.
You are all over that BM with overstepping. That can't be great for keeping the peace.
Well, and that's the point of the blog. If BM refuses to do for her child then SOMEONE has to. I didn't do ANYTHING on my own btw, everything I've ever said to BM, everything I've ever done with skids, every email I've ever replied to (she sent emails to me first) - everything is done at the request of their father. As for 'keeping the peace', there IS no peace with her, there never has been and I don't believe there ever will be. She is perpetually pissed off and if she doesn't have something to bitch about she makes something up.
It is actually written into
It is actually written into DH's divorce decree that DH and BM must "agree" on ALL things medical, dental, etc etc etc for skids. If DH took skids to the dr without talking to her first she would slam us back to court so fast. That said, she has never had a problem with ME taking them to the appointments that SHE makes so I can write a check for the co-pay!
We can take them to a medical
We can take them to a medical doctor. Well, I don't know if we can legally but nobody questions it.
Ongoing things though, like therapy require signatures from both parents, at least in this country although I dare say that most mothers wouldn't be questioned if they brought their child in on their own. A father can't do it though.
Besides, we only have the EOW and the therapists around here don't work on weekends.
PoisonApples - I didn't read
PoisonApples - I didn't read all of the responses, but all I can tell you is to keep doing what you are doing. And if BM gets pissed, too bad, so sad. She should have done what's right for her kids, instead of saying after the fact that she wanted to do it. Your little SD's hearing / speaking issue tells volumes about BM.
I have to tell you that I am the stepmom that most BM's would not want to have. I do what I think is right regardless of what BM may or may not agree with. That doesn't mean that I disrespect BM intentionally. But if something needs to be done, and it isn't getting done, then why shouldn't you do it? Just because your "only" a stepmom? I think that's offensive logic.
You wouldn't think twice or be hurt if BM stepped up and did what she should do. So, if you pick up any slack, why should you be beat up or told you are overstepping? To me, that's just a semantics game.
I also don't believe that the skids won't appreciate you for it. For some it works and for some it doesn't. There are plenty of women on here who this approach did not work for. I am blessed that it worked for me. So I could be talking out my ass... but I say - Keep doing what you are doing, and take care of the skids as you feel is right.
I think if you are
I think if you are comfortable being the "auxillary mother" by filling in the gaps between BM's care and what she forgets or neglects than go for it! This isn't about BM's feelings. This is about the skids feelings.Will it make the skids feel loved if you fill in for what BM isn't doing? Will it make them feel cared for if you do things BM neglects? If both answers are yes then screw BM's feelings I say!
I'm not a perfect mom and I've forgotten plenty of things in caring for my child but his stepmom has given a gentle hand with picking up where I leave off and it works for us.We are there to help each other and yes sometimes I get that nagging BMness in my head and it makes me feel like she sometimes does things that are my job and she's overstepping but at the end of the day I have to put my feelings to the side and think about how much good it's doing for my kid.
I think you care and want to do the right thing. I also think you should keep doing what you're doing.