Firstly I’d just like to say thank-you to everyone that responded to my last post and for your condolences.

A few of you have asked for an update on how things are going, so here is the latest.

(I’m still the CP for BS15 while BM still has BS12 & BS8)

One of the hardest things to do since Dani’s passing would have to have been clearing our all her clothes out of our wardrobe and going through her personal belongings, which I asked my MIL if she would like to help me with, so we did this together. I found her journal, which she use to write in a hell of a lot more than I knew about. I still read a few pages every night and sleep with it under my pillow so I can still feel close to her.
Her smell has now gone from her clothes, our bed, our house and her car but her asthma inhaler, lip balm and ipod still sit on her bed side table as I still find that even though it has been 8 months I haven’t been able to bring myself to put them away, they are just sitting there waiting for her to come home.

BS15 seems to be ok although I think he is more worried about me more than himself. Both of us have now gotten into the tradition of putting on Dani’s CD (she use to be a singer and recorded her first album about 2 years ago) so we can listen to her while cooking and eating dinner. BS15 was never into her music and the two of them use to argue all the time when Dani use to have to practise and now he knows all the words to her songs and sings along to them.
Sometimes I have to kick myself at how much BS15 has grown and matured over the past few months. There was actually an incident awhile ago where my mother had come over and she was helping BS15 move somethings around in his room and my mother accidentally knocked off the wall a photo of a hot rod car that Dani had framed for BS15 as a welcome to your new room kind of present (BS15 was sharing a room with his brothers for a while cause we were renovating). It wasn’t until BS15 started crying when the glass broke that he told me how bad he felt for some of the mean things he had said to her and that he was so sorry. The first few months he didn’t want to leave me to go to BM. He was very upset with BM cause of some of the things she had said and done to Dani as well. Ever since then he has been seeing a professional though his school and is doing much better at handling his emotions.

Since BS12 & BS8 live with BM it hasn’t affected them as much as BS15. All 3 boys did decide that they wanted to plant a purple flower each for Dani (purple is Dani’s favourite color) that has now turned into a full made garden bed just for her.

Some days I get angry with her, some days I feel very lonely but most of the time I’m just so sad and miss her terribly.

I finding myself starting to choke up as I stare a photo of us in front of me so this is all I can share at the moment without blabbering like little boy rather than a man. I will update more as soon as I can.

Thanks