Earlier in the day on Monday, BF and I had a yelling match after some texts that he received from BM ... I'll go over that in another post sometime. But basically, I had a breakdown, stood in the middle of the family room just primal screaming for several minutes, and when BF wouldn't give me the space that I asked for I told him to get out of my house. We've worked through this ... I think ... but I am on very thin ice right now.

First day of school (Tuesday), and even though it was our day and we would normally drop them off, BM and BF had decided that we'd drive the boys to her house for the school bus to pick them up, then meet the bus at school to walk with the boys to their rooms.

I haven't understood the hoopla about all of this. First day of school is exciting, but either have them celebrate at the bus stop and then let them go, or drive them and walk them to their rooms ... and let them go ... that's what part of school is, learning to be independent of the parental units. So, there were a number of things that happened, some will be mentioned in the emails that follow ... some aren't. First, I became annoyed because while we waited for the bus, every time that one of the boys would lean against me, or hold my hand, if BM looked over and saw it, she'd go "BOY'S NAME, come here, Mommy needs a big hug from her boy!" I have always kept my mouth shut until the day of registration, I have tried to keep the peace, particularly in front of the boys, so I said nothing ... but I did point it out to BF on the way to the school.

Then came the incident at the school that I wrote the following email to her about:

BM,

I realize that I over reacted to your comments yesterday. I apologize for that. I've spent some time thinking about it and realized why it hit me so hard and caused such a knee-jerk reaction. Putting aside the fact that I hadn't slept well the night before, that I don't do well with heat, that my knee was stinging and my ankle was aching, and that I was frustrated because I had questioned how well trying to take the boys to classes on their first day would work with also having them ride the buses and had been told that, "This is what BM wants to do and thinks is best." (not an exact quote, but the general idea), only to then hear you say that maybe this hadn't been thought out well. What really hit me was that I thought I was doing something positive and helpful and I was completely shocked by your reaction.

While we were waiting, I offered to go with SS6 (so that he would have someone with him) even if it meant missing SS4 going to his room. I wanted to make sure that both boys knew that we were there for them. SS4's first day of kindergarten meant a lot to you, so I could make sure you got to be there for that, and I would be the "representative" for SS6. (Please see my side note about this below) Then SS6 was heading to his room and suddenly everyone was going. I started down the hall with you guys, but kept watching to see what was happening with SS4's group, my concern still was that both boys felt that they had us there ... so I said something to BF about my waiting to be a cover for the second boy (who was now SS4 instead of SS6), and caught up with you and SS6 and gave SS6 a quick hug and told him to have a good day, that I was going to wait in case SS4 started coming in ... you were right there next to him when I did and said that. I didn't know if SS4's class was going to start moving, and I wanted to go with SS6 to his room, but I thought it was best for someone to be there for SS4, just in case. So I did what felt to me like a really big sacrifice, I gave up getting to take SS6 to his room.

If you remember, when you came back down the hallway, I was about 1/2 way between where SS4's class was and where the hallway you were coming from joined. This was so I could alert you and BF that SS4's class was moving as soon as I saw you, while still trying to get pictures, because as we had discussed, if the boys were split up we wanted to be able to have pictures to share of each. That was when I began to get irritated, because I felt like you, in essence, shoved past me like I was trying to stand between you and SS4. And suddenly I was kind of wondering why I'd given up getting to take SS6 to his class when I was going to get this kind of treatment. In that moment, it also concerned me that you were so close to SS4, and directing and distracting him so that he wasn't listening to his teacher, or paying attention to how she was describing how to find the classroom, I mentioned this to BF at the time, but didn't say anything to you 1) because we weren't close to you and I didn't want to distract the kids from the teacher, and 2) because I expected that you'd get upset by it.

I wasn't going to say anything about any of this at the time. I don't normally mention things that I consider small slights, I figure it's part of life and that there are times that as a part of life a person just has to "suck it up" and let the little irritations pass. So, hearing from you that you felt that not only I had done something wrong, but that BF was somehow involved, really hit a button. It sounded to me, from what you said, that there had been some sort of planning and conscious thought to keep you from being the one person at SS4's walk from the school bus. And this hit me WRONG. And it put me in a very confrontational state, because from where I was standing it felt like a completely unwarranted attack and was the complete opposite of any reaction that I expected.

Again, I apologize for being over-reactive. I could have handled it better. I probably should have suggested that it wasn't the time or place for the discussion. I was floored by how quickly I went from 0-100 and it has caused me much introspection, I do not like being an angry person, I do not like being confrontational, but I will put my "spikes up" and stand my ground when I feel that I'm being unjustly attacked, even more so when I feel that someone I love is being attacked. And I went into full protection and attack mode. I am sorry for that.

I've also realized that the whole thing about you thinking that I'm rolling my eyes is because I do use my eyes, and eye movement, to access different parts of my brain, placing things in order and making connections. Part of that is also that I will move my head, shake or nod when I feel that I've made an incorrect or correct connection, it's not specific to what the person is saying, it's specific to getting the right connections to both remember and categorize information as it's coming in. And it becomes more pronounced when I'm in an emotional state, whether it's anger, fear, passion, excitement or concern. Neither of these are things that I do consciously and I don't expect or plan on changing, but thank you, because your comments have helped me become more aware of it. It's something that BF has taken issue with also in the past.

On a side note - I had great concerns about SS6's feelings about all of the excitement around SS4's first day of Kindergarten. And while we stress that because they are different ages that things don't always seem fair, it was bothering me because it was also SS6's first day of 2nd grade and that was just as important to him as SS4's first day of Kindergarten. Not only was it his first day of 2nd grade, it was also a new school (and new friends or bullies) AND it was his first day as the big brother at school ... and that's a very big deal to him. He is suddenly even more of a role model (even if he doesn't know the term) and he suddenly needs to not only look out for himself, but also for his younger brother. It is a BIG role to be taking on. I think he's doing it well. I think it's very important to him and I think he's afraid of making mistakes or failing at it. I wanted to take him to his room to be able to celebrate all of that with him, the excitement over SS4's first day of kindergarten was overt and obvious, the excitement for SS6... not so much.

I hope that this helps you understand my reactions yesterday to you. Please accept my apology for being over-reactive. I don't expect that it's something that you will see often from me, but I can't guarantee that it won't ever happen again, but I will certainly try to make the effort to curtail it.

Sincerely,

RHSM

***********************

So, here was her response ... parts of it were spread between the paragraphs of my email. I've pulled those out into this one piece of text, and replaced any names ... but I haven't changed any spelling or anything else:

This apology honestly did not make me feel better about what happened yesterday. It really felt like it was filled with accusations about how I behaved improperly and how I'm doing a bad job raising my kids. Furthermore you have made a lot of very incorrect assumptions about me and my motives. For starters I was never upset with BF yesterday, I let him know why I was bothered by what happened and he said something along the lines of you probably being flustered in the situation and not thinking of consulting me and he was too so I understood his view point since he didn't say it was ok but explained why he felt the actions were made which was the next best thing to an apology for me. To be honest I wasn't even that upset with you and the whole thing but I felt you handled it incorrectly no matter what the motives are... but you and BF asked me to point out areas where I feel you take over and don't consult me when you should and that was one of them... I was of course annoyed and angry with your reaction after the fact. Who got to be with which child was a huge decision and you took that away from me and I should have been consulted. Now like BF said I understand messing up on something like that in the heat of the moment but I felt he acknowledged my point and agreed with my point and I wasn't even annoyed with him in the slightest even leaving the school. And honestly had you handled it that way I wouldn't have been upset with you. Fact is you made a decision without asking my opinion whatever you intentions were and that was wrong and not acceptable.

What it boils down to is I feel you hold a grudge when a decision is made that you don't agree with. This is the second time it has happened recently where you excuse your bad behavior towards me by the fact that BF and I made a decision you do not agree with. Fact is you need to learn to let go and accept those situations after the fact. I don't really want to hear about how you feel something is wrong once a final decision was made you and BF need to come to conclusion what is best as a family unit and BF and I need to work that out and come to whatever compromises makes sense and than he needs to confirm to make sure that works for your family unit with that compromise but once a final decision is made than all parties need to let go of resentment for their personal opinions not happening. And believe me there are plenty of times that happens when its me that doesn't have things go my way I choose to let it go because its done and over with. You seem to think that doesn't happen but it does a lot... now that real weaning for the pacifier is coming up I'm reminded about that situation as an example. I could be angry but instead I'm just doing what I feel needs to be done in the situation that I'm currently in

What bothered me about your "apology" is that I now feel the need to go in and defend myself and that is not an apology at all. It was excuses verses apologizing because you are truly sorry. I will respond to each of the line items but I refuse to have a back and forth with you and if my answers aren't good enough than theres nothing I can do. For the boys sake I hope to repair our relationship so we can be civil. I'll admit I've been bothered because despite how badly I feel I've been treated by lately I've truly tried for the boys sake but you didn't even say hello back when I said hi in front of the boys. So I am very concerned by that.

*** after first paragraph ***

You and BF need to work on communication there is all I can say. Because it was communicated to me by him that he agreed with why it made sense for the boys to take the bus. I have never laid down the law and said its my way. I gave my opinion to BF he didn't respond right away I asked again a week later and he said that he thought about it and agreed with me. No alternate view was presented to me. We made the decision because it worked so well on SS6's first day of kindergarten and yes in the stress of the moment I said I wish he hadn't taken the bus. Well that happens to all of us, sometimes we make in correct decisions and realize it later. That certainly shouldn't be held against me the way you did even if this had been driven by just me. And for the record now that I'm not in the stress of the moment I do feel we made the right choice and I feel something as new and scary as riding the bus makes sense when you have mom, dad and step mom meeting you to ease that burden.

*** after 2nd paragraph ***

Right you did offer to go with SS6 and that made sense but when SS4's class was lined up and SS6 was on his own I said to you and BF we all have time to go to SS6's class and come back for SS4's class... you both seemed to agree with me on that and the three of us went. If you disagreed you should have said something at that point. I feel like I consulted and we came to a decision together no one voiced any decent. We started walking and I turned around and you were gone. I asked BF where you were and he said to wait for SS4's class... I said I should have been consulted about that. Thats when he said he was flustered in the situation and assumed you were too. I felt no animosity towards him and really very little towards you.

*** after 3rd paragraph ***

Wow were my actions misinterpreted here. I was walking fast on my bad ankle which I reinjured at Gen Con and was in pain (a lot of it) I simply wanted to make sure that I got there on time. I didn't pay attention to where you were standing I wanted to catch up to SS4 that was the most important thing to me and I didn't give you or anything else a second thought. I didn't see him at first and that was stressing me out too so I had a lot of things on my mind at that point the biggest one was SS4 and seeing him off and not missing him. I was walking with him and the teacher smiled at me and had no problems with my interactions with him, she was very nice and all I did was repeat what she said and told him to get back in line when he stepped out of line. But again you are assuming the worst about me and my motivations and that seems to be your pattern.

*** after 4th paragraph ***

First I still feel you did something wrong you made a huge decision about my kids without consulting me. You again assumed the worst of me. I never thought you did anything unpurpose. I do think you have a domineering personality and take over where it is inappropriate maybe subconsciously and it does bother me when decisions about my children are made without consulting me no matter what the intentions are, clearly we don't see eye to eye on most things and I have a right to decide how to best handle certain situations and that was an example of it. I pointed it out because it was asked of me to do so instead of letting it fester. I never said that you did something on purpose I did say that you should have consulted me to which you said I didn't consult anyone but you did tell BF so that was consulting him because he could have said no don't go or no I'll go and I was not given that same choice. But your reaction even if out of anger tells me you don't feel I should be consulted and that really bothers me and that is what needs to change. I think you need to change your underlying attitude towards me for that to change. As a sidenote I find it ironic you mention BF in this because I actually never felt any animosity at all towards him even as I drove away from the school after you attacked me.

*** after 5th paragraph ***

RHSM if you do something in regards to my kids I don't like I'll point it out and I will if BF does. I never attacked anyone, I brought up something that bothers me and let you both know it bothered me. Again I never felt any animosity towards BF and really not towards you until after you said you didn't feel the need to consult me and started attacking me. I am working in general on being more assertive and in the past I've kept quiet and silently brewed about these situations instead of speaking up. I do not believe I did anything unjust or unfair I was upset with how you handled something and I let you know why. I didn't do it in an attacking manner (unlike this whole email towards me ) I did so in a calm collected way to say hey this bothers me. I will not keep quiet about that stuff anymore

*** after 6th paragraph ***

Well that's fine but even if you don't plan on changing it but when you have a negative demeanor it really shows and comes through and makes any kind of resolution nearly impossible because the other person shuts down and you do come across very negatively. I'll try to remember that if we have more conversations to work through issues though I really don't plan to do that as I feel it only leads to these kind of accusations my parenting decisions when I don't owe you explanations.

*** after 7th paragraph ***

I have two issues with this paragraph first of all its full of judgment against my parenting and I don't appreciate it. You do NOT have any idea what goes on when you aren't around. I had a talk with SS6 about him being an awesome big brother and showing SS4 how to behave in school. He talked to SS4 about raising hands ect... fact is first day of Kindergarten is huge, first day of second grade is less important. I'm sure SS4 will feel slighted when SS6 starts Junior high because that's a big deal. They each have their moments in life where the other will be getting more attention its part of growing up and having sibblings. But I did talk to SS6 about how the new school and called him just like I did SS4 to see how it went and was excited at how happy he was and how much he likes it there. I do not believe that SS6 feels slighted, left out maybe but slighted no.

*** after 8th and final paragraph ***

And see this apology means nothing to me because it has put me on the defensive and I shouldn't be there. I do still feel your actions were wrong even if you intentions were good. I feel your overall attitude towards me is very bad and is what is causing these kinds of reactions in you and I feel you always assume the worst about me and there is not much I can do to change that. If you want to apologize it should not be followed up by what you feel the person you are apologizing to did wrong but I can say this never have I had my words and actions misunderstood so much as they were by you and never has anyone made me feel like they are constantly assuming the worst in me the way you did by this email Like I said above I will not have a length back and forth I have enough stress in my life without that but I will clarify any points you don't understand and read a response but I will not respond to it because I'm done defending myself to you. I don't owe you explanations and I think even if I do you will take away what you want from it not what I'm really saying.

***********************************

So, I received this and had another anxiety attack. I said that I did not want to have any contact between BM and myself, that I am too agitated at this point and there needs to be no contact for any reason ... to which BF said "Forward me a copy of the email." ... and THAT was the wrong answer! I got so furious, I felt so betrayed that I left the house. After I came back in and we got calmed down BF said that he realized that his asking for a copy of the email right then would have come across as a dismissal of all of my feelings and he apologized.

See, the thing is, she's always been the one going off, yelling, flying off the handle and ranting ... he always did anything to pacify her. Now suddenly it's me and she's acting all sweetness and light and rational ... and that's making me feel even more crazy!

So, this morning I woke up and realized what part of it is. Ever since she shoved me, I haven't felt safe. And I know I can't be rational about her until I feel safe again.

This is the response I was going to send:

Wow, what an interesting take you have on this. For over a year now, I have been constantly verbally abused by you and kept my mouth shut about it in your presence. Two weeks ago I decided that it was time to stop being maligned and threatened by you, and you crossed the line and actually physically assaulted me - you put your hands on me and shoved me - that is physical assault, and one apology doesn't make up for that. So, yes, I am now in a place where I do not trust you or your motives. I am on high alert every time I have contact with you and it puts me on the defensive. I acknowledge the fact that I am the one who most recently reacts in a way that automatically begins to escalate things, I attempted to apologize for the escalation this week and received back additional abuse. Because of this, I believe that for the current time it is in my best interest and my family's best interest for there to be no contact between you and me.

***********
After talking about it with BF, I've decided that I am modifying what I'm sending to this ... and will send it after we get the boys back:

Two weeks ago you crossed the line and actually physically assaulted me - you put your hands on me and shoved me - that is physical assault, and one apology doesn't make up for that. So, yes, I am now in a place where I do not trust you or your motives. I am on high alert every time I have contact with you and it puts me on the defensive. I acknowledge the fact that I am the one who most recently reacts in a way that automatically begins to escalate things. Because of this, I believe that for the current time it is in my best interest and my family's best interest for there to be no contact between you and me.