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How much longer.. how much give up...

jinni1980@hotmail.com's picture

My partner has a son who is 14 yrs old. He have been looking after him full time since he was a baby. He lived with his mum and sister to get help for looking after his son till 4 and half years ago but something happened so he moved to his own place with his son.

From this beginning of relationship, I had to give up everything for his son. We only had first date at outside and after that I had to come and visit his place to see him cos he had to come home for his son straight after work. never had time for going out with me. I had no choice. I DID understand and accept for all that situation and I looked after his son for him when he finished work late (most of time he finishes work 11 pm. so I came his place after I finished work and cooked and helped his homework and made his bed and stayed till 11:30 and when my partner came home, I went to back my place.) I never complained that I gave up everything for him even though it was too much, I tried hard and hard.. I have been with him 4 years now we have a 2 years old girl together. for last 4 years(from beginning of this relationship), He took me a dinner only once(it was 2 years ago.)cos his son was always there and whenever we planed to go out for dinner or trying to do some couple dating things, his son always made reason why he didn't want to go grandmum's house or why he had to stay home instead of visiting uncle's house or always something happen with him.

his son is not bad but no respect to me and typical the only child kind of boy. when I was sick and couldn't even move but his son never helped me at all. Before working his daddy asked him to help me out cos I was not well, He said "Of course" but as soon as he heard his daddy left, he just went to his mate house for play. I still had to cook and clean his room and do all his things for him. I had a talk with him and said would be nice to care about me when I am not well.. He spoke back to me that "What ever I did was not mean or bad. just I didn't really care about you.."
last year, I asked him to clean his room for the first time (last 4 years I always clean his room and do everything) and he gave me such a hard time. I was upset and he said "You met my daddy for doing this things for me and daddy met you cos he expect you do these things for me" Honestly, Last 4 years I have never gone out with my friends and even my mates wedding or birthday parties cos I had to stay at home and look after him. I never complain about this to my partner, just tried to think this is just one part of parenting.. My partner didn't really know how much I am suffering from his son. I didn't really tell him cos didn't want to make trouble and also his son act great when his daddy's around. He doesn't play or care about our daughter and doesn't talk to me much. When his daddy's working, my daughter and I only see him when I finish cooking for him and he eat and go back to his room. But he is not same when his daddy's home. He plays with little girl and ask me what he can do for me... Even my partner's all family always tell me how much I am so lucky that I have such a great stepson who always help me a lot. I don't say anything. I just smile. No one know and if I tell them, they will think I am the evil one.His son is just one big spoiled one in the family. He is not naturally bad one but he is very selfish little boy's mind. He is 14 years old. he should know better than this. He doesn't know how to change bed sheets, he doesn't know how to cook fried egg, he doesn't know how to vacuum and washing dishes. I got no time for my daughter because I have spent my all time and energy for him. Now I even make my daughter give up many things for him. My partner only get weekend off once every 5 weeks. That time should be all family time together but his son always make some plan to do something with his daddy and I have to stay home with my daughter. If I don't buy anything for him, I can't buy anything for my daughter cos my step son would call me I am a bad step mum who only care about own daughter and tell all of his mates like that way(which he did.). sometimes I have to get upset to my daughter cos she wants to play with him but he never let her in his room so she starts crying in front of his room door and I blame on my daughter that she is naughty baby who annoy her brother's own time. He made my daughter hurt many times such like leaving her on the chair and doesn't care if she fell down or not, if she is on his way just push her away hard etc. But everytime I blamed my daughter that she was the naughty one who bother her brother even though my heart was broken all the time when I said that to my little baby.

I know my partner really thank to me everything what I have done but I don't know how much he understand that I've gave up too much things for his son and it's not easy. specially he doesn't have much time with his son and I am the one who has to deal with all the problem every single days and mins. This situation is more difficult since all of family member think this boy is angel so whenever I have hard time there is no one who I can talk and let this kind of feeling out.

stepkate's picture

All of that sounds like you just did waaay too much for his son in the beginning, and now they're taking you for granted. It will be a lot harder now that they've gotten used to you doing everything for four years. You have to tell them how you feel and stop letting them walk all over you.

It doesn't sound like its in your nature at all to be stern, but you have to be.

sammysgirl's picture

(He made my daughter hurt many times such like leaving her on the chair and doesn't care if she fell down or not, if she is on his way just push her away hard etc. But everytime I blamed my daughter that she was the naughty one who bother her brother even though my heart was broken all the time when I said that to my little baby. )

you dont have to do this anymore. it is a lie and its not agreeing with you in your heart only you can make yourself stop saying the words that make you hurt. i think you may have to start with one small step and be very very proud of yourself for it.

wishing you strength -

ps - if you dont mind me asking - what is your cultural background? are men lords of all in it?