Last night I got home and DH was not there. We have SS on Thursdays, and they are always home before DD and I. Anyway, so I waited an hour and finally called. DH told me that he got held up (thanks for the heads up) because SS had been vomiting and having diarrhea all afternoon and BB had to wait until he stopped to put him in the car.

I know that the whole sick kid debate is a big one among blended families, and in mine, I feel that since BB lives 5 minutes from us, if SS is REALLY sick (not sore throat or cold sick, but high fever/vomiting sick)he needs to stay at his mom's house. DD is 2 and she was a preemie, and I am still leary about having her around sick kids despite the fact that she is completely caught up and healthy. It's just a fear I have...after your baby spends her first 6 weeks in the NICU and comes home on an apnea monitor, you worry pretty easily.

Another more selfish reason for me not wanting SS over is because if DD gets sick, then I can't take her to the sitter's house as the sitter has her own young daughter. My family is hours away and I have no one else to help, which means I'd have to take a day off from work. Right now, I need EVERY day I have to use for interviews since DH and I are splitting and I am moving back to NY as soon as I can get the right job.

So, I presented all of this to DH, and he was not having it. Telling me that he is not going to lose a night with his son because I am paranoid, he's a father even when his son is sick, etc. Then he said "I don't tell DD she has to leave when SHE is sick." Well, first of all, DD is rarely ever sick. Secondly, this is her ONLY home. If she were at her BF's house 5 minutes down the road and was comfy there, I'd be fine leaving her for an extra night to keep SS healthy if he were living here. He told me I can jus take her to my mother's (2 hours away). WHY would I do that?! My mother is NOT her parent. And, is HE going to driver her?! So, I asked him if DD gets sick (and we all know how contagious stomach viruses are), will he promise to stay home with her. And he said, simply, "no." So, I said simply "Then take SS to a hotel tonight."

He refused and came home with SS who was acting fine but green in the face. He had his jammies on and smelled of vomit. DH picks him up and starts carrying him upstairs to our bedroom. I was like "WOA!" I said, "If you are staying here, then he needs to sleep in his own bed in his own room so the germs can be kept there." And he refused because SS wanted to watch a movie. Again, I CANNOT be sick right now. And to be totally honest, I did not want to spend my night cleaning SS's vomit and shit. DH refuses to help with housework and I have enough on my plate with a full-time job, a toddler, and ALL of the housework, laundry, etc. However, I tried to swallow that and just said, fine, but I asked him to please put SS to bed in his own room (he was sleepy and totally about to crash) and said that he didn't need a movie right now. Again, he refused. SO, again, I said, "Bye!"

Yes, it was cold. Yes, SS was probably confused. And DD was sad because she wanted to go with them. So basically, everyone was upset but me. I felt guilty all night...but at this point, I feel that the last 2+ years have been ALL ABOUT SS. The court, the lawyer fees (over $10,000K), the bullshit with BB. My own husband telling me in sweet moments between us when I am being "cute" and asking, "Do you love me more than anything?" replying that he will always love his son more than me (who SAYS that????). And all the other SHIT that I have been put through for this selfish fucking entitled PIG. I was bulimic for 13 years and my husband tells me that I need to go to the gym (I am 5.7 and 120 lbs). The internet porn (fine with me as long as you can keep your end up with your LIVING BREATHING wife, NOT fine if you can't), the financial trouble he pulled me into. Everything. I just DO NOT CARE ANYMORE.

But I am still guilty. I think it's mostly because I don't want the kids upset. And DH, if nothing else, has been good to DD. He has been her daddy and has really stepped up. Of course, SS always comes first and he has made it clear who is more important, but...he has been a good father to her. I guess that's what kept me here so long.

I don't know...it's just not in my nature to be so COLD. When DH was trying to go upstairs to get his stuff for the hotel, I thought he was just trying to get into the room to put a movie on and I actually edged him out of the way with my shoulder. That is unnacceptable behavior and it is NOT like me. I know we bring out the worst in each other, but this is just making me nuts. I am just praying that I get lucky and the right job comes along so that I can get out soon.

Despite it all...I feel like a terrible person today.